Show You're Interested—Without Appearing Desperate

by Tracey Cox

It's the question that hovers nervously at the back of every single girl's mind when she meets a guy who seems a. attractive, b. single and c. sane: "Am I acting too interested?" In fact, many of us play it so cool that we underplay our interest to the extent that we give the complete opposite impression. Warning: Distant can backfire just as much, if not more, than desperate.

A good flirt isn't desperate, aggressive or in the slightest bit offensive. Even if it turns out the guy you're flirting with is attached or uninterested, a good flirt will still leave him feeling complimented, rather than offended. The trick is to use techniques you feel comfortable with, and to adjust the volume depending on his reaction. It's easier than it sounds, so slide into that sexy little black number and try these simple "I'm available" signals next time you're out with the girls.

• Wear high-heeled shoes: Women worry about the size of their bums, but bums that stick out are consistently judged as sexier than little bums that don't. High heels, on average, make your bottom protrude by 25 percent more (emphasis on the word "protrude," as opposed to "makes your bum look bigger"). If you really want to make him sit up and pay attention, team the heels with a pair of tight-ish jeans and put your hand in the back pocket.



• Dangle a shoe: Shoes say a lot about your sexual mood. Sometimes you'll slip our foot in and out of a shoe (no prizes for guessing what you're secretly thinking when you're doing that one). Or you'll dangle it on the tip of our toes (keeping him dangling at the same time).

Go for the one-two punch: Want to really see him sweat? Cross your legs while holding eye contact and turn toward him. Next, let your high-heeled shoe drop until it's dangling from your toe. Then begin to slowly and seductively move your foot up and down in a thrusting (get the picture?) motion. Note, this only works with high, sexy heels. The effect is dampened somewhat if you attempt it with sneakers or sensible flatties. (Sorry, but I didn't promise comfort along with flirtability!)

Teach with touch: Once he's talking to you, stroke your collarbone absentmindedly with the ring finger of the opposite hand. Maintain eye contact with him as you're doing it, and let your hand rest there when you've finished. (If stroking doesn't feel natural, just leave your hand there. Splay your fingers and lift your hand so just the tips of your fingers touch.)

Turn up the heat: Now throw your head back slightly. (It will look the most natural if you wait until the next time you laugh.) Move your hand to the base of your throat. Now ever so slowly, let your fingers slide down your throat toward your breasts. Stop just where your cleavage starts and let your fingers rest there. Keep them there as long as he talks but when you talk, remove your hand. Can you think of a better incentive for him to keep talking to you?

Think dirty: Conjure up a naughty scenario where the two of you are having sex. Keep it running through your heard, then glance at him while slowly stroking your bottom lip with your index finger. If you can pull it off, lower your head slightly as you're looking at him. Why? It lets him know that you're thinking something very naughty and makes him wonder what on Earth is going through your head. To really seal the deal, say something like, "Sorry, what were you saying? I got a bit lost there." It's particularly effective if he was saying something he thought you'd be mega-interested in (like the fact that he owns a private jet). NOTE: It's crucial with this one that you maintain eye contact, or it sends the opposite signal that you drifted off because you were bored.

Take it down a notch: Does this is all sound a bit contrived and girly for you? Then do any one of them in a more subtle way, working on his subconscious. The trick is to experiment with volume control and adapt them to suit you. (Practice in front of the mirror to get an idea of what the techniques look like.) Can't bring yourself to stroke your bottom lip? Look at his mouth while he's talking instead. Also watch his reaction: If he's clearly enjoying himself, feel free to up the ante and be more overt with the techniques. If he's shy or you're not sure, keep them simple and play them down a little.

The Flirt Test

"How do I know if he's flirting with me?" is one of the questions people ask me most often. And I can see why. It truly isn't that easy to figure out if someone really is flirting with you, or just being incredibly friendly—especially if it's someone you don't know. Some people flirt so often, they do it in their sleep. They don't care if it's a man, woman, dog, cat or ladybug: If it's got a pulse, they'll flirt with it. Needless to say, if someone like this aims some killer smiles your way, it could mean absolutely nothing. For someone who's quite shy, simply standing still and talking to you is their equivalent of flirting outrageously. And that leads us to this main question: Do they always act like this, or is this behavior just for me?

Once you've figured that out, another question immediately pops up: What kind of flirting is it? What's his intention? Is it a bit of harmless fun, designed to give both of you an ego boost and a giggle? Is he thinking of a your-place-or-mine-type scenario, or maybe a ride-off-into-the-sunset situation? Is it any wonder, a lot of us think, "Oh I give up!" at this point and head straight for the bar? (And that only confuses the issue even further! You think your judgment's iffy now? Wait until you've had a couple.) Unfortunately, it's impossible for me to give you a surefire guide on whether someone's flirting with you or not. People are far too individual for that. But I can give you some pretty good tips that should well and truly point you in the right direction. So here goes.

• Forget about what he's saying, and focus entirely on his body language: If possible, let him rattle on while you have a good look at what's going on. What clues is he giving? Is he standing close? Looking at you a lot? Does he seem to be focused entirely on you, or looking around as though he's just passing time?



• Check your own body language: Are you giving off the right signals to the guy you're interested in? Are you facing him with your body square? Are you sending the right eye-contact signals? Standing close? Leaning forward with your upper body?

Look at his body language and apply "the rule of four": To be pretty certain someone fancies you, he must show a minimum of four positive body language signals (directed at you obviously, as opposed to the gorgeous blonde standing beside or behind you).

Deliberately change your position and see if he follows you: It's the mirroring thing again: If we're keen on someone, we try to stay on the same level as them. So if you change your position, he should follow by imitating whatever new posture you've adopted.

A word of warning here: Make sure you don't do this too abruptly or shift into negative body language, or he'll think you're suddenly not interested. People mirror bad body language, as well, and if you suddenly sit back, cross your arms and look down your nose at him, chances are he'll think the game is over and do the same! Instead, try something like leaning over and swirling a straw in your drink, placing a hand, palm down, on top of the table closer to his side than yours, etc—something he could easily mirror without looking silly.

Finally, flirt more intensely: The best way to find out if he's flirting with you is to assume he is and flirt back. At this point, forget being subtle; intensify all the body language signals you've learned. Try leaning in really, really close and see if he leans in to join you. Touch him on his upper arm and leave your fingers there for a minute or so. Does he pull away or seem comfortable with your touch? Wait for a pause in the conversation, then hold his eye contact for four seconds with your sexiest eyes without saying a word. Then let a slow smile spread across your face. This very obviously says, "I think we're flirting," without you having to say anything out loud.

If he smiles back and continues doing all he's been doing, rest assured, you've hit a home run. If, however, he makes an excuse to leave at this point, that means he was just flirting for fun and not for an end result—and you just upped the odds to stakes that were too serious. (Never mind, better to find out earlier in the game than later!) If all else fails and he still doesn't ask for your phone number when you're about to part, take a deep breath and ask him for his! It could simply be a case of him being shy or thinking you're way out of his league.