LOVE SEX PASSION FEAR

2008-08-27T12:49:00.000-07:00

Why Are Women So Strange and Men So Weird?

By Psychologist, Bruce Christopher

As a psychologist, I can assure you that the greatest commodity you possess is your ability to communicate. People who are excellent communicators have better relationships, better marriages, raise more functional children - and they tend to be more successful in their careers. In fact, many years ago a classic survey was done to graduates of the Stanford University engineering department; they wanted to find out what made a great engineer. The results were significant; the respondents indicated that only 20% of their success was due to their technical expertise, while the other 80% was due to their people skills.

Think about what makes your company great. It is not your organization's fine technology or its spiffy offices; it's you! It is the people that make a corporation a phenomenal one. Communication is also the greatest commodity of your organization; your ability to communicate with your teammates, your customers and clientele is what makes you successful. That's why companies are called "organizations" - it is an organism, a living entity made up of real people who give it energy with their interpersonal interactions. Communication runs your company.

About 4 years ago in San Diego, a woman introduced me to the audience and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I think about Bruce Christopher every single day." Wow, I thought, what a nice thing to say. She continued, "The reason I think about him everyday is because three years ago in a seminar, he taught me how men think and speak differently from women. I still apply those concepts and strategies whenever I talk to my male colleagues at work and my husband at home." Another "Wow" - three years of retention and application after a training seminar is fantastic!

But what happens whenever we try to communicate with someone of the opposite sex? A whole new dynamic takes over and it often feels like we are talking to someone from another planet!

In my seminar on "Voice Mail/Voice Female", I ask the audience to understand these three very important points:

Men and women THINK differently

Men and women SPEAK differently

Men and women DECIDE differently

If you are not aware of these differences, you will not be an effective communicator when dealing with your opposite sex colleagues, customers, and teammates.

For example, after attending a half day workshop, Tim Thoele of Principal Financial Group - Minneapolis (MDRT Court of The Table Qualifier), wrote us and said:
"Your three hour session was one of the most informative workshops I have attended and found so many principles that I could apply in my own life. I walked away from your session and immediately applied what I had learned."

My first experience involved a very good client, who happens to be a woman. Upon arriving for a very important meeting with her I kept in mind your comment that women hold eye contact for an average of 12 seconds, and men hold eye contact an average of 3 seconds, leading women to believe that men don't hear them. I decided to test your theory and apply your "12 second" technique. As she talked to me, I kept eye contact with her for 12 seconds. . .believe me, they seemed like very long 12 seconds. However, because of my attention to eye contact, she felt I really understood her needs and it ended up being one of the most successful meetings I ever had with her. . . .

Before testing your theories, I never understood how soft skills, such as gender difference communication, could directly impact my bottom line.

How do men and women think differently?
Men and women are equally intelligent but men and women tend to view the world through differing frameworks. To put it succinctly, men think COMPARTMENTALLY and women think GLOBALLY: it all has to do with how men and women store information and file away data in their cognitive memory banks.

Men, who think compartmentally, tend to separate out details and store them in distinct "compartments" which I liken to a file-cabinet-drawer system. A man, in his mind, has a file drawer for work, one for wife, for hobbies, etc, Because of this cognitive framework, men tend to open and close the "drawers" which they need in the immediate moment and they tend to stay exclusively in that compartment. The result is that when a man is in one compartment, nothing else exists except that one compartment.

Women, on the other hand, tend to see life from a more global perspective. Whereas men separate things out, women tend to do the opposite and connect things up. Women see the underlying connections and the interrelated detail and data more clearly than men do. It is interesting to sit in a staff meeting and observe how the men see the end objective clearly, but they may have a more difficult time perceiving how one underlying piece of information could swing around and impact the end result later on. Yet the women in the group see this possibility more readily. Both ways of thinking, compartmental and global, are great ways to think, they both have their own inherent strengths and weaknesses; but put us together on the same team, or in the same relationship, and the mysteries start.

An example, which most people in corporate America can relate to, is being in conflict with someone of the opposite sex at work. For example, Joe and Sally are having an important business discussion on Friday afternoon in the office. They have different views on an issue and are both emotionally invested in their respective positions. Then, five o'clock comes and it's time to go home and enjoy the weekend, but the discussion was never finished and a resolution was not achieved. What does the man in our story do? He goes home, closes his work file-drawer-compartment, opens up the weekend compartment and stays in that drawer all weekend long. I generally ask my audience what happens for the female in this example; all the women in the group answer immediately, "She stews about that conflict all weekend!" She ruminates and thinks about the unresolved issue with her teammate, and come Monday morning wants to find some closure to the problem.

Then the most amazing thing happens on Monday. Joe, arrives at work and closes his weekend-file-drawer-compartment and opens up the Monday-morning-at-work-file-drawer-compartment. Sally approaches him and wants to revisit the discussion from last week. She says, "Joe, could we talk a little more about the issue from last week?" And guess what he says. "What issue? Oh that? That's in the past. It's water under the bridge. I can't believe you are bringing that up again!" And he thinks that she is just trying to drag him through old issues just for the fun of it. He can't understand why she can't let go of the past.

In actuality what is happening is the difference between compartmental and global thinking patterns. He perceives no connection between the fight from last week and working together this week - he has compartmentally separated them out. For her, she feels an underlying connection between conflict and a successful working relationship. Far from wanting to drag him through the past again, she is doing a reality-check; "we were in conflict last week, I just want to make sure things are resolved so that we can get on with the business at hand."

One of the great tensions that women feel in business is a sense of being left hanging and not finding closure in conflict. Men tend to close the drawer on conflict prematurely and may not see how unresolved issues can actually hinder performance and office morale. This is one small example of compartmental vs. global thinking. Can you think of other ways that these differing cognitive frameworks can create tension between men and women in business?

How do men and women speak differently?

Because of culture and differences in how little boys and girls are raised, adult men and women tend to have differing interpersonal styles which can create misunderstanding and communication mis-fires.

Women tend to use an interpersonal style which is more historical and presented in a narrative fashion. Background and context are important pieces in the "Voice-Female. " In my seminars, I tell the audience that women speak in paragraph form supported with lots of details, and most importantly, the bottom-line coming at the end of the story. Makes a lot of sense when you think about it. Where else would you put the bottom-line except at the end of the story. Women enjoy the suspense of working up to the bottom-line, for the joy is in the telling of the story.

However, men experience this enjoyment as agitation. Because in the "Voice-Male," men do not speak in paragraphs, they speak in phrases. Shorter, clipped, reporting statements without a lot of detail and surprisingly (or maybe not) the bottom-line comes not last, but first. And sometimes that's all you get! Which of course, can lead to excessive frustration for the female.

In the average day, it has been estimated that a man speaks 12,500 words and a woman speaks about 25,000 words. This leads to the old joke about a man going to work and using up 12,495 words and coming home with only five words left! So when he arrives at home he says, "What's for dinner?" (that's three) and "Good night" (that's five!)

Dr. Debra Tannen, a linguist and author on the subject, says that men and women use communication for different purposes. The purpose of communication for a man is to report a fact, while women use communication to build rapport. The mis-match of Report-Talk vs. Rapport-Talk can increase our interpersonal friction with the opposite sex at home and at work.

For example, at the end of the day, wife may ask husband, "Hi honey, how was your day?" He answers the bottom-line: "Fine" - which is "Voice-Male" code for "nobody died and I still have a job; what else could you possibly want to know?" Of course what she is hoping for in her own language is more of a historical narrative with some details, which she does not get and thus may complain, "He never tells me anything. I have no idea what is going on in his life."

At work, men and women also can speak different languages. Remember Joe and Sally who work at the same company? One day, Joe approaches Sally and asks her a bad question, "Sally, I wasn't at the staff meeting today, can you tell me what happened?" According to his "Voice-Male", what Joe wants to hear is simply the bottom-line; really only about a six word answer which sounds like this: "Joe, we postponed the Johnson proposal." That's the bottom-line isn't it. But Joe never asked for the bottom-line, so Sally speaks her own language to him and gives him "Voice-Female".

She speaks in historical narrative fashion, supported with lots of detail, and at the end she says the bottom-line last. . ."And Joe, we postponed the Johnson proposal."

I often ask the women in my audience, "As you speak to a male colleague in historical narrative, have you ever noticed their eyes glaze over?" This usually gets a round of applause. Women begin to believe that men are not listening to them, and of course the answer is that they are not. Not because men don't care what women say, it's all about how it is said. "Men cannot hear you women," I say to them, "because you are speaking a foreign language to them. You are not giving them 'Voice-Male', you are giving them 'Voice-Female'."

In order to fix this communication chasm, both men and women make strategic mistakes. Sally, who knows that she is being tuned out, does what we Americans often do when we are in another country and we do not speak the native tongue: we speak our own language louder and slower. Sally may actually increase her historical narrative, giving more details and background, and/or raise her voice to get his attention. This tends to not work with men and Joe falls into the habitual trait that men often employ with women; he interrupts her. Studies demonstrate that men interrupt women in conversation 75% to 90% of the time. He finishes her sentence for her, cuts her off, gets her to change subjects or hurry up - all because he is agitated and waiting for what he really wants, the bottom-line.

Due to the fact that men and women are working together more closely than ever before, the opportunity for communication chasms to appear are far more probable.

It has been approximated that in a single day, the average office person can waste up to 38% of their day dealing with communication mis-fires and interpersonal tensions in the office. Other studies have observed that up to 70% of what you say to the opposite sex is either misunderstood or not heard. It is apparent how readily you could increase effectiveness and performance on your job simply by being aware of the different male and female voices.

Great communicators are people who change their approach based upon the person they are talking too.

So what do we do about these cognitive and interpersonal differences? The answer is: we change our approach. The biggest mistake that men make with women is that they relate and communicate with women as if they were men. The biggest mistake that women make with men is that they do the same - they relate and communicate with men as if they were women. In short, we use our own specific "gender voices" on the other sex and we wonder why "they just don't get it." We need to be aware of our own "Voice-Male" and "Voice-Female" styles and be open to changing our "voice" when the need arises.

For example, another way that men and women use different voices is in how we ask for things that we need. Learned from childhood, women often use a style which has been called "hint language." This is when a woman expresses a need, wish, or desire framed in the form of a question, raising her shoulders as if she doesn't know what the answer is. In reality, this is a culturally respectful way that women have learned about how to ask for what they want. Wife may turn to husband and say, "Wouldn't it be nice to go see a movie today?" This is "Voice-Female" for "I want to go see a movie."

Unfortunately, men don't often get the hint. The reason is that hint-language is not part of the "Voice-Male"; men tend to take language very literally, focusing in on the content of the message instead of the hidden meanings in the communication. Given the question, "Wouldn't it be nice to see a movie today?" Men just give the answer - "No." Women wonder, "Does he not hear me or care about what I want?"

A client recently told me this story. One of their female supervisors gave a directive to her male staff member, but she said it in "Voice-Female": "Say Larry, if you don't mind and if you've got some time, would you please finish this project?" Now we all know that what she is really saying is, "Get it done!" But what does Larry actually hear? "Well, I've got a lot of options here," he thinks to himself, "Frankly I do mind and I don't have the time right now so I guess I'll not do it." Two weeks later the female supervisor approached Larry and asked why he hadn't finished the project.

What are the true stories of communication mis-fires in your business? Have you noticed that men and women speak a different language and have different "voices?" If you have, then try to change your approach when speaking with the other gender.

Men Can
Men need to use "Voice-Female" when speaking with women. For example

Increase historical details

Give more background and context

Remember that women use communication to build rapport-connections

Spend more time asking questions and listening, moving slowly to the bottom line

When you listen, be sure to maintain eye contact, nod your head, be attentive and give what I call "listening noises" (i.e.; "Uh-huh, umm, hmmm"). Why do you do this? Because this is the "Voice-Female"; women give off interpersonal signals to the speaker of the conversation which lets them know they are being heard. A woman feels heard by another woman because of her listening noises.

Increase non-verbal excellence in communication by trying to read between the lines when listening to women; work on picking up some of the hints that she may be dropping for you. Listening is the art of communicating.

Women Can
Women need to use "Voice-Male" when talking to men. For example:

Give the bottom-line first

Resist the thought that he needs the context and the background. A great technique to try is to simply give him the bottom-line and then ask him if he wants more detail. Most of the time you will be surprised because he actually will. "Sally, what happened at the staff meeting?" says Joe. "Well Joe," says Sally, "We decided to postpone the Johnson proposal." (pause and then continue) "Would you like to hear more details about that?" This is "Voice-Male." Try it and you may find the men in your life hearing you and remembering what you say more effectively.

Avoid speaking in hint language. Remember that men tend not to hear the hints; they hear a question that needs an answer - so they answer it. Be direct. Instead of saying, "Wouldn't it be nice to go see a movie today?" Speak in "I statements" such as "I want" or "I need" - try not to put men in the position of reading your mind or guessing what you are saying. Women, who have become excellent leaders, have learned the art of assertive and respectful communication that doesn't sound pushy or aggressive.

Remember that when it comes to communication, delivery is everything. It's more of how you are saying it, than what you are saying.

I worked with one client who was an outstanding female consultant, yet her business was not generating enough revenue to keep her busy. In reviewing some of her written proposals, I found she was speaking in "Voice Female"; the "bottom-line" in her proposals were on the last page of a 30 page document. Knowing that her potential clients were men, I suggested she place the bottom line on the first page and then follow it with the details of the proposal. Her sales increased immediately. It was necessary for her to change her approach to fit the interpersonal style of her customers, who were men.

Take a piece of paper and outline ways that you can change your approach to more effectively communicate with members of the opposite sex in your profession. Imagine the opportunity to increase your success with your customers and colleagues just by speaking in a way so they can hear you. Remember, speak THEIR language, not yours.

Psychologist, Bruce Christopher is one of the most sought after speakers in the Fortune 500. His unique style of EnterTrainment® blends practical applications within a laughing environment.

2008-08-27T12:39:00.000-07:00

When it's time to say goodbye - really!

You both care deeply about each other, but something's not quite right. Neither of you wants to end the relationship, but for some reason one or both of you aren't quite getting your needs met.

It could be that one of you wants more than the other can give, it could be due to a long distance relationship, or it could be that one of you wants to change the other. There are many things that can disrupt a really good relationship, but once this disruption occurs, it's not easily forgotten, unless things do change.

This kind of situation is a painful and upsetting experience for both. I've been on this merry go round three times, and each time I didn't try and get off because I didn't want to deal with the pain it was going to cause me. Especially when the rest of the relationship was going so well. But the longer you stay on this roundabout the more it ends up hurting.

