Gay and Lesbian Couples Handle Conflict Better Than Straights

Study Compares Gays and Straights and Relationship Success

By Kathy Belge

I’ve always had a personal theory that lesbian couples get along better than straights because as women, we’re better communicators. We’ve been socialized to express our feelings and can share them more readily with a partner. Well, it turns out that that theory has been backed up by scientific research.

The Gottman Institute out of Seattle conducted a 12-year study of gay and lesbian couples to determine what makes them succeed or fail. Even though we have many of the same problems as heterosexual couples, same-sex couples actually have some better coping mechanisms. The Gottman Study looked at how couples deal with conflict and was reported in 2004.

Gay and Lesbian Couples Deal with Conflict in an Upbeat Manner

When it comes to conflicts, gay and lesbian couples are more likely to use affection and humor in a disagreement than straights. And gay and lesbian couples are more likely to remain positive when hearing about a disagreement from their partners. “Straight couples may have a lot to learn from gay and lesbian relationships,” Dr. John Gottman says.

Gays and Lesbians Use Fewer Hostile Emotional Tactics

Gottman discovered in his studies that gay and lesbian couples put more of an emphasis on power-sharing versus power-over dynamics. In a study out of the University of California at Berkeley, Robert Levenson discovered gay and lesbian partners display less belligerence, domination and fear with each other than straight couples do.

Gays Take it Less Personally

In a fight, straight couples are more likely to “hurt” their partner with a negative comment. For gay and lesbian couples, positive comments have more of an impact, making the partner feel good about him or herself and negative comments don’t affect them as negatively. “This trend suggests that gay and lesbian partners have a tendency to accept some degree of negativity without taking it personally,” Gottman says.

Lesbians Show More Emotion Than Gay Men

When fighting, lesbian show more anger, humor, excitement and interest than gay men. This may be because women are raised to share their emotions more readily than men.