The Strong Woman's Desire for a Strong Man

What sabotages the love lives of today's independent women?

In an unconventional new book, German psychotherapist Maja Storch examines the ways that women (particularly those who we regard as successful, liberated and high-achieving) unwittingly undermine their intimate relationships. Dr Storch's work with women has enabled her to identify the unconscious reasons behind this process.

Many women have rejected the stereotypical female roles of their parents' era but now feel uncomfortable with their continuing desire for a loving partner. Instead of embracing this side of themselves and looking for a man to fulfill that desire, many women continue to fall for those men who are emotionally unavailable and who ultimately treat them badly.

Maja suggests that it is this rejection of their perceived weakness, which gets in the way of many women finding a safe and fulfilling relationship. She helps women unlock the fears that lie behind self-perpetuating patterns and achieve the necessary balance of independence, vulnerability, desire and strength that will enable them to succeed in a relationship.

In her bestselling book - The Strong Woman's Desire for a Strong Man, which has been translated into 10 languages - Maja Storch examines the ways in which successful, independent women (who she classes as 'strong') unwittingly manage to repeatedly undermine their intimate relationships, and their unconscious reasons for doing so.

She writes: 'When I say 'strong woman' I'm not talking about a kind of sexless, uptight, man-hating monster, or an academic who wears severe grey 'power suits' and lives alone with her two pampered cats. The type of woman I have in mind is independent, with a vibrant, energetic personality and an active sex life. She has learnt to rely on her own strength and is not waiting for a man to come along and save her.

'Strong women are capable of great love, and share a longing for a loving man. But their desire has caused them great pain, as their encounters in love have been unsuccessful in the past, and they begin to wonder if this capability for love is a strength or a weakness. Do you love films where the independent woman falls for the broad-shouldered hero? Do you yearn for a man to come along who won't be put off by your confident manner, who will treat you like a woman and protect and guide you through life? And do you secretly hate yourself at the same time for even having these feelings? If so, you're not alone. Welcome to the club!'

Topics discussed in the book:

Why we behave as we do in relationships: Maja Storch discusses how we are influenced by our understanding of traditional masculine and feminine roles and our childhood experiences, and how this can impact on our relationships.

The impact of the unconscious on our lives: Storch uses the Jungian idea of the unconscious or 'the shadow', to explain why strong women who may be independent and dominant in their everyday lives, may also have a more hopeful side in their unconscious that still longs for a close loving relationship with a man, but which they keep hidden.

How the battle of the sexes influences strong women in relationships: Storch explains that women have won significant territory from men through the women's movement - and there is no way they want to give it back. Women are no longer limited to the options of wife and mother. They have seen too many of these 'good women' lead productive but miserable lives, as they care for their husbands and families, but miss out on pursuing their full potential. They have also seen these 'good' women, perhaps their grandmothers and mothers, cast aside for younger women, and have now come to the conclusion that womanly virtues are not worth much.

Have women lost their femininity? Storch argues that by striving to forge their place in the world - a predominantly male world - women have taken on some of the traditional masculine character traits. And in the process they have pushed aside some of their true feminine qualities, including the desire for a loving relationship.

Why don't strong women fall in love with nice, uncomplicated men? Many strong women are afraid to drop their guard and allow themselves to pursue that loving relationship for fear of losing the independence and power they have worked so hard to establish. So they continue to fall in love with those men who will never give them the commitment, love and respect they want.

How to break the cycle: By coming to understand that her desire for a loving committed relationship doesn't have to mean sacrificing her independence, strength and power, the strong woman can learn to embrace and accept herself and her desires fully, opening the way for a more satisfying relationship without the heartache.

Family Separation A Guide for Teens - Top ten things for teens to remember

The Australian Government has produced a booklet 'Family Separation A Guide for Teens' with the Child Support Agency to help Australian teens experiencing family separation.

Separation can take place over months or years. During this time children experience many emotions and changes to their lifestyle. It can be confusing and a difficult process fir everyone to adjust to. This compounded with teenage pressures of the social & physical nature can intensify your reactions to your adjusting lifestyle. 'Family Separation A Guide for Teens' aims to give teens some tips and help to understand and cope with what's going on around them.