Recently I had the same thing happen again, we were both happy being together, but he never had time to see me due to his work hours. I understood that this problem was not going to go away. And for once I took control. As much as I loved being with this man, I wasn't going to compromise my life, or who I was, as well as waiting and hoping that things would become better. So I took the long road. I walked. I did it calmly, rationally, and with dignity (well there were a few tears spilt, but I wasn't hysterical, so I think that's acceptable). There were no fights, no arguments, just a felling of sadness from both parties.

This is the first time I have tackled a great, but just not quite right relationship this way. It was difficult walking out of the door once I had made up my mind (I have to admit, the first time I brought it up and said it was over, I drove straight back to his house). But a week later when we were having dinner 'as friends', I found myself kissing him passionately in a restaurant. We went back to his house, watched a movie like old times, while he kept telling me he liked this "spending time together broken up".

I realized it was bordering ridiculous. How many times was I going to drag out the inevitable? I almost stayed the night, when somehow from somewhere, this common sense, which I'd never experienced before said "get out of here now, this could go on for months, 'pretending' that we're not together when we were." Somehow I managed the strength to stand up, walk down the stairs and say goodbye. It hurt, and it was hard. But once in the car driving home, I knew I had made the right decision. I felt sad, yet strong and empowered. I knew I wouldn't allow myself to be put in that situation again.

What amazed me the most, this action had taken me ten years to learn. I think that's why I was finally able to do it. At 28 years of age, I really don't have the time to muck about in a relationship that was not meeting my needs. By this age I really should have learnt a few things, such as the saying "If nothing changes, nothing changes". I guess it was ME that had eventually developed an enormous amount of self-respect when it came to men. I was no longer going to be the one who just couldn't let go when I knew it wasn't going to work, even when things were near to perfect. If the imperfection in the relationship is bothering you a lot, near to perfect is not good enough. When you go back for more, (and more and more) the heartache becomes unbearable. And I felt I couldn't do it to myself again.

So the moral of this story girls, is don't be second best, don't let a relationship take over your whole world, when you know the best thing to do is walk away, even if you believe that this man is your soul mate. If he is, then I strongly believe your turn will come around again, once you've both grown. But never, I repeat never place yourself in a relationship where you are not satisfied and are compromising your own needs (although, make sure your expectations are realistic).

This time round, as much as I still hurt, I feel strong. I haven't gone back crying on his doorstep, telling him I'd made the wrong decision (only to end it a week later). Remember the saying your Mum always said "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't it never was". That saying use to annoy the hell out of me, now it just makes me smile. You never know what's around the corner, and it's best not to sneak a peek, because the unexpected could be amazing, and isn't the element of surprise the best part?

2008-08-27T12:26:00.000-07:00

10 Reasons To Stay Single

This article is dedicated to all the girls out there in "Singledom". Whoever said that single girls don't have more fun?

Relationships are all about compromise.Being single on the other hand, is all about being in control and taking charge of yourself.

You are the Queen of your domain. Being single allows you to be self-indulgent without the need to feel guilty.

Often when in relationships, girls become self-conscious about their body image.

Being single means you are no longer a slave to the way you look.

Single girls can stop worrying about their image 24 hours a day, as they have no one to please but themselves.

Relationships involve sharing and sometimes that means everything! Some guys are content to just share your chocolate with you, but when they insist on borrowing YOUR clothes, you know you're in trouble!The beauty of being single is that you don't have to share with anyone - it's all about you, you, and you baby!

Relationships mean loss of party-life.

Single life means partying to dawn!

You get to meet different types of people while mingling in different circles.

Being single is all about fun, spontaneity and even more fun! So what are you waiting for - Network girlfriend!

Single girls are footloose and fancy-free.

Being a free agent entitles you to see whom you want, when you want.

Being single allows you to flirt with a guy, without feeling guilty!

Rediscover your own body clock. Single girls should enjoy the freedom; answer to no one and do things in their own timeframe.

Remember that single life can be a headache-free, hassle-free, wonderful Life!

2008-08-27T12:06:00.000-07:00

Spell on How to Attract the Right Partner

It's a strange experience for a writer to be peeking into other people's bedrooms. Not literally, of course, but through the case studies I choose to include in my books. Tackling the topics of love, lust, relationships and fertility this time around meant that I needed to cajole those brave souls who were willing to be my magical guinea pigs. Asking a couple to trust you to improve their sex life, or to trust you at the worrisome time prior to undergoing IVF, is a big request. Thankfully, I was able to convince a number of wonderful people across three continents to do just that.

When I first decided to write about the Witch's Way as it applies to love, it was important to me to ensure that at its heart it had integrity, truth and a distinctly modern take. It is a recurring theme in my work to take the ancient wisdom of Witches and apply it to modern problems. Witches have always been good in the bedroom!

We are able to assist when it comes to building a solid personal foundation, attracting the right partner, keeping the lust alive and even when it comes to cleanly breaking the bonds when a relationship goes sour. We know, through our vast herbal and nature-based wisdom, which plant to use to balance hormones and which ones get the juices flowing. Our whole spiritual practice is based around creation and pleasure (which is in contrast to many other mainstream religions), and so Witches, I believe, are in a prime position to influence matters of the heart and body in significant ways.

I didn't want Witch in the Bedroom to be "just another spell book." My intention wasn't to instruct anyone on how to turn their boyfriend into a frog or show how to curse that nasty ex. Rather, I wanted it to demonstrate how - through the Witch's Way - the reader can attract and keep an ideal partner, build a greater connection with each other, ramp up their sensual pleasure and even conceive more easily, if that's their desire.

I purposely delve into the nitty-gritty issues, such as co-dependence and sexual disassociation, because they are such common complaints in today's world. However, keeping fun in it...such as a section on Sex by the Seasons....is also just as important in keeping lust and love alive."

2008-08-27T11:48:00.000-07:00

Which State has the most romantic men?

PERTH MEN, SYDNEY WOMEN THE MOST GENEROUS FOR VALENTINES DAY

Sydneysiders are most likely to be single, Brisbane women are demanding, Perth-based men are the most generous spenders, while men living in Melbourne are the most likely to say it with flowers according to a national survey about Valentines Day.

According to the 5th quarterly Australian Pleasure Survey commissioned by online gift voucher service RedBalloon Days, of the 3,005 respondents, 79.9% of all respondents will celebrate the day with a partner.

Of the men and women living in Sydney only 78.0% and 79.0% of respondents respectively will enjoy Valentines Day with a partner, compared to 87.5% of Perth men and 93.2% of Adelaide women.

However, according to the chief of experiences at RedBalloon Days, Naomi Simson, most Australians are both realistic and romantic about Valentines Day.

"Adelaide people are the most likely of all Australians (92.5% vs the national average of 88.5%) to view Valentines Day as too commercial," said Simson, "yet 95.8% of all respondents have bought a Valentines Day gift at least once in their lives".

"Men are the big spenders, with 50.8% spending $150 or more, compared to just 34.5% of women," said Simson. "Of those who have spent $200 or more, 35.1% are men, and 20.3% are women."

The biggest spenders are Perth men and Sydney women (41.7% and 23.3% respectively) who have spent $200 or more on Valentines Day gifts, while the nation’s stingiest romantics are women living in Perth (19.1%) and Adelaide men (19.0%) who have spent less than $50 on gifts.

"Surprisingly few people (12.8% of women, 7.1% of men nationwide) said they would be embarrassed if they didn’t receive anything on the day," said Simson. Those who say otherwise are Brisbane women (14.5%) and men living in Melbourne (10.4%).

Of all Australians, female Brisbanites are the most likely to agree that Valentines Day creates a lot of expectations when you’ve just started dating (82.1% vs national average of 77.9%), it is a good test to see if you’re taken for granted by your partner (32.4% vs 27.6%), it’s embarrassing not receiving something at work on the day (14.5% vs 11.6%), and Valentines Day, their birthday and Christmas are the only times their partner does acknowledge them (27.4% vs 11.2%).

The most sensitive souls seem to belong to Melbourne women, and Perth men, who were the most likely to agree that Valentines Day is distressing for those without a partner (66.5% and 54.0% vs national average of 63.3% for women, and 47.6% for men respectively).

Sydney men were the most likely of all male respondents to want to celebrate Valentines Day by taking their partner on a dinner for two or a picnic (32.2%), Perth men planned to take them on a weekend away (62.5%) while Brisbane men wanted to celebrate with something out of the ordinary (35.0%).

Adelaide women and Brisbane men ((48.2% and 50.0% vs national male and female average of 38.9% and 43.7% respectively) are the most likely of all to plan the gift and Valentines Day itself for weeks beforehand.

According to Simson, tastes in Valentines Day gifts have changed. "The survey found that only one in five men and one in 13 women want to give flowers, chocolates, fragrance or lingerie as gifts on the day, and the majority want to enjoy a weekend away or a dinner for two with their partner," said Simson.

While a weekend away and a dinner for two are far and away the favourite Valentines Day gift options across Australia (57.3% and 30.4% respectively), some of the gifts appealed much more to residents of different cities. The top answer for each gift category was as follows:

a weekend away Brisbane men (55.0%); Melbourne women (64.0%)
a dinner for two Sydney men (39.2%); Adelaide women (32.2%)
flowers Melbourne men (16.9%); Sydney women (2.7%)
chocolates Adelaide men (9.5%); Adelaide women (5.4%)
lingerie/underwear Perth men (8.3%); Adelaide women (1.7%)
fragrance Sydney men (1.7%); Brisbane women (3.4%)

2008-08-07T09:25:00.000-07:00

Chlamydia and When Sex is Not OK

Sexual Assault

The majority of young people in Australia feel positive about sex and get involved sexually at a time that's more or less right for them. Sadly, this isn't always the case. Sexual assault is "any unwanted sexual behaviour that makes a person feel fearful, uncomfortable or threatened. It includes any sexual activity that a person has not freely agreed to. All forms of sexual assault are criminal and the responsibility lies solely with the offender." Australian statistics show that the majority of victims of sexual assault are girls and young women. For both girls and boys, and young women and young men, the greatest number of victims of sexual assault are children, teenagers and young people under 25. Women who are sexually assaulted nearly always know the person who did it.

The influence of drugs or alcohol

There can be other times when sex is not OK either. Research shows that one quarter of Australian high school students who have had sex report that they were drunk or intoxicated the last time they did it. This meant the sex was unprotected, or that they didn't really want to have sex but were too 'out of it' to know.

When a relationship is not equal

Another, different situation, is when a young person has sex in exchange for money or some other reward. For some people this might be OK, but for others, it can obviously lead to abuse and exploitation. It is also illegal in most states and territories in Australia for someone in a position of authority over a young person to have sex with them if they are under 18 years. Teachers and sports coaches are examples of this.
For someone who has been sexually assaulted, or who has had sex under circumstances which they don't feel completely OK about, it can make it much more difficult to even think about sexually transmitted infections like Chlamydia, let alone go to a doctor to ask for a test. That's why it can be useful to involve a 'support team' that might include a trusted adult, counsellor, sexual assault professional and a doctor.

2008-08-07T09:05:00.000-07:00

Some Girls Do: My Life as a Teenager

For every woman who has been a teenager or is one now, a funny, quirky and revealing collection of stories by well-known Australian women writers about their teen years.

You've read their bestselling novels and memoirs. Now some of Australia's favourite female writers recount the true stories of their teenage years in this bumper collection . . .

Remember your high school formal, your first love, first kiss, first bra, and the first time you realised your parents weren't always right? Relive the joys (and the horror) of your adolescence with Some Girls Do . . ., as fifty-six inspiring and accomplished writers reveal how they survived those challenging years.

Whether they're writing about adolescent angst, first crushes, and being a rock groupie, or battles with anorexia, sexual abuse, or family after deciding to become a nun, these women prove that while the teenage years are not necessarily the best, you can survive to tell the tale. The result is a wonderfully funny, moving collection of memories, of different times and different lives, told with honesty, insight, sensitivity and humour. No two experiences are the same, because while some girls don't have a care in the world, real or imagined, some girls do . . .

Includes stories from 50 contributors including Nikki Gemmell, Belinda Alexandra, Gabrielle Lord, Jessica Adams, Jessica Rowe, Kathy Lette, Kate Holden and Rachel Oakes-Ash.

All royalties will go to the SISTER2Sister Project, a mentor program for disadvantaged teenage girls and part of Life Changing Experiences. Allen & Unwin will also donate $1 from the sale of this book to SISTER2sister.

About the Author:
Jacinta Tynan is the author of Good Man Hunting, which was published in 2005. A news presenter with Sky News Australia, she previously worked as a national news presenter and reporter for ABC TV. Jacinta is also a keen actor, and her performances include The Vagina Monologues at Sydney's Ensemble Theatre. As the grand-niece of Nino Culotta (John O'Grady), author of They're a Weird Mob, writing is in her blood.

2008-08-07T08:43:00.000-07:00

The Strong Woman's Desire for a Strong Man

What sabotages the love lives of today's independent women?

In an unconventional new book, German psychotherapist Maja Storch examines the ways that women (particularly those who we regard as successful, liberated and high-achieving) unwittingly undermine their intimate relationships. Dr Storch's work with women has enabled her to identify the unconscious reasons behind this process.

Many women have rejected the stereotypical female roles of their parents' era but now feel uncomfortable with their continuing desire for a loving partner. Instead of embracing this side of themselves and looking for a man to fulfill that desire, many women continue to fall for those men who are emotionally unavailable and who ultimately treat them badly.

Maja suggests that it is this rejection of their perceived weakness, which gets in the way of many women finding a safe and fulfilling relationship. She helps women unlock the fears that lie behind self-perpetuating patterns and achieve the necessary balance of independence, vulnerability, desire and strength that will enable them to succeed in a relationship.

In her bestselling book - The Strong Woman's Desire for a Strong Man, which has been translated into 10 languages - Maja Storch examines the ways in which successful, independent women (who she classes as 'strong') unwittingly manage to repeatedly undermine their intimate relationships, and their unconscious reasons for doing so.

She writes: 'When I say 'strong woman' I'm not talking about a kind of sexless, uptight, man-hating monster, or an academic who wears severe grey 'power suits' and lives alone with her two pampered cats. The type of woman I have in mind is independent, with a vibrant, energetic personality and an active sex life. She has learnt to rely on her own strength and is not waiting for a man to come along and save her.

'Strong women are capable of great love, and share a longing for a loving man. But their desire has caused them great pain, as their encounters in love have been unsuccessful in the past, and they begin to wonder if this capability for love is a strength or a weakness. Do you love films where the independent woman falls for the broad-shouldered hero? Do you yearn for a man to come along who won't be put off by your confident manner, who will treat you like a woman and protect and guide you through life? And do you secretly hate yourself at the same time for even having these feelings? If so, you're not alone. Welcome to the club!'

