Making conflict work for you

Some of us can't deal with conflict of any kind in our marriages. Either we lose our tempers quickly, or we fear the worst (d-i-v-o-r-c-e). But arguments do not have to always be bad. Here are ways to turn your conflicts into positive communication.

Turning Conflict to Communication Do you have an effective system for resolving conflict at your house? How can you make conflict work for you? Marriage pioneers, David and Vera Mace, state that the biggest problem in marriages is not lack of communication. The biggest problem is the inability to deal with anger and conflict.

And marital researcher, Dr. John Gottman, says the happiest couples don't always resolve each issue. Sometimes, they find peace in the middle of differences - but they do work through their anger.

Let's look more closely at conflict and anger. How can we survive them and grow in our relationships? Good communication is important, but good communication is not enough. We need to consider four things:

• Conflict doesn't have to be destructive. Each conflict offers us a "growth point" or "choice point." To refuse to deal with conflict is to refuse growth in our relationship, and we don't want that.

• Conflict can be painful. Anger that is released can cause pain, so we need to process our anger in an appropriate way like saying, "I'm angry," instead of "You make me so angry!"

• Conflict can become overheated. Sometimes it's like a hot potato; we need to set it down and let it cool, or we'll get burned.

• Learn to negotiate. To resolve a conflict after we've calmed down, we need to negotiate. We need to logically focus on the problem and consider possible solutions. Sometimes the solution is accepting our different perspectives and realizing it's okay to think differently about some issues.

Take a new look at conflict and anger. Turn them around and make them work for you.