The Child Support Agency (CSA) helps ensure children can rely on their parents for the financial and emotional support necessary for their well-being. They have more than 4000 staff across the country supporting around 1.5 million parents to transfer payments for the benefit of 1.2 million children. For more information about the CSA call 131 272 or visit: www.csa.gov.au

Top ten things for teens to remember

1. You’re not alone. Around 11,000 teenagers are affected by family separation in Australia each year.

2. It’s not your fault. Nothing you said or did made your parents decide to separate.

3. It’s not your job to make things better for your parents. They are responsible for you, not the other way around.

4. Your parents are separating from each other, not you. Your father will always be your father and your mother will always be your mother.

5. You have the right to feel safe. If you don’t feel safe, talk to someone you trust. If you’re experiencing violence call the police.

6. You can still have a relationship with both your parents even if you don’t live with one of them any more. You can visit them or stay in contact with them by phone, email or letter.

7. You have the right to express your views and have them heard.

8. Relationships break down for a number of reasons. Don’t take sides or judge who is right or wrong, your parents’ relationship is between them.

9. It is a good idea to get two of the things you need every day, like a toothbrush, hairbrush or clothes so you don’t have to carry as much stuff when you travel between your parent’s houses.

10. It is okay to get help if you need it. Talk to someone you trust.

Could you share your guy?

by Lucy Stewart

Could you share your guy?

Struggle to share the space in a communal change room? How would you go sharing your man? I recently took the plunge and committed to a years contract with Foxtel. Oohh Foxtel, a sweet luxury that I have already come to love during its short stay. With just under 100 channels at my disposal, I can watch anything from Sex and the City and Family Guy, to the 2000 AFL Grand Final. Now, I know what you're thinking. Why on earth would she want to watch some stupid Grand Final? And the truth is, I don't, but all I'm saying is that if I wanted too, I totally could.

One particular series has taken my interest, Girls of the Playboy Mansion. The show follows the lives of Hugh Heffner's three girlfriends; Holly Madison, Kendra Wilkinson and Bridgette Marquardt. Viewers are taken behind the gates of the world's most famous English Tudor and are given just a glimpse into the lives of girls that live, play and party with the man himself. We are invited to watch extravagant parties, lavish photo shoots and lazy summer days around the pool. Though this may not be everyone's cup of tea, it's right down my alley, as for some unknown reason I just can't get enough of trashy reality television.

Throughout the show I watch in disbelief as the girls are intimate with the 81yrs old Playboy mogul. However there is one thing I find even more astonishing than this. Every episode I attempt to grasp the idea of sharing your man. Not since the evolution of Crocs have I struggled with such a concept. Learning to share

Now I won't lie. I do have a reputation for being the jealous type. At home, my sister and I like to participate in the occasional 'call 0ff', in which we place our puppy in the middle of the room and each furiously call her. Whoever the dog runs to is supposedly the one she likes better. 'Call off's' do occasionally end in me sulking off and ignoring the dog, and my sister, for the day. Plus, I'm not really one to share. If I've just bought one of the latest magazines I won't share it with anyone until I've read every page. I like my magazines as virgins, thank you very much. However, as jealous and as selfish as I am, I'm sure most girls would agree that they don't want to share their partner with anyone. It is for this very reason that I simply can't comprehend how Holly, Kendra and Bridgette do it.

It appears that these girls are not alone in the structure of their personal relationships. In the modern world there are little restrictions on the types of relationships people can have. In 2001 same sex marriages were first legalized in the Netherlands, with six other jurisdictions quickly following suit. Earlier this year Ontario's highest court gave legal parental status to the lesbian partner of a biological mother, essentially giving a young boy three legal parents. It seems that the traditional idea of an intimate relationship has completely gone out the window. Whilst the girls of the playboy mansion simply date the same man, some people take this a step further.