Topics discussed in the book:

Why we behave as we do in relationships: Maja Storch discusses how we are influenced by our understanding of traditional masculine and feminine roles and our childhood experiences, and how this can impact on our relationships.

The impact of the unconscious on our lives: Storch uses the Jungian idea of the unconscious or 'the shadow', to explain why strong women who may be independent and dominant in their everyday lives, may also have a more hopeful side in their unconscious that still longs for a close loving relationship with a man, but which they keep hidden.

How the battle of the sexes influences strong women in relationships: Storch explains that women have won significant territory from men through the women's movement - and there is no way they want to give it back. Women are no longer limited to the options of wife and mother. They have seen too many of these 'good women' lead productive but miserable lives, as they care for their husbands and families, but miss out on pursuing their full potential. They have also seen these 'good' women, perhaps their grandmothers and mothers, cast aside for younger women, and have now come to the conclusion that womanly virtues are not worth much.

Have women lost their femininity? Storch argues that by striving to forge their place in the world - a predominantly male world - women have taken on some of the traditional masculine character traits. And in the process they have pushed aside some of their true feminine qualities, including the desire for a loving relationship.

Why don't strong women fall in love with nice, uncomplicated men? Many strong women are afraid to drop their guard and allow themselves to pursue that loving relationship for fear of losing the independence and power they have worked so hard to establish. So they continue to fall in love with those men who will never give them the commitment, love and respect they want.

How to break the cycle: By coming to understand that her desire for a loving committed relationship doesn't have to mean sacrificing her independence, strength and power, the strong woman can learn to embrace and accept herself and her desires fully, opening the way for a more satisfying relationship without the heartache.

2008-08-07T08:39:00.000-07:00

Family Separation A Guide for Teens - Top ten things for teens to remember

The Australian Government has produced a booklet 'Family Separation A Guide for Teens' with the Child Support Agency to help Australian teens experiencing family separation.

Separation can take place over months or years. During this time children experience many emotions and changes to their lifestyle. It can be confusing and a difficult process fir everyone to adjust to. This compounded with teenage pressures of the social & physical nature can intensify your reactions to your adjusting lifestyle. 'Family Separation A Guide for Teens' aims to give teens some tips and help to understand and cope with what's going on around them.

The Child Support Agency (CSA) helps ensure children can rely on their parents for the financial and emotional support necessary for their well-being. They have more than 4000 staff across the country supporting around 1.5 million parents to transfer payments for the benefit of 1.2 million children. For more information about the CSA call 131 272 or visit: www.csa.gov.au

Top ten things for teens to remember

1. You’re not alone. Around 11,000 teenagers are affected by family separation in Australia each year.

2. It’s not your fault. Nothing you said or did made your parents decide to separate.

3. It’s not your job to make things better for your parents. They are responsible for you, not the other way around.

4. Your parents are separating from each other, not you. Your father will always be your father and your mother will always be your mother.

5. You have the right to feel safe. If you don’t feel safe, talk to someone you trust. If you’re experiencing violence call the police.

6. You can still have a relationship with both your parents even if you don’t live with one of them any more. You can visit them or stay in contact with them by phone, email or letter.

7. You have the right to express your views and have them heard.

8. Relationships break down for a number of reasons. Don’t take sides or judge who is right or wrong, your parents’ relationship is between them.

9. It is a good idea to get two of the things you need every day, like a toothbrush, hairbrush or clothes so you don’t have to carry as much stuff when you travel between your parent’s houses.

10. It is okay to get help if you need it. Talk to someone you trust.

2008-08-07T08:03:00.000-07:00

Could you share your guy?

by Lucy Stewart

Could you share your guy?

Struggle to share the space in a communal change room? How would you go sharing your man? I recently took the plunge and committed to a years contract with Foxtel. Oohh Foxtel, a sweet luxury that I have already come to love during its short stay. With just under 100 channels at my disposal, I can watch anything from Sex and the City and Family Guy, to the 2000 AFL Grand Final. Now, I know what you're thinking. Why on earth would she want to watch some stupid Grand Final? And the truth is, I don't, but all I'm saying is that if I wanted too, I totally could.

One particular series has taken my interest, Girls of the Playboy Mansion. The show follows the lives of Hugh Heffner's three girlfriends; Holly Madison, Kendra Wilkinson and Bridgette Marquardt. Viewers are taken behind the gates of the world's most famous English Tudor and are given just a glimpse into the lives of girls that live, play and party with the man himself. We are invited to watch extravagant parties, lavish photo shoots and lazy summer days around the pool. Though this may not be everyone's cup of tea, it's right down my alley, as for some unknown reason I just can't get enough of trashy reality television.

Throughout the show I watch in disbelief as the girls are intimate with the 81yrs old Playboy mogul. However there is one thing I find even more astonishing than this. Every episode I attempt to grasp the idea of sharing your man. Not since the evolution of Crocs have I struggled with such a concept. Learning to share

Now I won't lie. I do have a reputation for being the jealous type. At home, my sister and I like to participate in the occasional 'call 0ff', in which we place our puppy in the middle of the room and each furiously call her. Whoever the dog runs to is supposedly the one she likes better. 'Call off's' do occasionally end in me sulking off and ignoring the dog, and my sister, for the day. Plus, I'm not really one to share. If I've just bought one of the latest magazines I won't share it with anyone until I've read every page. I like my magazines as virgins, thank you very much. However, as jealous and as selfish as I am, I'm sure most girls would agree that they don't want to share their partner with anyone. It is for this very reason that I simply can't comprehend how Holly, Kendra and Bridgette do it.

It appears that these girls are not alone in the structure of their personal relationships. In the modern world there are little restrictions on the types of relationships people can have. In 2001 same sex marriages were first legalized in the Netherlands, with six other jurisdictions quickly following suit. Earlier this year Ontario's highest court gave legal parental status to the lesbian partner of a biological mother, essentially giving a young boy three legal parents. It seems that the traditional idea of an intimate relationship has completely gone out the window. Whilst the girls of the playboy mansion simply date the same man, some people take this a step further.

Polygamy refers to the practice or condition of having more than one spouse at one time, and it is not restricted to the lives of the famous. In 2006, HBO television series "Big Love" was released. "Big Love" follows the life of modern polygamist Bill Henrickson (Bill Paxton) and watches him tackle issues within his three-house suburban home, as well as outside of it. The series revolves around Bill, his three wives; Barb (Jeanne Tripplehorn), Nicki (Chloe Sevigny) and Margene (Gennifer Goodwin), and the family's seven children. It attempts to offer the viewer an unbiased portrayal of polygamy in America. The show has set off nation wide debate across America, as to whether or not polygamy should be legalized. The season finale of "Big Love" averaged 4.5 million viewers, so it is clear that many have a strong interest in the idea of 'man-sharing', or can simply relate to the show. The polygamy trend appears to be catching on around the world. In Chechnya, the Deputy Prime Minister believes that legalizing polygamy is essential for the country. Chechnya has been devastated by war, and as a result the female population greatly outweighs the male population. Women are being forced to share guys in what appears a man drought.

Real life man-sharing

Could the belief that it is impossible to find a man, let alone a good one, really be the driving force of 'man-sharing'? Earlier this year Kate, 20yrs, met a man that she instantly fell for. "I met him at a club when I was out with some of the girls. He was gorgeous, smart and true gentlemen." After various failed relationships Kate thought she'd hit the jackpot. The only problem was that her sexy bachelor Brian, had eyes for not just Kate, but another woman he'd met a month earlier. Brian was desperate to learn more about Kate, even though he was seeing another girl. "He told me straight up that he'd recently been on dates with Claire, to be honest I didn't think much of it. It wasn't like he had a girlfriend or anything, and I'd been in so many crappy relationships that I thought it was worth a shot." For the next month Kate and Brian had various dinner dates and he was even lucky enough to meet the parents. "I hadn't told mum and dad that he was seeing another girl, but it's not like he was my boyfriend, so to be honest I didn't think it mattered." Just over a month later Claire moved interstate and was then completely out of the picture. However, Kate and Brian's relationship remained unchanged. "I'll admit that initially I had thoughts about us making our relationship official but then I questioned the effect this would have on my life." Kate practically works full time and attends university so she felt that there was little point in becoming a full time girlfriend. "I came to the realization that my relationship with Brian was working perfectly just the way it was. At that point in my life I couldn't handle a boyfriend, but a friend with benefits suited me just fine"

Though Kate's story is not as extreme as the polygamists living in Utah, or the girls at the playboy mansion, her relationship with Brian is still not what you would call traditional. It appears that 'man-sharing' is all around us. Is the idea of a traditional relationship becoming a thing of the past?

The Reality of it All

Sex therapist, and author of Riding the Sexual Frontier, Jo-Anne Baker, does not agree that traditional relationships are becoming a thing of the past. She does however believe that nowadays people have less commitment to working relationship issues out. "They simply aren't equipped with the tools to keep developing intimacy." Could this be the reason couples are choosing to add more people to the equation? Jo-Anne believes that even if a couple believes in monogamy, it's still something that they need to work at. Relationships involving late teens and early 20 something's require particular effort, as this is the most common age for sexual experimentation. In the case of a relationship involving more than two people Jo-Anne does not believe that this is sustainable. "In my experience, couples find it hard enough with one partner, let alone two." She believes that adding more people into a relationship will cause a breakdown in the main relationship, and various trust issues will develop from this. Not so in the case of the playboy girls. Hefner's number one girlfriend, Holly Madison claims; "I don't get jealous of other girls, because I was... raised in a cloning lab to be the perfect woman for Hugh M. Hefner." You're not fooling anyone sweetheart.

It appears that though 'man-sharing' is becoming more and more acceptable, it's not all its cracked up to be. Whilst many young couples are experimenting with different types of relationships, the stability of such is questionable. Still, there could be much worse than having to share Hugh Hefner. Imagine having to live the life of any one of the guests on Fox 8's Jerry Springer show. I don't care how attractive she finds him; it's her brother for God's sake!

'Man-sharing' all around us:

For years Simone Warne has shared her husband Shane, though for most of it she was blissfully unaware. Following her discovery of betrayal Simone and Shane continued to live together whilst they both saw other people.

American pornographic actress Nina Hartley was in a relationship with her husband Dave and 'wife' Bobby Lilly for 20 years. The relationship fell apart with Hartley saying "I was too immature and he was too possessive. It didn't work... It ended up ending because it was the wrong three people involved."

On the American hit Grey's Anatomy, key characters Meredith Grey and Addison Montgomery are forced to share McDreamy, aka, Derek Shepherd. The tables turn when McDreamy is forced to share Meredith.

2008-08-07T02:35:00.000-07:00

Inside the Mind of a Sex Addict – More than the Naked Eye Sees
If you ever wanted to explore inside the mind of a sex addict, then just keep reading. I was a prime candidate for pornography addiction -- 29 years old, single, and I was horny as heck! New to town and not knowing any girls with whom I could talk made it easy to see them only as sex objects, so I focused only on their physical attributes.

Have you ever heard of the song, I’m A Girl Watcher? It became my theme song in my new hometown. Initially, I obsessed about women’s physical attributes with their clothes on, but this led to the natural progression of wanting to see them without clothes. More than a few counselors in my city, of which I was one, had a womanizing reputation. Being sexually active was almost expected and condoned. Daily, my boss retold his youthful sexual exploits -- now too old to continue. “Boy you ought to be humping (having sex) every night,” his chauffeur once said. Such surroundings would make it easy to blame others for my fall into pornography, but I take full responsibility. No one held a gun to my head.

Flipping TV channels at my boss’ home late one night, my eyes hit the Playboy channel and I was hooked! I couldn’t see enough nudity and sex. My conscience was saying “No,” but I wouldn’t listen. Having counsel from mature moral men would have been nice. But no excuses -- I’m totally responsible for my wrong choices and their consequences, some lifelong. How did a boy raised in church get here -- becoming a porn addict?

Inside the Mind of a Sex Addict—Living A Double Life
The reasoning inside the mind of a sex addict usually suggests going underground with your new lifestyle, becoming a secret agent because people won’t understand. They’ll reject you. You know the middle and high school drill -- one way with parents/teachers and another with peers. Getting high from the chemicals the brain releases makes pornography extremely addictive. Pornography enslaved me to this chemical release in my own brain -- doing whatever it took to get high. My brain became my own drug supplier, eliminating any middle man. No one warned me that this addiction would escalate. Watching pornography not only affected my mind, but my body.

Masturbation is the next step in pornography. Pornography triggers a physical response -- an erection. Erections demand a release or a cold shower. I wasn’t about to take a cold shower! Masturbating unleashed a new source of pleasure. My addiction had now tripled: my lusting eyes, the euphoric feeling from the brain chemicals, and the pleasure of masturbating. Avoiding peak hours at the video store was critical in not being seen with pornographic videos. Every free moment, my mind was focusing on pornography. You may be thinking similar thoughts, “So what if girls rejected me or someone mistreated me, relief is only a DVD or a website away.”

Inside the Mind of a Sex Addict—Regaining Control of Me
Often a constant battle rages inside the mind of a sex addict. Initially, all the secrecy and illicit pleasure was fun. But the more pornography I consumed, the more it consumed me. Stimulation required more perverse pornography. I wasn’t in control -- the pornography was! Addicted while single, I carried it into my marriage. This resulted in deceiving my wife, the one with whom I’m to be closest. Hiding my addiction from my wife got old quick. I must be crazy for risking my marriage for fantasy!

Pornography promotes selfishness. Seldom did I think of bringing sexual pleasure to my wife. I thought only about getting, not giving. Pornography made it difficult if not impossible to develop intimacy with my wife. When we had conflict, pornography made it so easy to cop out and not work through the conflict. (I’ve since learned that working through conflict, not avoiding it, is the key to marital intimacy.)

Finally, I saw that pornography was destroying my marriage and me. I needed help. God provided it through an unusual revival that broke out on Christian college campuses across the country. Without music and any form of manipulation, students gathered, one by one confessing their sins. My executive director thought it would be beneficial for our office to do this. So, in front of men and women and with God’s help, I publicly confessed my sin of pornography. Immediately, what felt like a physical weight was lifted off of me. I was free! Instead of receiving criticism, men put their hands on my shoulders and prayed for me! Then, I went home and confessed to my wife. She immediately forgave me. She has never mentioned it since then. In fact, she has given me permission to publicly share my story to help free others. Not every wife is ready for us to unload our guilt on them. Become a student of your wife -- be sure she’s ready and willing to hear this from you. You may first need to spend months building trust and intimacy with her.

