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Jul 27, 2008


Fantasies: The safest sex, part two




Once you get beyond age, though, it's hard to predict whether a given person has lots of fantasies. Attempts to identify a "fantasy-prone" type of individual have been woefully unsuccessful. Even religious and political views provide few clues. Conservatives have just as many fantasies as liberals--despite the fact that, according to one study, nearly half of conservative Christians feel sexual fantasies are "morally flawed or unacceptable."

The devout aren't the only ones who have mixed feelings. One in four people feel strong guilt about their fantasies, reports Leitenberg. Most of this hand-wringing "involves people who feel guilty about fantasizing while making love to their partners," he says. Even among sexually adventurous groups like college students, 22 percent of women and 8 percent of men said they usually try to repress the feelings associated with fantasy.

Guilt also strikes when fantasy and personal ideology collide. "There are people who feel that their sexual fantasies are not a part of them," Person says. "The CEO of a Fortune 500 company may have masochistic fantasies of being tied to a bed, and he might be perfectly comfortable because he sees that as respite from having to be in control; whereas some feminists are ashamed because they have masochistic fantasies and they feel that the fantasies are contrary to their political beliefs."

Such guilt exacts a heavy toll. Those who fret over their fantasies have sex less often and enjoy it less, even though the content of their fantasies is no different from those of the guilt-free.

But even unusual and "deviant" fantasies give little reason for concern in healthy individuals. It's true that we sometimes use fantasies as a springboard for later sexual hijinks. But the path from fantasy to deviance is anything but direct.

Rape fantasies, for instance, are far more common than rapes themselves. And as an extreme example, consider that only 22 percent of child molesters say they had sexual fantasies about kids before their first molestation. So unusual fantasies are a concern only when they become compulsive or exclusive, or for individuals "in whom the barrier between thought and behavior has been broken," say Leitenberg and Henning.

Exactly why your fantasies differ from those of your friends is not well understood. But theories abound. Certainly personal experience and the things we see, hear, and read about enter the mix.

External stimuli like sexy advertisements or scantily clad passersby, in fact, may be responsible for the off-noted observation that men fantasize more than women. In a sample of college students, researchers found that men fantasized or thought about sex 7.2 times a day, compared to 4.5 for women. For each sex, two of those fantasies were internally triggered. But men reported twice as many externally provoked thoughts.

Our favorite internally triggered fantasies probably attain preferred status through classical conditioning, the sane process that had Pavlov's dogs drooling at the sound of a bell. Fantasies that accompany orgasms are particularly reinforced, for instance, making them more arousing next time around. From there "we embellish them, change them," says Person. "They're like an evolving series." Scenarios that don't accompany arousal are discarded.

While the most common fantasies involve routine sex with a past, present, or imaginary partner, that's not to say that we don't occasionally give our fantasy muscles a more strenuous workout. In addition to those decidedly "vanilla" scenarios, Leitenberg and Henning describe three other primary flavors of fantasy:

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