Polygamy refers to the practice or condition of having more than one spouse at one time, and it is not restricted to the lives of the famous. In 2006, HBO television series "Big Love" was released. "Big Love" follows the life of modern polygamist Bill Henrickson (Bill Paxton) and watches him tackle issues within his three-house suburban home, as well as outside of it. The series revolves around Bill, his three wives; Barb (Jeanne Tripplehorn), Nicki (Chloe Sevigny) and Margene (Gennifer Goodwin), and the family's seven children. It attempts to offer the viewer an unbiased portrayal of polygamy in America. The show has set off nation wide debate across America, as to whether or not polygamy should be legalized. The season finale of "Big Love" averaged 4.5 million viewers, so it is clear that many have a strong interest in the idea of 'man-sharing', or can simply relate to the show. The polygamy trend appears to be catching on around the world. In Chechnya, the Deputy Prime Minister believes that legalizing polygamy is essential for the country. Chechnya has been devastated by war, and as a result the female population greatly outweighs the male population. Women are being forced to share guys in what appears a man drought.

Real life man-sharing

Could the belief that it is impossible to find a man, let alone a good one, really be the driving force of 'man-sharing'? Earlier this year Kate, 20yrs, met a man that she instantly fell for. "I met him at a club when I was out with some of the girls. He was gorgeous, smart and true gentlemen." After various failed relationships Kate thought she'd hit the jackpot. The only problem was that her sexy bachelor Brian, had eyes for not just Kate, but another woman he'd met a month earlier. Brian was desperate to learn more about Kate, even though he was seeing another girl. "He told me straight up that he'd recently been on dates with Claire, to be honest I didn't think much of it. It wasn't like he had a girlfriend or anything, and I'd been in so many crappy relationships that I thought it was worth a shot." For the next month Kate and Brian had various dinner dates and he was even lucky enough to meet the parents. "I hadn't told mum and dad that he was seeing another girl, but it's not like he was my boyfriend, so to be honest I didn't think it mattered." Just over a month later Claire moved interstate and was then completely out of the picture. However, Kate and Brian's relationship remained unchanged. "I'll admit that initially I had thoughts about us making our relationship official but then I questioned the effect this would have on my life." Kate practically works full time and attends university so she felt that there was little point in becoming a full time girlfriend. "I came to the realization that my relationship with Brian was working perfectly just the way it was. At that point in my life I couldn't handle a boyfriend, but a friend with benefits suited me just fine"

Though Kate's story is not as extreme as the polygamists living in Utah, or the girls at the playboy mansion, her relationship with Brian is still not what you would call traditional. It appears that 'man-sharing' is all around us. Is the idea of a traditional relationship becoming a thing of the past?

The Reality of it All

Sex therapist, and author of Riding the Sexual Frontier, Jo-Anne Baker, does not agree that traditional relationships are becoming a thing of the past. She does however believe that nowadays people have less commitment to working relationship issues out. "They simply aren't equipped with the tools to keep developing intimacy." Could this be the reason couples are choosing to add more people to the equation? Jo-Anne believes that even if a couple believes in monogamy, it's still something that they need to work at. Relationships involving late teens and early 20 something's require particular effort, as this is the most common age for sexual experimentation. In the case of a relationship involving more than two people Jo-Anne does not believe that this is sustainable. "In my experience, couples find it hard enough with one partner, let alone two." She believes that adding more people into a relationship will cause a breakdown in the main relationship, and various trust issues will develop from this. Not so in the case of the playboy girls. Hefner's number one girlfriend, Holly Madison claims; "I don't get jealous of other girls, because I was... raised in a cloning lab to be the perfect woman for Hugh M. Hefner." You're not fooling anyone sweetheart.

It appears that though 'man-sharing' is becoming more and more acceptable, it's not all its cracked up to be. Whilst many young couples are experimenting with different types of relationships, the stability of such is questionable. Still, there could be much worse than having to share Hugh Hefner. Imagine having to live the life of any one of the guests on Fox 8's Jerry Springer show. I don't care how attractive she finds him; it's her brother for God's sake!

'Man-sharing' all around us:

For years Simone Warne has shared her husband Shane, though for most of it she was blissfully unaware. Following her discovery of betrayal Simone and Shane continued to live together whilst they both saw other people.

American pornographic actress Nina Hartley was in a relationship with her husband Dave and 'wife' Bobby Lilly for 20 years. The relationship fell apart with Hartley saying "I was too immature and he was too possessive. It didn't work... It ended up ending because it was the wrong three people involved."

On the American hit Grey's Anatomy, key characters Meredith Grey and Addison Montgomery are forced to share McDreamy, aka, Derek Shepherd. The tables turn when McDreamy is forced to share Meredith.