Freedom is seldom appreciated until it is gone. Being free from pornography is incredible! It has resulted in a new closeness with my wife, less stress from living a double life, peace, self-worth, and no deception from momentary pleasure. I now have self-imposed boundaries and I also have an accountability partner. I’ve replaced pornography with life-giving priorities: family time, helping others, writing, and speaking.

2008-08-03T13:39:00.000-07:00

Unlike your girly privates, which are internal, boy privates are external. God knew that nobody wanted to see all our lady mess, so He pushed everything up inside you. What in tarnation He was thinking when he came up with that nasty, dangling, squishy flesh on boys beats the heck out of me, but I suspect it was so it would be easier for Him to keep an eye on what they're up to. Because trust me: that grotesque grab bag of horror and disappointment is always up to something, gals.
Boy privates are often said to resemble hot dogs, although if you ask me, the ones I've seen always called to mind something like those cute little Austrian cocktail weenies they sell 8 to a can. But I think famed author Lynne Cheney described the male unmentionable best when she recalled recoiling at "an old Frankenstein's monster bratwurst that looked like it had rolled under the couch for a month and got covered in dust bunnies and would make you spit up if you even so much as halfheartedly nibbled the tip of it."
Though erotically sensitive just like girl nipples, boy nipples are NOT privates – yet. But my husband and I are working hard to instill a sense of sexualized body shame so acute, that one day soon boys will learn that their nipples are dirty little things that will get them – just like you! – arrested when they strut around topless at Myrtle Beach. America is not some big, old licentious San Tropez and it's time all of you out there realized it!
The stuff that comes out of boys every time they use you has as many calories as seven whole pints of Häagen-Dazs. That's why all the girls who do "it" always get so fat and ugly and have that ulcerated skin that screams to everyone in church, "I am an insatiable slut!"
While almost all American boys have human-looking privates, most foreign boys have privates like German Shepherds or half-open tubes of Max Factor lipstick.
Because boys use the business end of their privates as a pipe for going number one, touching it is pretty much the same as taking a bath in a Mexican's toilet.
If you play your cards right, the revolting little wrinkled purse part of boy privates is something a Christian lady can go throughout her entire life without ever seeing. But knowing where it is can come in mighty handy when called upon to give a "not until marriage" warning kick.
When a boy's disgusting private goes inside of a girl's shameful unmentionable, there is a serious risk of it breaking off and causing excruciating pain while it travels throughout your body like a giant trichinosis worm.
Up until the moment in your wedding when he says "I do," a boy's privates sport a treacherous spine of jagged scales, which may or may not secrete acid and weapons-grade anthrax – for which, apparently, only Ann Coulter has developed the antibodies.
God designed a boy's privates as part sword, part battering-ram, to joyously stab and hammer you with on the magical night you begin your life-long tethering to the man who'll liberate you from the drudgery of ever having to make your own decisions – except when to have a headache or give an "I don't like this" bite.

2008-08-01T05:01:00.000-07:00

Your number of lovers is never too much

by Saskia Vogel

3, 60, 24, 17, 624, I don't remember. Is there an answer to "How many men have you slept with?" that ever actually feels like the right number? And how do you count in the first place?

HOW TO COUNT

First off, how do you define sex? Well, if you're straight, probably by penetrative intercourse. If you're bi, then you are more likely to include any oral/manual encounter. If you're into BDSM, you might count the partners you've "played" with. Frankly, I think sex is 2 hot bodies going at it passionately (in whatever form you choose), so I'd say the rule of thumb for Total Number of Erotic Encounters should be all inclusive. (For example, sexually active lesbians who have never had sex with men are not virgins. Their number is not zero.) And there's the problem. Once you start counting your lovers, you may come up with a number that makes you feel...well...slutty or under-experienced. You may start "making expectations" like these: I don't remember his name; It was only the one time; I only count men I loved; It was just oral; It was before I became celibate.

WHAT DO THE NUMBERS MEAN

In numerology, I love my number: nine. Like my star sign (Virgo), I think it says a lot about me, but my number of sexual partners, depending on the company, makes me feel somewhere between slutty (I've never told my boyfriend how many, and I've never asked him) and chaste (I adore my outspoken friends). I couldn't tell you my number off hand anymore, and I'm sure you, dear reader would find it somewhere between slutty and chaste, too. It's popular question (remember that scene behind the cash register in Clerks where Dante freaks out about his ex's number of partners...including oral-only sex?), but does it really matter? A number has no bearing on a person's ability to have any kind of relationship they desire. It holds no moral weight. It only says nothing about your values.

I say we stop counting. When we stop counting, we give ourselves permission to explore our desires free from social stigma, love as we please and discover sex as an organic erotic force to be enjoyed as we enjoy the other earthly pleasures. And really, who cares? (And if he cares, is he worth it?)

Frankly, unless I'm feeling like channeling Sesame Street's The Count, I couldn't tell you my number off hand.

2008-08-01T02:27:00.000-07:00

Nine Things to Know About Male Sexuality

by By Cory Silverberg

There's a myth that male sexuality is simple. The reality is that (in public at least) men talk and write less about sexuality than anyone, and the result is that there is a great deal of ignorance about male sexuality. Here is a crash course on key aspects of male sexuality that everyone should know about.

Penis size isn’t a simple measurement.

Most men worry about the size of their penis at some point their lives. Sadly, they usually do this with little understanding of what the average penis size is. While some women report that penis size does matter, most people agree that penis size isn’t nearly as important as things like overall sexual interest, sexual technique, and sexual compatibility. All things that have much more to do with the organ between ones ears than the one between ones legs.

Men don’t always want to have sex.

The stereotype of male sexuality is that men always want sex. This stereotype is so ingrained in men that many act it out, engaging in sex when they don’t really feel like it just because it is expected of them. The fact is that there are many times when men don’t feel like having sex, and this doesn’t always indicate a “problem”. Low libido may be caused by physical or psychological factors, but it can also be a reasonable reaction to life’s stressors.

Men can have multiple orgasms.

Because most men learn to stimulate themselves to orgasm with ease, they tend to think they’ve learned it all by the time their 19. In reality, most men only experience a small percentage of their orgasmic potential. One example are male multiple orgasms. Just like many (but not all) women, many men can learn to become multi-orgasmic. Learn more about male multiple orgasms.

Men can control ejaculation (most of the time).

While most men experience problems with ejaculation at some point in their lives, many don’t know that the timing of ejaculation can be controlled, most of the time, with relatively simple exercises. There are many myths about premature ejaculation and these can be difficult to overcome. But getting a better understanding of male sexual response, and learning to control ejaculation, can also lead to a greater experience of sexual pleasure.

Men can (and do) use sex toys.

There is a myth that sex toys (vibrators in particular) are for women, and that they are like a stand-in for men. The fact is that sex toys don’t replace people, they do things none of us can, and the pleasure they facilitate can be for men as much as women. Sex toys can provide incredibly intense stimulation, unlike anything a man has experienced, and using sex toys with a partner can open up all sorts of new possibilities. Learn more about sex toys.

Men do have a “special button”

While not all men like having it pressed, it’s true that the prostate gland can be a source of intense sexual pleasure for men. Often referred to as the “male g spot” or the “p-spot” (a term that seems seriously unsexy to me), prostate stimulation, done either externally by massaging the perineum, or internally through penetration, can open up a new world to men who believe there’s only one way for them to experience sexual pleasure.

Anal pleasure is for all men.

Many heterosexual men still think that if they like or want anal play it “means they are gay.” This is a false idea based on homophobic beliefs. Anal play won’t make you gay but it may make you very excited. In addition to prostate stimulation, many heterosexual couples are exploring the physical and psychological pleasure of reversing traditional sexual and gender roles. However they do it, once they discover the pleasure of anal play most men never look back. Learn more about anal play.

Masturbation is good for men.

Parents often give boys mixed messages about masturbation. They may say “it’s dirty” bit they also say “boys will be boys”. As a result almost all men masturbate throughout their lives, but often do so with feelings of ambivalence. And they rarely talk about their masturbation. Many of the secrets to a man’s desires can be found in the way he masturbates, and men who are good at pleasuring themselves can teach their partners what turns them on while exploring new ways to masturbate.

Male sexuality isn’t simple

This is the single most harmful myth about male sexuality. Because men’s genitalia are external, because they can usually get themselves off easily, because in the west we’re told that men have it “better” than women (as if there were only two genders on the planet) it is assumed that there is nothing new to know about male sexuality. As a result, one could argue that men are among the least sexually evolved and have to work extra hard to discover their own sexual potential. But it’s there!

2008-08-01T01:55:00.000-07:00

Games that lovers play

BY Margeaux Baulch

There comes a time in every couple’s relationship when the sex becomes routine.

Watching your partner take out the trash and lounge around in his sweats on the weekends may be a fact of life, but is hardly the fuel needed to keep your engine purring. So, if your sex life could use some friendly maintenance, try tuning it up at home with either (or both!) of the following adult-themed games.

Twist Her

If you thought that traditional Twister had all of the makings of an orgy, try Twist Her. Like the original, you still become jumbled up, but the twist is where. Instead of a big plastic sheet, Twist Her comes with a set of colorful, hand decal stickers that you decide where to place on your body. The directions are simple; rolling a pair of dice determines which sticker you touch as well as with what body part. Red toe on your lips? Green lips on his thigh? It’s easy to get twisted with pleasure with this game, especially if you’re skimpily clad.
$10.39, available at drugstore.com

A Hot Affair

If variety is the spice of life, A Hot Affair is the paprika of sensual desire. Modeled after traditional board games, AHA comes with dice, playing pieces, and over 200 cards instructing you to either divulge your most intimate secrets or do wild, naughty things to your partner. Never had a reason to take off your underwear and shove it in your lover’s mouth? Now you do! Each player takes turn rolling the dice and landing on various squares that instruct you to drink, “nibble seductively” on snacks, or take a card. With each round, the questions and activities become increasingly more provocative, leading up to the final fantasy. The winner gets to select his or her favorite choice from the two cards he’s swapped out throughout the game. Teacher and saucy student? Honey drizzler and drizzlee? Costumes are not included, but they might be fun.

2008-08-01T00:25:00.000-07:00

The worst places for public sex

BY Brian Josepher

A story the other day caught my eye. A young couple was caught copulating in a New Jersey Ikea. According to the male member of the couple, Ikea has become the “sexspot,” or the hotspot for public acts of sex amongst his generation.

Ikea apparently is the new Walmart.

To me, Ikea, or Walmart, just sounds uncomfortable. That started me thinking. What are the worst places for public sex? This is one columnist’s opinion.

WELL, WALMART

The smell of moth larva wafting over the exhaust system. The aisles of junk piled upon junk. The ubiquitous yellow smiley faces. The discount rates advertising the strangest pricing. Who can make love next to $21.39 or $17.61? Walmart as a sexspot is uninviting for the very reason that consumers shop Walmart in the first place, the prices. Ironic.

SEX ON AN AIRPLANE

People talk about the Mile High Club as the best sex they've ever had. Supposedly the atmospheric pressure increases the intensity of the orgasm. Personally, I don't get it. Cramped quarters, unclean environment, disturbed by that knock on the door and a stewardess threatening to "land this plane if you don't come right out." Better to tamper with the smoke alarm and light up a cigarette. Oh, and then the walk of shame that follows. You and your partner leave the lavatory together. All eyes are upon you, or appear to be. The act of sex should not be flaunted. The Mile High Club is a club for flaunters.

SEX IN AN AUTOMOBILE

I lost my virginity in a station wagon. What do I remember? The January cold of Colorado. Shivering overriding any amount of passion or curiosity. Wanting to get it over with and go get warm. Sex to me wasn’t nearly as inviting as a roaring fire.

At least in a station wagon there was plenty of space. For a time later in my life I was a proponent of Saab sex. I don't want to say that alcohol was involved, because that would mean drinking and driving, but, well, nobody sober selects Saab sex. There's simply no room to maneuver. That stick shift can be quite an obstacle.

I'm not a fan of Hummers. How a war machine became the new beetle, I have no idea. Maybe it has to do with the sexual adventure. Hummers are a mini motel room. And they can take you anywhere, to the top of Everest included. Now there's a Mile High Club of a different sort.

AND THE ALL-TIME WORST PLACE

Friends of mine used to enjoy sex in a bar well. Don't ask me why. Her tush on ice. Knees banging into bottles of vodka, gin and vermouth. Everything a little sticky.

Personally, I think they liked to watch themselves and the wall length mirror gave them that opportunity. I also know that she was a big fan of pickled onions. She didn't have far to reach.

2008-07-31T04:39:00.000-07:00

13 differences between women and men

1. Names:
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. Eating out:
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. Money:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. Bathrooms:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. Arguments:
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. Cats:
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. Future:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. Success:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. Marriage:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, to water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. Natural:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. Final thought:
Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing

2008-07-31T02:07:00.000-07:00

How safe is oral sex?

by Ashtyn Evans

Somewhere along the line, oral sex supposedly became "the sex that won’t cause HIV." Unfortunately, that isn't true. It may not be as common as with other forms of sexual activity, but oral sex can indeed cause HIV.

The idea is that the mouth is the "strongest" orifice, and unless semen comes into contact with a cut or open sore, then the chance for HIV would be very unlikely.

Fact: You can get HIV from oral sex.
True, this is not going to be as frequent as someone who engages in injectable drug use, anal or vaginal sex -- but it is. Additionally (and perhaps frighteningly) you can contract HIV through oral sex even where ejaculation does not occur.

Fact: When it comes to cunnilingus, the chances of getting HIV are lower.
In fact, there are only an extremely small amount of documented cases that are believed to have been a result of cunnilingus.

Fact: Not that this is for everyone, but HIV transmission from anilingus (mouth to anal region) is also not common.
Thus far, there have only been a small number of cases (fewer than five) that have listed anilingus as the cause for HIV.

It is hard to put a specific number on the amount of people that have received HIV from oral sex practices. However, as it happens, you should do what you can to protect yourself. Latex condoms (sheepskin condoms are not effective against HIV) and dental dams may seem like mood killers -- but they also have the ability to make sure that you stay healthy and can save your life.

No sexual act is worth your life, no matter how good you think it feels.

2008-07-31T01:37:00.001-07:00

The workplace hookup: A Q&A with Helaine Olen

BY Margeaux Baulch

With Americans now averaging over 50 hours a week at the office, it’s not surprising that more and more people are hooking up at work. After meeting their own husbands while on the clock, writers Helaine Olen and Stephanie Losee co-authored the book Office Mate: The Employee Handbook for Finding and Managing Romance on the Job. SheKnows recently sat down with Olen to discuss the ins and outs of workplace amour.

Helaine Olen: Office dating replicates the old-fashioned courting rituals of 100 years ago. You get to know someone slowly over a period of time and it allows you to notice the subtle traits that indicate whether that person would make a good partner or not. Meeting someone at a bar, you are forced to rely on first impressions that aren’t always correct. You might reject someone because you don’t like their t-shirt.

Q: In the book, you refer to online dating as the romance equivalent of the Wild West. What did you mean by that?

A: People aren’t always honest online. At work, you can see what other people think of him and probably human resources did some screening as well. Also, if you are sifting through 200 profiles online, you are dealing with a lot of information up front. Just because you like jazz music and he likes rap doesn’t mean you’re incompatible.

Q: Is it okay to date someone above or below you on the corporate food chain?

A: If you are dating your direct boss or subordinate, then I always say that it better be true love. You should be able to see the mortgage, the kids, the station wagon, everything, in the future. Most companies don’t have rules about office dating anymore -- they’d just prefer to stay out of it -- but the ones that do tend to focus on this type of relationship because it is the most dicey and issue-ridden. However, Bill Gates dated several people in the office, including his now wife, so it can work out, you just have to be careful.

Q: What should a woman do if she is the recipient of unwanted attention?

A: Say ‘no’ firmly -- and if it continues, go to human resources. People often mix-up sexual harassment with office dating, but they’re two separate things. Sexual harassment is generally about putting a woman in her place, not trying to date her.

Q: Is it better to keep things discreet or go public with your romance?

A: Just because you think you’re keeping it secret doesn’t mean that it is. If it’s just a one-night stand, then there’s a good chance no one will find out. But if you’re dating someone seriously, eventually your co-workers will catch on. So it’s best to subtly let people know by turning up at an office function together or casually slipping it into a conversation.

Q: What about all of the tales of office romances turned sour?

A: Most horror stories are usually the result of someone not handling a break-up well. If you are going to walk around the office whining and moping after a break-up, there’s a good chance you will get fired. So the key is to stay professional. Act courteously, don’t dish to co-workers or send personal emails, no lingering at his desk. You have to behave like he’s any other co-worker. Another idea we discuss in the book is having a break-up prenup. This means sitting down at the beginning of the relationship and discussing how you will handle a break-up theoretically. People put in clauses like ‘No badmouthing the other person,’ or ‘We won’t confront each other in the elevator or send a hundred emails’ -- things like that.

Q: Any final thoughts?

A: There is a much greater integration of the personal and work lives among the Facebook generation, and I’ve come across a lot of 20-somethings who think it’s bizarre that office dating is considered taboo or that people try to keep it quiet. We’ve had mixed-sex offices for over 30 years now, so you could say that workplace dating has really come of age.

2008-07-30T12:40:00.000-07:00

Attraction in action

Have you ever met someone and thought, "I really want to be her friend!" What attracts us to some people more than others? And are there traits we should seek out in relationships? In this article, personal coach Julie Jordan Scott shares with us the secrets of attraction.

Simplicity of attraction Attraction, put quite simply, is that which draws together: people or objects, ideas, products, opportunities.. Many commonly held precepts are borne from this simple definition, such as "like attracts like" and "bird of a feather, flock together."

Someone casually leaves a scrap of paper on the floor, soon there are multiple scraps of paper on the floor beside it. Without concerted effort, there will soon be a huge pile of scrap paper all over the floor.

It is seen in Junior High Schools across the world. The kids who like this style of music all crowd together. This lunch room table is populated by kids in the computer club and that corner of the hallway is reserved for the jocks.

Positive vs. negative thought There were two women who began their careers at a pharmaceutical company at the same time. They had the same level of education. Their families were from neighboring communities in Suburban New York. One of the women made an effort to attract positive people, attitudes and thoughts into her life. She brought forth almost immediate success.

Her colleague, on the other hand, always thought negatively. She would say to herself, "There are lots of opportunities here at ABC Pharmaceuticals BUT they would never promote me because I am too (insert your favorite negative attribute here). People might talk positively, yet think negatively almost incessantly, feeding the powerful subconscious a steady diet of negativity."

The book of Proverbs reinforces the law of attraction by stating, "As a man thinks, so is he."

Invitations to the world What you think, you bring into your life. Subconsciously or consciously, you decide what invitations you send to the world. One step further, you even decide who or what is going to RSVP. Make sure your guest list includes that which you want in your life, rather than what you do not want in your life. There are several simple steps to begin the process of attracting like a magnet exactly what you want to attract. By doing so, you will naturally repel those people, situations, ideas away from yourself as well.

Be deliberate in your verbal language as well as your self-talk. Listen carefully to what you tell yourself about yourself. When you hear yourself saying something contrary, literally tell yourself "STOP!" and replace it with a different belief, theory or reality.

Spend time with people who also want to attract positive opportunities into their lives. Have you ever noticed people who focus whole heartedly on "Most people think X" and lament the horrors of "most people" or who complain or nit-pick every small situation on the planet. All day long these people are like a leaking faucet dripping garbage. And what do they attract? More garbage, so they can continue to feed the drip. Avoid them like the plague they produce!

Take positive action, eliminate negative action. Be sure your positive thoughts are matched by positive actions and positive habits. You will come increasingly magnetic as all the components work in harmony.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow used the metaphor of an arrow and gravity in his view of attraction: "If you would hit the mark, you must aim a little above it; Every arrow that flies feels the attraction of earth." As you are experimenting with using your magnetism, simply aim high. See what you bring forth. Attract magnetically and magnificently.

2008-07-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

Chocolate is for lovers!

Chocolate is the food of the aristocracy, children, soldiers and lovers. Once heralded as a cure-all, advertisers now market it as a "sinful delight." It lives up to its Greek botanical name -- theobroma cacao -- "food of the gods."

Chocolate history

According to Toltec and Aztec myth, the feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl first brought the cocoa seeds down from heaven and taught humans how to grow cocoa trees. The Aztec drank it on ceremonial occasions calling it cacahuatl -- foam water -- they mixed it with grounded hot peppers and poured the thick drink from one vessel to another till it foamed. Aristocratic couples would share a drink during their marriage ceremony. The difficult-to-grow cocoa beans were so prized they were used as currency, like gold was in Europe.

At Aztec court, Cortez drank the beverage in a golden goblet. Before the Spanish could cultivate vineyards in the New World, they took over cocoa plantations. The new arrivals to Mexico began to mix sugar and vanilla with chocolate so it was no longer a bitter spicy drink. The Spanish soldiers would stay alert longer and fight better drinking chocolate and it wasn't intoxicating like alcohol. In Spain, doctors praised it as a beneficial drink with medicinal properties. They used it to treat sore throats, fevers and to ease difficult pregnancies. Priests and nuns drank chocolate during fasts. Monasteries were in charge of growing cocoa and for almost 100 years the Spanish guarded the secret of chocolate.

No one knows who was responsible for leaking the secret. It could have been Antonia Carletti, an Italian traveler, who might have discovered chocolate and spread the word to the rest of Europe. Other sources credit Spanish-born Princess Anna of Austria who married the King of France, Louise XIII. Soon the French started Chocolate houses and clubs and they sprang up all over Europe. Madame Du Berry in France served it to her various lovers to keep their strength up. Europeans treasured chocolate as a special treat, an aphrodisiac as well as cure for all ailments.

Many countries contributed to the art, science and technology of chocolate. A Dutch chemist, Coenraad Johannes Van Houten, discovered a way to extract cocoa oil and produce chocolate powder cheaply, making it available to almost everyone including children. Daniel Peter in Switzerland mixed cocoa with condensed milk creating milk chocolate in 1876. Manufacturers used steam engine to grind cocoa beans and chocolate. Chocolate factories sprouted up, producing chocolate bars with added ingredients like raisins and nuts.

The birth of the chocolate bar
In 1674, people started eating chocolate in stick solid form but mass production was not possible. A small group of Quakers took over chocolate production in the nineteenth century England. They saw chocolate as a healthy non-alcoholic drink and food for the lower classes. Fry and Sons mass-produced eating, solid chocolate bars in 1847.

Since the American Civil War, chocolate has feed armies. Hershey's supplied the American army with chocolate bars as part of their rations. The bars provided soldiers with fast, portable energy.

Chocolate is for lovers
In Europe, chocolate obtained the reputation as an aphrodisiac and the food of love, shortly after its arrival. Manufacturers and artists can mould chocolates in an endless variety of shapes. They are treats for almost every holiday, but chocolate has special meaning for Valentine's Day. The Italians most popular chocolates are Baci -- meaning kisses -- filled with cherry and hazelnuts. They also have little messages in each silver wrapper. Italian lovers started to exchange boxes of these chocolates in the 1920s.

Chocolate is one of the most versatile and beloved foods in the world. Belgium is at the forefront of creating and marketing luxury chocolates to adults. It's a new idea with a long tradition.

2008-07-30T11:49:00.000-07:00

A game for love

To some, intimacy means snuggling in front of a roaring fire. To others, it means reading a book together or watching a steamy movie. But achieving intimacy requires communication. If your relationship is in need of a tune-up, plan an evening alone and play a game for love.

Getting to know you
Whether you've been with your partner for many years or you're just starting a new relationship, building true intimacy is crucial in developing a strong and loving relationship. Often we work hardest to develop intimacy in the initial stages of a relationship, and become somewhat lax in our efforts in the ensuing years.

For those couples just starting out, sharing your deepest thoughts, fears, hopes and desires brings you closer together and helps to form strong and lasting bonds. As relationships continue to develop -- couples marry, have children and become more involved in their careers -- it's important to continue working at building intimacy. This helps us as couples to stay connected and adds to the security, happiness and fulfillment of the relationship.

It might sound a bit comical, but by playing a simple game which has been around forever, it's easy and fun to build intimacy. Remember the game Twenty Questions? We've all played it in one form or another. This can be a terrific tool in helping even the most reserved to open up to their partners.

Twenty QuestionsTwenty Questions is a very easy and straight-forward game to play. Each person takes a turn asking a question which must be answered honestly and as completely as possible by their partner. You can take turns asking questions -- one at a time, or you can each take a turn asking all twenty questions in a row. The key is to ask open-ended questions - questions which cannot be answered by a simple Yes or No. Moreover, taking time to develop great questions will only serve to make the game more interesting and revealing.

Even those who have been together for many years are often amazed by what they learn about their partner in playing this game. Past experiences and memories are often revealed, deep thoughts and emotions can be brought to the surface, a issue or desire may be shared, etc.

The point, whether you use this technique or not, is to continue to communicate on a meaningful level. We never stop growing and are forever changing, making it that much more important for couples to share their deepest thoughts, fears, and needs with each other on a regular basis. Those couples who work to build intimacy find their relationships much more loving and rewarding, and as such, enables them to better deal with the occasional problem or issue that comes along in all relationships.

If you feel your relationship lacks intimacy or you're looking for a bit of a tune-up, plan an evening alone, put on some soft music, cuddle up next to the fire, take out your list of questions, and play a game for love.

2008-07-30T11:30:00.000-07:00

Gay and Lesbian Couples Handle Conflict Better Than Straights

Study Compares Gays and Straights and Relationship Success

By Kathy Belge

I’ve always had a personal theory that lesbian couples get along better than straights because as women, we’re better communicators. We’ve been socialized to express our feelings and can share them more readily with a partner. Well, it turns out that that theory has been backed up by scientific research.

The Gottman Institute out of Seattle conducted a 12-year study of gay and lesbian couples to determine what makes them succeed or fail. Even though we have many of the same problems as heterosexual couples, same-sex couples actually have some better coping mechanisms. The Gottman Study looked at how couples deal with conflict and was reported in 2004.

Gay and Lesbian Couples Deal with Conflict in an Upbeat Manner

When it comes to conflicts, gay and lesbian couples are more likely to use affection and humor in a disagreement than straights. And gay and lesbian couples are more likely to remain positive when hearing about a disagreement from their partners. “Straight couples may have a lot to learn from gay and lesbian relationships,” Dr. John Gottman says.

Gays and Lesbians Use Fewer Hostile Emotional Tactics

Gottman discovered in his studies that gay and lesbian couples put more of an emphasis on power-sharing versus power-over dynamics. In a study out of the University of California at Berkeley, Robert Levenson discovered gay and lesbian partners display less belligerence, domination and fear with each other than straight couples do.

Gays Take it Less Personally

In a fight, straight couples are more likely to “hurt” their partner with a negative comment. For gay and lesbian couples, positive comments have more of an impact, making the partner feel good about him or herself and negative comments don’t affect them as negatively. “This trend suggests that gay and lesbian partners have a tendency to accept some degree of negativity without taking it personally,” Gottman says.

Lesbians Show More Emotion Than Gay Men

When fighting, lesbian show more anger, humor, excitement and interest than gay men. This may be because women are raised to share their emotions more readily than men.

2008-07-30T11:24:00.000-07:00

Kiss Like a Pro

The Fine Art of Kissing

From By Tracy Bartlett

Kissing is a fundamental erotic art, but it seems to get neglected as such, even though kissing is often where the whole game starts. Like all erotic arts, it is a skill that can be improved upon, and your best teachers are your lovers and friends. Kissing is an entire erotic world unto itself as well as a form of sexual communication. How you kiss telegraphs information about what kind of lover you will be. Being a good kisser will maker her want more. Bon appetit!

Let Anticipation Build

Rushing it is the single most common mistake (meaning erotic-energy reducer) lovers make. Flirt until she’s moving closer to you. Stay close until she’s aching for you to kiss her (if you’re not sure, ask: “I’d like very much to kiss you right now, may I?”). Kiss her softly until you feel the urgency to build to kiss deeper. You get the idea.

Vary Techniques

Avoid the mindset where you can’t “go back” to something you’ve done earlier. Soft kisses complement deep, hard kisses. A particularly fabulous hand job may inspire you to kiss all her fingers in appreciation. Punctuate mouth kisses with kissing/sucking her neck, inside the bend of her elbow, behind the knees, armpit and so on.

Surprise Her

Keep her on her toes by varying the types of kisses you deliver. For example, most people expect a peck when parting company in public. Every so often, plant a big, wet sloppy one on her at the bus stop. Likewise, remember to occasionally press her up against the wall, tangle your fist tightly in her hair, growl, “You look good enough to eat” in her ear, then kiss her softly and dash off to work.

Remember Make-Out Sessions?

They’re still hot! So take your date, friend or wife to the drive-in and make out through the whole movie. Invite friends over to play spin the bottle. Hey, we’re big kids now--we can do whatever we want!