Inside the Mind of a Sex Addict – More than the Naked Eye Sees
If you ever wanted to explore inside the mind of a sex addict, then just keep reading. I was a prime candidate for pornography addiction -- 29 years old, single, and I was horny as heck! New to town and not knowing any girls with whom I could talk made it easy to see them only as sex objects, so I focused only on their physical attributes.

Have you ever heard of the song, I’m A Girl Watcher? It became my theme song in my new hometown. Initially, I obsessed about women’s physical attributes with their clothes on, but this led to the natural progression of wanting to see them without clothes. More than a few counselors in my city, of which I was one, had a womanizing reputation. Being sexually active was almost expected and condoned. Daily, my boss retold his youthful sexual exploits -- now too old to continue. “Boy you ought to be humping (having sex) every night,” his chauffeur once said. Such surroundings would make it easy to blame others for my fall into pornography, but I take full responsibility. No one held a gun to my head.

Flipping TV channels at my boss’ home late one night, my eyes hit the Playboy channel and I was hooked! I couldn’t see enough nudity and sex. My conscience was saying “No,” but I wouldn’t listen. Having counsel from mature moral men would have been nice. But no excuses -- I’m totally responsible for my wrong choices and their consequences, some lifelong. How did a boy raised in church get here -- becoming a porn addict?

Inside the Mind of a Sex Addict—Living A Double Life
The reasoning inside the mind of a sex addict usually suggests going underground with your new lifestyle, becoming a secret agent because people won’t understand. They’ll reject you. You know the middle and high school drill -- one way with parents/teachers and another with peers. Getting high from the chemicals the brain releases makes pornography extremely addictive. Pornography enslaved me to this chemical release in my own brain -- doing whatever it took to get high. My brain became my own drug supplier, eliminating any middle man. No one warned me that this addiction would escalate. Watching pornography not only affected my mind, but my body.

Masturbation is the next step in pornography. Pornography triggers a physical response -- an erection. Erections demand a release or a cold shower. I wasn’t about to take a cold shower! Masturbating unleashed a new source of pleasure. My addiction had now tripled: my lusting eyes, the euphoric feeling from the brain chemicals, and the pleasure of masturbating. Avoiding peak hours at the video store was critical in not being seen with pornographic videos. Every free moment, my mind was focusing on pornography. You may be thinking similar thoughts, “So what if girls rejected me or someone mistreated me, relief is only a DVD or a website away.”

Inside the Mind of a Sex Addict—Regaining Control of Me
Often a constant battle rages inside the mind of a sex addict. Initially, all the secrecy and illicit pleasure was fun. But the more pornography I consumed, the more it consumed me. Stimulation required more perverse pornography. I wasn’t in control -- the pornography was! Addicted while single, I carried it into my marriage. This resulted in deceiving my wife, the one with whom I’m to be closest. Hiding my addiction from my wife got old quick. I must be crazy for risking my marriage for fantasy!

Pornography promotes selfishness. Seldom did I think of bringing sexual pleasure to my wife. I thought only about getting, not giving. Pornography made it difficult if not impossible to develop intimacy with my wife. When we had conflict, pornography made it so easy to cop out and not work through the conflict. (I’ve since learned that working through conflict, not avoiding it, is the key to marital intimacy.)

Finally, I saw that pornography was destroying my marriage and me. I needed help. God provided it through an unusual revival that broke out on Christian college campuses across the country. Without music and any form of manipulation, students gathered, one by one confessing their sins. My executive director thought it would be beneficial for our office to do this. So, in front of men and women and with God’s help, I publicly confessed my sin of pornography. Immediately, what felt like a physical weight was lifted off of me. I was free! Instead of receiving criticism, men put their hands on my shoulders and prayed for me! Then, I went home and confessed to my wife. She immediately forgave me. She has never mentioned it since then. In fact, she has given me permission to publicly share my story to help free others. Not every wife is ready for us to unload our guilt on them. Become a student of your wife -- be sure she’s ready and willing to hear this from you. You may first need to spend months building trust and intimacy with her.