Try Sensory Deprivation

While kissing, try sliding your hands up over her ears so your palms form a seal to block out sound. With eyes closed, this added sensory deprivation serves to heighten the tactile sense and focus her attention so that your mouth becomes her whole world.

Use Mouth Toys

Try kissing and passing objects between you. Grapes and cherries work particularly well. I ca can certainly add a thrilling sensation while kissing(not to mention the places that might enjoy the caress of an icy tongue). Wine or sparking water can be passed from one mouth to another, introducing the sensation of “drinking her in.” Gravity can help with that last maneuver --position yourself slightly higher and let the wine spill from your mouth to hers.

Talk Sexy

Of course I am not suggesting interspersing kisses with excerpts from a lecture on federally supported municipal bonds. But sweet compliments whispered into her mouth are very likely to be welcome. It’s flattering to be observed in detail, so describe to her (in your sexiest voice) the smell of her hair, what you thought when you first saw her that night, how hot you are for her, how you’ve been watching her for an hour, what you hope to be doing to her later.

Weave Kissing Throughout Sex

Make kissing a staple of lovemaking, not just a warm-up act. Kissing is appropriate anytime. After oral sex, it’s a fabulous taste treat. There’s a powerful intimacy involved in joining mouths and breath. Try keeping your mouths together and breathing as you get close to orgasm. Don’t try to navigate tongues; just let your open mouths touch so that you’re hot, panting and your mutters of “yes…yes…” go right into each other’s mouths.

Observe Her

We tend to give what we want to get, so pay attention to her style and technique. Does she push her tongue deep into your throat? Does she nibble you lips? Does she kiss with her lips for a long time before using her tongue? How much pressure does she use pressing her mouth to yours?

Communicate

This is, of course, as with any sexual activity, the most important skill. There’s such a huge variety of desires that it is impossible to “just know” everything she likes and doesn’t like. There also needs to be room to discover new desires. Try setting aside time for kissing play that isn’t in the heat of passion (but could lead to that). Use that time to educate and explore. Kiss for a while, then talk playfully, but in detail, about what you like and what you would change. Take time to tell stories that reveal erotic patterns (e.g., your first lover kissed you in the woods at summer camp, so the smell of pine is a turn-on for you). The more you practice (as with any skill), the more comfortable it will get. The more you get to know each other in this type of setting, the more knowledge you’ll have when you’re in the sweet thick of it.

Don’ts

Don’t assume she likes what you like. Ask. Experiment.
Don’t ask sweeping questions such as, “What do you like?” If talking in detail is difficult for someone (which is true for most of us), this is too overwhelming a question. Instead, ask for the responses to specific actions. (“Do you like it when I suck on your lower lip?” “I’ll start soft and get harder; tell me when it’s too hard.” “Do you want me to push my tongue farther into your mouth when you are more turned on?”)
Don’t kiss with cold sores. Keep the gift that keeps on giving to yourself, gals! Those unfortunate irritating outbreaks can challenge us to be erotically creative! Go thing we can’t get them on our hand, eh?
Don’t rush into using your tongue. Kissing with just lips with a soft open mouth is a delicious sensation and a strong anticipation builder. Be a tease.

2008-07-30T11:09:00.000-07:00

Lesbian Sex Drives: When Your Sex Drives Are Not the Same

How to Cope with Different Sex Drives in a Lesbian Relationship

By Kathy Belge

If there is one question I get more than any other, it’s from couples who have different sex drives. They’re too embarrassed to talk to their friends about it and with each other, the issue becomes so heated they can't talk about it. Both partners are left frustrated with no place to turn.

The first thing you need to know is that you are not alone. According to Michelle Weiner-Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage, one in every three couples suffers from sex drive differences. She, of course, is writing about straight married couples, but therapists that I know assure me that this is the number one issue that couples come into counseling for: whether lesbian, gay or straight.

Yet, despite it’s prevalence, it seems we have very few tools to deal with this issue. Some people have low sex drives. Others have high sex drives. You may be very happy to have sex one or two times a year. Your partner might want it every day. You might feel like you’re the one to always initiate sex and most times your advances are turned down. You feel rejected, unloved, unattractive and insecure. How can you talk about this range of emotions with your partner, when she just “doesn’t get it?”

Likewise, if you are the one who has a lower sex drive, you don’t understand what the big fuss is. You show her you love her everyday by cuddling, telling her you love her and doing little things for her around the house. Sex just isn’t that important to you. You express your closeness, intimacy and love in a different way.

Having a low or high sex drive is not the issue. How it affects your relationship is. If one of you loves to go to the movies and the other doesn’t, no big deal. She can go alone, or find a friend to go with. Sex, however, is quite a different matter. Sure you can masturbate. And you should. Masturbation can solve your need for orgasm, but it doesn’t fulfill that part of you that longs to be close to your partner, experience passion with another person and feel sexy and desired.

Why is this an Issue?

I hear time and time again from lesbians, after they break up, that lack of sex was an issue. They loved their partner deeply, but just didn’t want to live a sexless life. Others are just frustrated because their partners expect them to be monogamous, yet, aren’t having sex with them. Some step out and have affairs. Dealing with different sex drives is not something that will just go away if you ignore it. This article will help you explore some solutions for getting your relationship back.

What Can You Do: If You’re The One with a Low Sexual Drive

First and foremost, find a way to talk about the issue with your partner. Communication and understanding are key to solving this problem. Do you understand why you have a low sex drive? Are you taking medications that affect your libido? Are you depressed or do you have a poor body image? Were you the victim of sexual abuse and does that affect your ability to be intimate?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, they are all valid reasons for having a low sex drive. But they are also issues that can be addressed with a professional--a therapist, your doctor. It’s your life. Take control of it!

Recognize Your Power

The person in the relationship with a low sex drive is often the one who controls how often the couple will have sex. Your partner initiates, you turn her down, no sex happens. Isn’t a relationship supposed to be 50/50, sharing and taking care of one another? In an ideal world, I guess. But the reality is, nothing in a relationship is equal. If one of you makes more money than the other, there can be a power imbalance. In the case of sex, it’s the one with less who usually has to power. She asks, you turn her down. You might not even care, or want to change. That too gives you power. But if your lack of sex drive is causing problems in your relationship, you need to make some changes too. Here are some ideas to try.

Have Sex

You may not feel like having sex. You’re not in the mood, you’re tired and you just want to sit on the couch eat ice cream and watch American Idol. But your lover is giving you that look, she’s rubbing your feet and her hands are starting to move up your body….what do you do? Yes, you have a right to say no. No one should be made to do something they don’t want to, but why not say “yes” for a change? The way human sexual response works is that many people may not start out “in the mood,” but once they get going, their sexual energy rises and they end up getting aroused and enjoying sex. Why not see if that works for you?

From time to time it is okay to have sex with your partner just to do so. Even if your needs are not satisfied, it is okay to do something for her and for her only from time to time. Pretend it’s her birthday and this is the one gift she really wants.

Take Charge of Your Limitations

Do you only want sex on weekends, while on vacation or after you’ve had a long bath? If you know that’s what you need to get in the right frame of mind for sex, then do those things. And then invite your partner to join you for love-making.

Make Yourself Sexy

When couples first get together, they usually have great sex, and then gradually it slows down. Aside from the hormones that were racing through your body, there were probably some things you did to make yourself sexy for your partner. Did you dress in sexy outfits, go out dancing or make sensuous meals and feed each other? Think back to a time when you did feel sexy and sexual and see if you can bring some of that back into your life. Likewise, have you gained weight, let your hair go or stopped working out now that you’re “settled?” If you don’t feel good about yourself, you’re not going to feel good about someone else getting intimate with you. Head back to the gym, buy a new outfit or get a sexy new haircut. Really, these things will help your sex life.

Don’t Just Say No

If you really don’t feel like having sex, instead of saying “No, Honey, not tonight. I’m tired.” Instead give her another option. How about on Saturday after your softball game? Or if you give me a back rub, then I’ll get in the mood.

For the Partner With the Higher Sex Drive: What Can You Do?

You love your partner. Sometimes just looking at her, you get turned on. She is sexy and funny and smart and you can’t wait to show her how you feel by making love to her. In your mind, you make a move and she’s right there with you. You fall together and make passionate love for hours. In reality, you make a move, she tells you she’s tired or not in the mood and you feel dejected and want to crawl into a corner. It wouldn’t be so bad, except you haven’t made love in months and it’s really starting to affect your self-esteem. You think she doesn’t love you anymore, she finds you unattractive or is mad at you about something else.

Probably none of that is true. Your lover just has a lower sex drive than you. She expresses her love to you in different ways and she doesn’t quite get your need to be intimate all the time. “Isn’t cuddling enough?” she wants to know. So, what can you do? Here are some things to try:

Try to See Things Her Way

Most women who lose their sexual desire still find their partners attractive, good mates and love them very much. It’s just that they have a low libido. Every time she turns you down, she feels guilty. She doesn’t understand why she feels this way (or even if she does, she doesn’t know what to do to change it.) All she can see is that she’s making you unhappy, that you blame her for your unfulfilled needs and she wishes the whole problem would just go away!

Don’t Blame

It may be hard, but instead of blaming the problem on your wife’s lack of libido, take a look at yourself and see if there is anything you have been doing that might make her feel less than amorous. Have you been fighting a lot about other things? Is she taking on most of the burdens of the household? Is she really stressed out about something that you can help to alleviate--like trying to juggle care for her aging parents and her children while holding down two part-time jobs? Who would want to have sex with all that going on? If there is a way you can step in and help, do so.

Stop Pushing on the Same Door

You’re not having sex as often as you like. Your wife knows this. You know this. You’ve hinted at it. You’ve made moves, only to be rejected. You’re frustrated and it shows, so every time she pushes you away, you get hostile or hurt. And you continue to do the same thing over and over, even though it is not helping the situation. In order for things to change, you need to change your tactics. You’ve gotten into a negative pattern here and one of you needs to stop it. Try doing the exact opposite of what you’ve done in the past.

Try NOT initiating sex for 3-4 weeks. See what happens. Try being affectionate without it turning into a request for sex. The next time she turns you down, try saying, “Okay, I just want you to know I love you.”

Meet her Needs

Does she need a romantic dinner, candles and sexy music to get in the mood? Does watching a sexy movie turn her on? If that’s what it takes, then do it. But don’t spring it on her as a surprise and then expect sex. Let her know you’d like to plan a sexy evening and ask her what it would take to get her juices flowing.

Likewise, is there something in bed that would especially turn her on? Does she like oral sex, but you don’t like it? Does she feel unfulfilled unless there’s penetration? Make sure that you’re willing to do what she does want when the time comes to make love.

Let her Know How You Feel

Does she realize how serious the situation is? Because sex isn’t that important to her, she probably doesn’t realize what it means to you. Talk to her, but not in an accusing way. Use “I” statements, telling her that when she refuses you, you feel as if she doesn’t love you, is not attracted to you and like there’s something wrong with you.

You’re not Right, She’s Not Wrong

Stop looking at your lack of sex as a problem with her that she has to change. Instead, look at it as a problem with the relationship. This may seem like a subtle thing, but once you remove the blame from her and put it on the relationship, then it is something both of you can work to fix.

Get Intimate Without Having Sex

Agree to be intimate and not to have sex. Spend time , giving her a foot or body massage, laying in each other’s arms, slow dance. Agree beforehand that you will not have sex. Then don’t. It’s very important to keep this promise to her, even if the above activities get you turned on. She needs to know that you can be intimate without it always having to lead to sex.

Does Something Need to Change?

Are there other issues in your relationship that need to be addressed? Do you put her down, belittle her, not pay attention her dreams and desires? To have good sex, your relationship has to be good too.

Define What You Want

What is it that you do want from your partner? Do you want sex once a week? For her to initiate from time to time? For her to be more affectionate outside of the bedroom? Try to be clear, don’t just say, “We never have sex. I want sex more.” Set a goal, even if you never share it with her. Like any goal, it will take time and steps to get there. If you haven’t had sex in six months, a goal of sex three times a week may not be achievable. And you’re certainly not going to get there this week. A step toward this goal might be simply to talk about the issue without fighting. Or spending the evening cuddling on the couch.

Get Professional Help

If you and your mate are at a stalemate and you can’t seem to work through this issue, then, please do see a good couples counselor. It may be the thing that saves your relationship.

2008-07-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

10 things lesbians should discuss with health care providers

The Gay and Lesbian Medical Association (GLMA) has listed 10 health care concerns lesbians should include in discussions with their physicians or other health care providers.

The medical group ranks breast cancer as the top priority. Other necessary topics include depression, gynecological cancer, diet and osteoporosis.

"Many lesbians and far too many health professionals are not comfortable or do not know how to discuss health issues related to sexual orientation," said GLMA Executive Director Maureen S. O'Leary, R.N. Unfortunately, there are some health risks that are of greater concern to lesbians, and we need to make sure they are addressed."

Gynecologist and former GLMA President Kathleen O'Hanlan, M.D., said that the medical community must look at all factors -- gender, age, family history and current health -- but that there are cultural competence issues involved in treatment of lesbians that many do not understand.

"We know from research," said O'Hanlan, "that lesbians are less likely to seek medical care than other women because of the stigma they experience everywhere in society. They also experience it when they go for medical care. Health care providers may feel uncomfortable asking questions they feel to be personal. They then limit their visit and dash out without counseling the patient.

"Although more research is needed to understand the prevalence and causes," O'Hanlan continued, "there is evidence that lesbians smoke more and drink more. It is also more likely they are overweight, which adds significant health risks."

2008-07-30T10:49:00.000-07:00

Keeping a long distance relationship red-hot

Long-distance lovin'

Jennifer Chowdhury

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for two years now and let’s just say, having a vivid imagination is a very necessary skill. But contrary to what most people might think, it is possible to have a great sex life in a long-distance relationship. In fact, studies say that couples who are long distance have a better sex life than most. Here are some ideas for keeping things steamy when the fire's far away.

Have phone sex

This is probably the most popular method of keeping the fire alive in a long distance relationship. Masturbate to the sounds of your lover's voice over the telephone. You can even give each other directions, telling your lover exactly what you'd like him to do to him and what you want him to do to you. Long distance lovers tend to shed their inhibitions faster since they have to rely on unordinary methods of communication, so don't worry about being shy about talking about sex in such explicit terms. You'll soon get used to it.

Use a web cam

Do a little strip tease in front of the web cam for your love to turn up the heat. You might not be next to each other, but you could show each exactly what you're missing.

Chat or text message him

Chatting online or text messaging is a great alternative to having phone sex. In fact, it could help you ease into having phone sex! Writing down your fantasies is a lot easier than saying it over the telephone, so play out all your secret fantasies through the written word.

Send him a love letter

Revive the old-fashioned love letter. Don't let your lover know that he's supposed to be expecting a sensuous letter from you in the mail. Reading such erotic words written in your handwriting will be a pleasant surprise and a huge turn on.

Make him a love package

Instead of cookies, pastries, flowers and the like, send a package that contains erotic novels, a hot DVD, and sex toys. Whether or not he chooses to use all of the materials you sent is up to him, but it will surely bring a smile to his face.

Watch a sexy show or movie together

You could both tune into the same hot show or rent the same DVD and watch it while you chat and play.

2008-07-30T10:34:00.000-07:00

10 tips for singles

Being newly divorced can present interesting challenges. If you are ready to start looking for Mr Right again, Kay Moffett and Sarah Touborg, authors of Not Your Mother's Divorce, offer some ideas to get you started!

1. Note to self: Proceed with caution

Try to balance out time with thrilling new acquaintances/guys with time by yourself and time with good, old friends you can trust.

2. Singleton girlfriends: Your greatest asset

If you don't already have girlfriends who are single or have recently been single for a significant period of time, find them. Single women will be an incredible resource for you, both because they are in a similar phase of life and because they know the ropes of the wacky dating world better than you.

3. The harsh truth: It's one big process of
elimination

An important thing to know is that a guy you meet or go on a date with does not have to ever get in touch with you again. If a guy doesn't call, he's not interested/he's commitment-phobic/whatever. Don't fool yourself that he's busy, traveling, and so on.

4. Avoid inadvertent stalking

Be careful not to engage in premature couple behavior just because it's what you know best. You don't want to ruin something good by overwhelming the guy and yourself before you even know what's there, and you want to make sure he is as great as you think.

5. To thine own self be true -- without oversharing

Whether you view it as "being mysterious" a la The Rules or honoring your own privacy, going slowly on the information front means you are confiding in a guy only once you are ready and he is worthy -- an important measure of self-respect.

6. Go with the gut.

You'll usually know by the second or third date whether you're vaguely interested in a guy. If you're dreading a next date, you're not into it.

7. The world is your petri dish

Approach the dating scene with an attitude of experimentation and openness. Don't necessarily focus on Mr Right but on Mr Right Now.

8. Defy the checklist and rediscover your type

Many of us think we have a "type." We recommend you jettison the checklist, get out of your head, and experiment with what really makes you happy (or makes you gag) so that you're living in reality and not on some remote Fantasy Island.

9. Do a 180.

One form of defying your checklist is being attracted to or getting involved with guys who are pretty much the opposite of your ex. Human nature being what it is, sometimes we need to swing from one extreme to the other to make progress.

10. Find your inner flirt

Flirting is a state of mind -- it's about engaging in a sense of play about human contact and connection. It's about charming someone and letting yourself be charmed, about delighting in someone's vitality and having him delight in yours. It's frothy and joyous, not deep or serious. It's about instant gratification, not long-term goals. The chance to flirt may not last forever, so enjoy the freedom while you can -- flirt 'til it hurts!

2008-07-28T01:31:00.000-07:00

Why are there so many bad lovers?

"What proportion of men are really good in bed?" I ask this question whenever I am with a group of women. Alas, the results are not encouraging: I've never had a figure higher than 30 percent. There are, however, good reasons for this. The first and most pernicious is the idea that good lovemaking is instinctive, like eating. This is rubbish. Sex may be a basic instinct, but making love is an art. Both sexes have to learn it, and men more so than women, because women are more sexually complicated and more various.

Young men tend to have their early sexual experiences with girls of their own age or younger. Girls, in other words, who are not sure themselves what pleases them, or are not assertive enough to speak up about it. Even experienced women cannot be relied upon to educate their lovers. Ninety years after feminism became a major force, women today remain annoyingly unassertive in the bedroom: when Harry rubs at Susie's tenderest parts as vigorously as a belt sander, Susie merely grits her teeth, smiles bravely, and makes a mental note to avoid Harry next time.

Then there's the fact that men don't talk usefully to one another about sex; they don't share secrets. The most a man will do is sketch a sort of wiggly shape with both hands to indicate-you-know-what the lovely Tootsie, um, er, looks like underneath that tracksuit she always wears. When someone asks him how Tootsie behaves in private, he only raises his eyes skyward and confides, "Whooaah."

Women, on the other hand, are much more frank about the subject, and learn all sorts of delicious secrets from one another. Because we find sex essentially rather funny, we've no desire to be coy or gruff about it in private. When I lived in London, the women in the neighborhood would get together every two weeks to analyze their latest escapades, swap spicy sex tips, and even give demonstrations using cucumbers and bananas, how to apply the famous Butterfly Flick technique when performing oral sex, or how to roll on a condom while giving "maximum pleasure." Great stuff!

Much of the blame for bad sex must also go to sex manuals. Too many of them concentrate on making sex unusual, rather than ensuring that the quality is good. They push ahead to fancy work that is arousing for men, but not for women. Even the best books make serious mistakes. Most are written by men who cannot understand what sex is really like for women, or by therapists who are too soft-spoken and politically correct to speak the hard truth.

Bernard Zilbergeld's otherwise good book Men and Sex advises that it is "highly improbable" a woman will climax if she hasn't done so after "ten to fifteen minutes." Rubbish! Kim Scapa's Sex Tips for Boys is cunning and inventive, but declares that premature ejaculation (which can be readily cured) should be treated merely as an embarrassment of riches -- tell that to the girls! David Reuben's highly influential Everything you always wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask insists that oral sex will make even the most sexually unresponsive woman fly into wild ecstasies. Nonsense! Oral sex is very pleasant, if done well, but it no more guarantees orgasm than a ten-inch penis does. Such books talk about what is supposed to happen, not what actually does.

In sex manuals there is no embarrassment, no awkwardness, no distaste -- the partners are always strong, supportive, and eloquent about their personal needs. Not so in real life. Helena writes:

I have read a lot of books about sex in my time. I always feel they exist on a different plane to me, sort of in the way poetry exists on a different plane to everyday experience. I can recognize the things the writers are talking about but they've been smoothed down and turned into something remote.

Men today are more willing to please their partners than ever before: a good half of the letters I receive from women speak about "my sweet, caring man" and such endearments. And yet women still find it very difficult to communicate their sexual desires. "I feel too shy to sit my boyfriend down and tell him that there are several things he's doing wrong," writes Shirley. Men must be told about real sex, with all its difficulties and subtleties -- not about ideal, fictional sex.

The power of good sex

How important to a woman is good sex in a relationship? It varies enormously from person to person, but it is almost certainly more important than she lets on.

2008-07-28T01:10:00.000-07:00

Excerpt: 52 Saturday Nights

Making love. It probably begins with a touch, a glance, whatever signal you and your partner exchange as the evening progresses that says, Let's. But anticipation is one of the most delicious parts of any sexual encounter.

I'm sure you've read a novel or watched a movie or TV show in which there's a he and a she who you know will eventually end up in bed together. You avidly turn the pages or urge time to pass as you wait for the spark to become a flame. Everything that they do leading up to the "big moment" increases the sexual tension, for them and for you. Anticipation! It can be like that for you and your partner.

But shouldn't sex be spontaneous? Sure--why not? Spontaneity is wonderful. Coming home from work, dragging your partner into the bedroom, and ripping all of your clothes off can be wonderful. Deciding in the middle of a movie that you need to be home, now, is deliciously erotic. But planning a night of making love and letting your partner in on the plan can be just as arousing.

How? Let's begin this, our first Saturday night together, with the idea that tonight's the night. Begin at the very start of the day. When you wake up Saturday morning, whisper in your partner's ear that you have something sexually exciting planned for that evening. "Not now," you say, jumping out of bed, "but later. Think about it." Do you have to have something really different planned? Not necessarily. The difference will be the anticipation and the arousal that your comment stimulates.

For her
Put a ribbon or rubber band around his wrist, just below his wristwatch, so that every time he checks the time, he's reminded that something good is in store. Make a cassette with some erotic music, something that's meaningful to you both, and slip it into his car stereo for him to listen to as he does his errands. It can be anything from Michael Bolton to Beethoven, so long as it sends a message. If you're really creative, include a few well-chosen words with the music that hint at the evening's activities. A single word or an entire erotic scenario? That's up to you.

If you lay out his clothes in the morning, select something he knows you find arousing, like a particularly tight T-shirt or a pair of black briefs. As he's dressing, slip a piece of satin or canvas or a small piece of fur into the crotch of his shorts so that he feels it all day and thinks of you.

Do you make his lunch? Put something suggestive in for a snack, with a note saying, "I hear that olives make you passionate. Let's hope that's true, because I have designs on your body tonight."

For him
Call her up during the day and whisper a few naughty words about the evening to come. That can be particularly delicious if she's in a roomful of people and can't react. Create a pet name that you only use in the dark. Ed calls me a "sexy witch," abbreviated SB, and when I hear that, I know he's having wonderfully erotic thoughts. If you also explain to the kids that SB stands for "silly beast," only the two of you will know its sexual connotation. Call her that all day.

Pull a particularly sexy piece of underwear from her drawer and ask her to wear it for you beneath her clothing so that all day she'll think of you. Ask her to shorten her bra straps so they bind a bit at the shoulder.

For both of you
If you can, plan to have dinner out that evening. Draw out the suspense with a long meal, with lots of suggestive gazes, comments, and gestures. Remember, we're trying to make the excitement last as long as possible.

For fun
If you're really daring, take a slender ribbon and run it through one of the leg holes of a pair of briefs or panties (it works equally well with either), then through the waist opening. Tie the ribbon tightly; then do the same at the other side of the undies. Now the crotch of the pants will be really binding and uncomfortable in an erotic way. Then ask your partner to wear them so he or she will think about you all day. That constant reminder will make your lover so hungry that by the time the day comes to an end, it will be all you can do to postpone the inevitable until bedtime.

But who wants to postpone it anyway? Remember spontaneity?

2008-07-28T00:10:00.000-07:00

Fantasies: The safest sex, part four

2) Male fantasies more often involve sex with two or more partners at one time. In one study, a third of men had fantasies about sex with multiple partners--twice the number of women. Guys are also more likely to switch partners in mid-fantasy.

3) Both sexes imagine overpowering a partner or being forced to submit to another's wishes. But men are more likely to have domination fantasies, while women tend to see themselves submitting to a partner's sexual wishes. One researcher reports that 13 percent of women but only 4 percent of men said that their favorite fantasy was being forced to have sex.

4) Men have a greater variety of fantasies. Asked to check off all those they had experienced in the past three months (on a list of 55), male collegians indicated 26 of them. Women listed only 14.

Dream on
There's still a lot no one knows about sexual fantasies. Is the frequency and range of fantasies similar in other cultures? How does the content of fantasies change over one's lifetime? And what happens when we act on our fantasies? Does it spoil them--or make them more vivid? "We have no idea," admits Leitenberg.

But what we do know is proof enough that fantasies are an essential part of our sexual repertoire. Far from being a sign of sexual inadequacy or deprivation, fantasies are associated with a healthy, happy sex life. "The people who have the most sexual problems fantasize least," Leitenberg notes.

Indeed, fantasy's power to arouse us--some folks say they can achieve orgasm solely from sexual thoughts, or "thinking off" -- proves that the brain is as potent a sexual organ as one's genitalia. And though most erotic thoughts are relatively ordinary, our more imaginative flights allow us to explore our sexuality without risk of physical harm or social rejection. Consider this finding: Imagining having sex with your current lover is a popular fantasy when you're not engaged in sexual activity--while imagining sex with a new partner is a popular fantasy during intercourse.

Most of us need no further justification for fantasy beyond the fun factor. "Sexual fantasy is a natural part of being human" says Leitenberg. "It's pleasurable. So why not fantasize?"

2008-07-28T00:07:00.000-07:00

Fantasies: The safest sex, part three

Novel or "forbidden" imagery. This includes unconventional settings, questionable partners like strangers or relatives, and ligament-straining positions worthy of the Kama Sutra. Or as Dr. Seuss once asked (albeit in a somewhat different context): "Would you, could you, in a boat? Could you, would you, with a goat?"

Scenes of sexual irresistibility. Here the emphasis is on seductive power: overcoming the reluctance of an initially indifferent man or woman through sheer animal magnetism. Or the irresistibility may take numerical form in fantasies involving multiple partners.

Dominance and submission fantasies. In these, sexual power is expressed either ritualistically--in sadomasochistic activities--or through physical force, as in rape fantasies. Such fantasies are surprisingly common. Person reports that 44 percent of men have had fantasies of dominating a partner. Other studies found that 51 percent of women fantasized about being forced to have sex, while a third imagined: "I'm a slave who must obey a man's every wish."

None of this means, of course, that real-world rape victims "really want it." "Women who find submission fantasies sexually arousing are very clear that they have no wish to be raped in reality," say Leitenberg and Henning. In their fantasies, women control every aspect of what occurs. And their scenarios are far less brutal than real-life attacks. Typically the fantasy involves an attractive man whose restraint is simply overwhelmed by the woman's attractiveness. These fantasies serve the same psychological purpose as scenes of irresistibility. "It's different means to the same end" says Leitenberg. "We want to be desired."

Incidentally, researchers find little difference in the fantasies of hetero- and homosexuals--except in the gender of participants.

Harlequin and Hefner
It doesn't take a PhD to figure out that the fantasies of men and women differ. Just look at the fantasy scenarios that publishers push.

Men have Playboy: big-busted women exposing their attributes, in almost clinical detail, from a variety of angles and positions. For women, on the other hand, there are tales like The Bridges of Madison County and cookie-cutter Harlequin romances. The covers may depict heaving bosoms and Fabio's muscular physique, but the sex always comes packaged within an emotional, passionate romance.

While all this may change as sexual roles and cultural attitudes change, fantasies still fall along those gender lines. When male and female college students were asked to write out in detail three fantasies they had, women were more likely to describe romance and commitment while men mentioned a greater number of sexual acts.

In another study of 300 college students, 41 percent of the women but only 16 percent of the men--said that while fantasizing they focused on the "personal or emotional characteristics of the partner." Men, however, were four times as likely to focus on their fantasy partner's physical characteristics. Sociobiologists argue that these discrepancies represent evolved behavioral differences between men and women. But even if that's true, Leitenberg observes, there are certainly cultural pressures for women not to think about sex outside of a committed relationship, lest they be labeled a "slut."