Freedom is seldom appreciated until it is gone. Being free from pornography is incredible! It has resulted in a new closeness with my wife, less stress from living a double life, peace, self-worth, and no deception from momentary pleasure. I now have self-imposed boundaries and I also have an accountability partner. I’ve replaced pornography with life-giving priorities: family time, helping others, writing, and speaking.

1. Unlike your girly privates, which are internal, boy privates are external. God knew that nobody wanted to see all our lady mess, so He pushed everything up inside you. What in tarnation He was thinking when he came up with that nasty, dangling, squishy flesh on boys beats the heck out of me, but I suspect it was so it would be easier for Him to keep an eye on what they're up to. Because trust me: that grotesque grab bag of horror and disappointment is always up to something, gals.

2. Boy privates are often said to resemble hot dogs, although if you ask me, the ones I've seen always called to mind something like those cute little Austrian cocktail weenies they sell 8 to a can. But I think famed author Lynne Cheney described the male unmentionable best when she recalled recoiling at "an old Frankenstein's monster bratwurst that looked like it had rolled under the couch for a month and got covered in dust bunnies and would make you spit up if you even so much as halfheartedly nibbled the tip of it."

3. Though erotically sensitive just like girl nipples, boy nipples are NOT privates – yet. But my husband and I are working hard to instill a sense of sexualized body shame so acute, that one day soon boys will learn that their nipples are dirty little things that will get them – just like you! – arrested when they strut around topless at Myrtle Beach. America is not some big, old licentious San Tropez and it's time all of you out there realized it!

4. The stuff that comes out of boys every time they use you has as many calories as seven whole pints of Häagen-Dazs. That's why all the girls who do "it" always get so fat and ugly and have that ulcerated skin that screams to everyone in church, "I am an insatiable slut!"

5. While almost all American boys have human-looking privates, most foreign boys have privates like German Shepherds or half-open tubes of Max Factor lipstick.

6. Because boys use the business end of their privates as a pipe for going number one, touching it is pretty much the same as taking a bath in a Mexican's toilet.

7. If you play your cards right, the revolting little wrinkled purse part of boy privates is something a Christian lady can go throughout her entire life without ever seeing. But knowing where it is can come in mighty handy when called upon to give a "not until marriage" warning kick.

8. When a boy's disgusting private goes inside of a girl's shameful unmentionable, there is a serious risk of it breaking off and causing excruciating pain while it travels throughout your body like a giant trichinosis worm.

9. Up until the moment in your wedding when he says "I do," a boy's privates sport a treacherous spine of jagged scales, which may or may not secrete acid and weapons-grade anthrax – for which, apparently, only Ann Coulter has developed the antibodies.

10. God designed a boy's privates as part sword, part battering-ram, to joyously stab and hammer you with on the magical night you begin your life-long tethering to the man who'll liberate you from the drudgery of ever having to make your own decisions – except when to have a headache or give an "I don't like this" bite.

Your number of lovers is never too much

by Saskia Vogel

3, 60, 24, 17, 624, I don't remember. Is there an answer to "How many men have you slept with?" that ever actually feels like the right number? And how do you count in the first place?

HOW TO COUNT

First off, how do you define sex? Well, if you're straight, probably by penetrative intercourse. If you're bi, then you are more likely to include any oral/manual encounter. If you're into BDSM, you might count the partners you've "played" with. Frankly, I think sex is 2 hot bodies going at it passionately (in whatever form you choose), so I'd say the rule of thumb for Total Number of Erotic Encounters should be all inclusive. (For example, sexually active lesbians who have never had sex with men are not virgins. Their number is not zero.) And there's the problem. Once you start counting your lovers, you may come up with a number that makes you feel...well...slutty or under-experienced. You may start "making expectations" like these: I don't remember his name; It was only the one time; I only count men I loved; It was just oral; It was before I became celibate.

WHAT DO THE NUMBERS MEAN

In numerology, I love my number: nine. Like my star sign (Virgo), I think it says a lot about me, but my number of sexual partners, depending on the company, makes me feel somewhere between slutty (I've never told my boyfriend how many, and I've never asked him) and chaste (I adore my outspoken friends). I couldn't tell you my number off hand anymore, and I'm sure you, dear reader would find it somewhere between slutty and chaste, too. It's popular question (remember that scene behind the cash register in Clerks where Dante freaks out about his ex's number of partners...including oral-only sex?), but does it really matter? A number has no bearing on a person's ability to have any kind of relationship they desire. It holds no moral weight. It only says nothing about your values.

I say we stop counting. When we stop counting, we give ourselves permission to explore our desires free from social stigma, love as we please and discover sex as an organic erotic force to be enjoyed as we enjoy the other earthly pleasures. And really, who cares? (And if he cares, is he worth it?)

Frankly, unless I'm feeling like channeling Sesame Street's The Count, I couldn't tell you my number off hand.

Nine Things to Know About Male Sexuality

by By Cory Silverberg

There's a myth that male sexuality is simple. The reality is that (in public at least) men talk and write less about sexuality than anyone, and the result is that there is a great deal of ignorance about male sexuality. Here is a crash course on key aspects of male sexuality that everyone should know about.

Penis size isn’t a simple measurement.

Most men worry about the size of their penis at some point their lives. Sadly, they usually do this with little understanding of what the average penis size is. While some women report that penis size does matter, most people agree that penis size isn’t nearly as important as things like overall sexual interest, sexual technique, and sexual compatibility. All things that have much more to do with the organ between ones ears than the one between ones legs.

Men don’t always want to have sex.

The stereotype of male sexuality is that men always want sex. This stereotype is so ingrained in men that many act it out, engaging in sex when they don’t really feel like it just because it is expected of them. The fact is that there are many times when men don’t feel like having sex, and this doesn’t always indicate a “problem”. Low libido may be caused by physical or psychological factors, but it can also be a reasonable reaction to life’s stressors.

Men can have multiple orgasms.

Because most men learn to stimulate themselves to orgasm with ease, they tend to think they’ve learned it all by the time their 19. In reality, most men only experience a small percentage of their orgasmic potential. One example are male multiple orgasms. Just like many (but not all) women, many men can learn to become multi-orgasmic. Learn more about male multiple orgasms.

Men can control ejaculation (most of the time).

While most men experience problems with ejaculation at some point in their lives, many don’t know that the timing of ejaculation can be controlled, most of the time, with relatively simple exercises. There are many myths about premature ejaculation and these can be difficult to overcome. But getting a better understanding of male sexual response, and learning to control ejaculation, can also lead to a greater experience of sexual pleasure.

Men can (and do) use sex toys.

There is a myth that sex toys (vibrators in particular) are for women, and that they are like a stand-in for men. The fact is that sex toys don’t replace people, they do things none of us can, and the pleasure they facilitate can be for men as much as women. Sex toys can provide incredibly intense stimulation, unlike anything a man has experienced, and using sex toys with a partner can open up all sorts of new possibilities. Learn more about sex toys.

Men do have a “special button”

While not all men like having it pressed, it’s true that the prostate gland can be a source of intense sexual pleasure for men. Often referred to as the “male g spot” or the “p-spot” (a term that seems seriously unsexy to me), prostate stimulation, done either externally by massaging the perineum, or internally through penetration, can open up a new world to men who believe there’s only one way for them to experience sexual pleasure.

Anal pleasure is for all men.

Many heterosexual men still think that if they like or want anal play it “means they are gay.” This is a false idea based on homophobic beliefs. Anal play won’t make you gay but it may make you very excited. In addition to prostate stimulation, many heterosexual couples are exploring the physical and psychological pleasure of reversing traditional sexual and gender roles. However they do it, once they discover the pleasure of anal play most men never look back. Learn more about anal play.

Masturbation is good for men.

Parents often give boys mixed messages about masturbation. They may say “it’s dirty” bit they also say “boys will be boys”. As a result almost all men masturbate throughout their lives, but often do so with feelings of ambivalence. And they rarely talk about their masturbation. Many of the secrets to a man’s desires can be found in the way he masturbates, and men who are good at pleasuring themselves can teach their partners what turns them on while exploring new ways to masturbate.

Male sexuality isn’t simple

This is the single most harmful myth about male sexuality. Because men’s genitalia are external, because they can usually get themselves off easily, because in the west we’re told that men have it “better” than women (as if there were only two genders on the planet) it is assumed that there is nothing new to know about male sexuality. As a result, one could argue that men are among the least sexually evolved and have to work extra hard to discover their own sexual potential. But it’s there!