The romance/genitalia dichotomy isn't the only major differences in male and female fantasies, report Leitenberg and Henning. Here are some others:

1) Men are more likely to imagine themselves doing something to a woman, and their fantasies focus on her body. Women, on the other hand, tend to envision something being done to them and to concentrate more on their partner's interest in her.

2008-07-27T23:56:00.000-07:00

Fantasies: The safest sex, part two

Once you get beyond age, though, it's hard to predict whether a given person has lots of fantasies. Attempts to identify a "fantasy-prone" type of individual have been woefully unsuccessful. Even religious and political views provide few clues. Conservatives have just as many fantasies as liberals--despite the fact that, according to one study, nearly half of conservative Christians feel sexual fantasies are "morally flawed or unacceptable."

The devout aren't the only ones who have mixed feelings. One in four people feel strong guilt about their fantasies, reports Leitenberg. Most of this hand-wringing "involves people who feel guilty about fantasizing while making love to their partners," he says. Even among sexually adventurous groups like college students, 22 percent of women and 8 percent of men said they usually try to repress the feelings associated with fantasy.

Guilt also strikes when fantasy and personal ideology collide. "There are people who feel that their sexual fantasies are not a part of them," Person says. "The CEO of a Fortune 500 company may have masochistic fantasies of being tied to a bed, and he might be perfectly comfortable because he sees that as respite from having to be in control; whereas some feminists are ashamed because they have masochistic fantasies and they feel that the fantasies are contrary to their political beliefs."

Such guilt exacts a heavy toll. Those who fret over their fantasies have sex less often and enjoy it less, even though the content of their fantasies is no different from those of the guilt-free.

But even unusual and "deviant" fantasies give little reason for concern in healthy individuals. It's true that we sometimes use fantasies as a springboard for later sexual hijinks. But the path from fantasy to deviance is anything but direct.

Rape fantasies, for instance, are far more common than rapes themselves. And as an extreme example, consider that only 22 percent of child molesters say they had sexual fantasies about kids before their first molestation. So unusual fantasies are a concern only when they become compulsive or exclusive, or for individuals "in whom the barrier between thought and behavior has been broken," say Leitenberg and Henning.

Exactly why your fantasies differ from those of your friends is not well understood. But theories abound. Certainly personal experience and the things we see, hear, and read about enter the mix.

External stimuli like sexy advertisements or scantily clad passersby, in fact, may be responsible for the off-noted observation that men fantasize more than women. In a sample of college students, researchers found that men fantasized or thought about sex 7.2 times a day, compared to 4.5 for women. For each sex, two of those fantasies were internally triggered. But men reported twice as many externally provoked thoughts.

Our favorite internally triggered fantasies probably attain preferred status through classical conditioning, the sane process that had Pavlov's dogs drooling at the sound of a bell. Fantasies that accompany orgasms are particularly reinforced, for instance, making them more arousing next time around. From there "we embellish them, change them," says Person. "They're like an evolving series." Scenarios that don't accompany arousal are discarded.

While the most common fantasies involve routine sex with a past, present, or imaginary partner, that's not to say that we don't occasionally give our fantasy muscles a more strenuous workout. In addition to those decidedly "vanilla" scenarios, Leitenberg and Henning describe three other primary flavors of fantasy:

2008-07-27T23:46:00.000-07:00

Fantasies: The safest sex, part one

You may be afraid to talk about them, but sexual fantasies are normal.

Ah, sexual fantasy. It has one big advantage over sexual reality: You have total control over everything that happens. You won't be humiliated or suffer at the hands of a brutish lover unless, of course, that's what you want.

Consider the possibilities. Your fantasy partner can be a celebrity, the guy who works down the hall, or your best friend's mate. You enjoy complete choice of venue: a tropical island, an elevator, a tree swing. And the activity in question can range from romantic, longing glances to sexual gymnastics that would strain a circus contortionist.

So perhaps the most surprising fact about our fantasies is this: The sexual scenario we most often imagine is the ordinary, non-kinky intercourse with a past or current lover. Despite the potential for limitless freedom, our fantasies generally stay firmly tethered to reality.

Don't worry if you assumed most fantasies were a bit more risque.Even in today's tell-all culture, sexual fantasies remain one of our last taboos, something that people simply don't discuss.

"We tell each other almost everything--our sexual habits, who we lust for, how much money we make," notes Columbia University psychiatrist Ethel Person, MD, author of By Force of Fantasy. "But I do not know the sexual fantasies of my closest friends. We regard fantansies as too revealing. They're treasured possessions, yet we're ashamed of them."

Even psychologists long found sexual fantasy vaguely disreputable, ignoring the topic almost entirely for the first half of the century. But the last two decades have produced a flurry of new information, say University of Vermont psychologist Harold Leitenberg, PhD, and South Carolina's Kris Henning, PhD And it turns out that a lot of what we thought we knew is wrong.

Imaginary lovers
The misconceptions about sexual fantasies began with Freud himself. In 1908 he declared that "a happy person never fantasizes, only a dissatisfied one." Later thinkers embroidered this theme, developing what has become known as the deficiency theory.

"People still believe that fantasies are compensation for lack of sexual opportunity," says Leitenberg. "That if your sex life was adequate, you wouldn't have to fantasize."

But the data show that, if anything, frequent fantasizers are having more than their share of fun in bed. They have sex more often, engage in a wider variety of erotic activities, have more partners, and masturbate more often than infrequent fantasizers, Leitenberg and Henning report in Psychological Bulletin.

The association between fantasies and a healthy sex life is so strong, in fact, that it's now considered pathological not to have sexual fantasies.

And no wonder. Researchers studying sexual fantasies confirm that everyone has them, from adolescence onward. Well, almost everyone: About five percent of men and women say they have never had a sexual fantasy (or won't admit to it). Person believes that these fantasy-free folks are getting a vicarious fix elsewhere--from movies, for example. Or else they simply aren't paying attention to their own thoughts.

Most adults say they first remember fantasizing between the ages of 11 and 13. From there they quickly pick up speed. Sexual fantasies and thoughts are most common in hormone-addled teens and young adults. In one study, researchers asked people at random times during the day whether sex had crossed their minds during the past five minutes. Among 14- and 15-year-olds, 57 percent of boys and 42 percent of girls said yes. Affirmative responses were less common with increasing age: among 56-to 64-year-olds, 19 percent of men and 12 percent of women answered yes.

2008-07-27T23:37:00.000-07:00

Choosing your first sex toy

Passion
play

by Aly Walansky

On a cold, rainy night a few weeks ago, my good friend Dina and I holed ourselves up in her cozy east village apartment with cocktails and took in a film. The movie? "The Oh in Ohio," starring Parker Posey and Paul Rudd. The subject matter: Parker Posey's character being unable (ever) to orgasm with her husband... but finding her ultimate sweet spot with her first vibrator.

Us gals got to talking, and it made me curious. Are there other women out there who have such a problem? We know that toys can spice up even the spiciest of relationships, but can they be the saving grace for when there is no spice at all?

"If she's having trouble climaxing, she needs to do two things," says Christan Marashio, creator of moxieinthecity.net, a sex-positive web site that coordinates classes and events geared toward singles and sexuality education in a fun and informal setting. "First, figure out if it an emotional/mental issue or a physical one. She may not have any idea what or where the G-Spot is. If she's very 'in her head' during sex or masturbation then that's probably why she's having difficulty. Relaxation is key. Orgasms require both a relaxed physical and mental state. Yoga is fantastic because it gives you additional flexibility, helps you work on your breathing and leaves you feeling centered. But the best way to give way to your orgasm is to masturbate and become familiar with your own body."

According to Marashio, the majority of women, 70-75 percent, do not orgasm from intercourse and need additional stimulation.

"Research has found that many women experience their first orgasm(s) with a vibrator for a number of reasons," says Yvonne K. Fulbright, author of Sex with Your Ex & 69 Other Things You Should Never Do (Polka Dot Press, ISBN-10: 1598692054). "She's typically masturbating, so she can explore her body on her own time and without the pressure of an on-looking partner to climax. She's getting to know her body and learns how to turn it on in a way she or her partner can't in the sack. She's more relaxed because it is a private moment. The toy itself is giving her sensations not yet experienced in the boudoir."

"Toys will, in most cases, help a woman to learn to orgasm," says LaSara FireFox, author of Sexy Witch and a sex educator (www.lasara.us and www.sexitupseminar.com). "Overall, the best thing a woman can do to increase her ability to orgasm is to get to know her sexual anatomy. Chapter four (Menstruation, Masturbation and Matrices) of my book, Sexy Witch, covers the benefits of masturbation extensively, and chapter two (Pussy Power!) includes a detailed drawing of the female sexual anatomy."

"Sex toys -- vibrators in particular -- are the "treatment of choice" for women who have difficulty orgasming," says Dr Sandor Gardos, Ph.D., sex therapist at mypleasure.com. "On the other hand, if the real issue is that you are having a hard time letting go, then the best advice is to practice, with or without a toy of choice on your own. Learn what feels good and get in touch with what you need to really be in the moment. For women who have never used a sex toy before, I would recommend trying out a few on their own at first. Figure out what you like and what works for you so you can show your partner.

LaSara advises that it's important that we get intimate with our anatomy, and not just in the abstract, either. Getting to know how we work -- what turns us on, how we like to be touched, what feels good -- and increasing our comfort with the visceral reality of our sex is, hands-down, the best way to improve our ability to orgasm. "If you don't know you're way around your house, how are you going to be able to give an effective tour?"

"Although it's not often thought of as a sex toy, I always recommend a good lubricant as a place to start," says Ellen Barnard, MSSW, a sex educator, counselor, and co-owner of A Woman's Touch, a sexuality resource center. "Lubricant enhances and increases a woman's sensation, increases her pleasure, and provides a wonderful introduction to the kinds of pleasures one can find when you add something simple to sex play."

"The G-gasm method is all about pleasing her with toys or fingers, no penis needed," says Jani (G-gasm.com), author of The G-Gasm Method: Your Ultimate Guide to the G-Spot Orgasm (Bonnie's Gang, ISBN-10: 0976209047) and Tonight's the Night...Your Ultimate Guide to Sexy Kinky Things to do With Your Lover (Bonnie's Gang, ISBN-10: 0976209055). "A good starter toy is the clit buzzing "Slim Line Vibrator" -- comes in assorted colors and is only about $6. To set off some toe curling delight, you need a vibrator with the G-spot curve, to reach and apply the right amount of pressure on the G-spot. "Body Teasers" (about $11) is a good beginner toy, but to really hit the spot, get a "Blue Heaven Rotating Pet Rabbit Vibrator" -- one of these babies will set you back $100 or so, but well worth it for G-spot play -- will produce waves upon waves of G-gasms until eventually you become a puddle, out of breath and exhausted."

"Some women find a vibrator is too strong, or that it is difficult to get it on the right spot. They end up frustrated. The ultimate sex toy is one's finger, because a woman can vary the location and pressure of the stroke on her clitoris. Some women like to use more than one finger; they like friction all around and on the clitoris," says Dr. Stephanie Buehler, director of The Buehler Institute and a certified sex therapist who in her practices teaches women to have orgasms. "For women who like or need stronger stimulation," she continues, "the classic, advocated by masturbation pioneer Betty Dodson, is the Hitachi Magic Wand. This is a pretty big vibrator, meant to rub out muscle tension all over. The beauty of it is its strong motor. It would be hard for a woman not to have an orgasm with this device. However, some women find it tiring to hold onto because it is a bit heavy and awkward." She also strongly recommends the Pocket Rocket because it is small and easy to move around. "For women who want to try using a vibrating device inside the vagina, the little Pocket Rocket is good. Only the first third of the vagina really has the nerve endings required for an orgasm anyway. The Pocket Rocket can be a good introductory device for vaginal orgasms."

Bullets for many are the way to go. Pureromance.com sells a wide selection and offers discreet, quick shipping (something the shy gals can't help but appreciate). Their seventh Heaven variety has seven different speeds and considering the clitoris has over 10,000 nerve endings, it can be a very successful experiment for the first-timer. A Pure Romance party may also be a good way to go, a sort of girls night 'in'. (Think your mom's Tupperware parties...just with vibrators!)

The "best" toy is the one that works best for you. "Before deciding on a first sex toy, a woman needs to understand whether she receives greater pleasure from being stimulated clitorally, vaginally or a combination of both," says Nicole Matthias, president of BadFun.com, an upscale online adult boutique. "The bullet is a small yet powerful compact vibe that provides powerful clitoral stimulation. And best of all, it's very affordable. For women that prefer vaginal or the combined vaginal and clitoral stimulation, the Jack Rabbit features a rotating shaft for vaginal penetration while also providing the option of using the bunny ears for clitoral stimulation."

But if toys don't work for you, remember you aren't alone. "There are women who still have trouble climaxing with a toy," says Fulbright. "Often this is because they have a history of sexual trauma, have major guilt complexes about being sexually active (if even just with themselves), or they have major issues with using a toy and simply can't relax enough, and get out of their heads enough, to let go and enjoy."

"Be prepared to giggle a bit, and do some learning about your new toy when you first get it," says A Woman's Touch's Ellen Barnard. "Some women experience immediate orgasms the first time they use a vibrator, others need to take time to learn how to use one and how their bodies like to be stimulated. Consider this one more interesting learning experience on the path of a lifetime of pleasure."

2008-07-27T23:26:00.000-07:00

Maintain your sexy

by Brie Gatchalian

Whether it’s your first time with this lover or not, exuding sex appeal never gets old. It’s easy to let yourself go or to let your nerves get the best of you, we understand. After all, bedroom intimacy puts you in a vulnerable state. You don’t want to show up to the “party” feeling unprepared. But you can remedy your nerves, not to mention your look before you make love. Doing so will only elevate the experience. Before you hit the sack with your beau, maintain your sexy like so.

Get a lesson in sex

Having really good sex can mean losing a bit of yourself. I’m not talking about forgetting who you are, I’m merely pointing out that you have to lose a little bit of your inhibition to “get there” easily. Though they say liquor can lower a person’s inhibitions, we’re suggesting to steer clear of alcohol. Find out how to experience the best intercourse with Good Sex: A Woman’s Guide to Losing Inhibition by Charlotte Kane ($12.95 at bookstores nationwide). This guide will teach you how to free yourself to get to that better place in intimacy.

Groom

Depending on your and/or your mate’s preference, a little grooming can’t hurt. Use a depilatory, wax or a razor to trim as necessary. Word to the wise, be wary of using a hair removal cream like Veet’s In-Shower Hair Removal Cream for a Brazilian wax (prices vary by store and product size). There are certain areas down below that are quite sensitive to chemicals. You don’t want to harm your skin before playtime.

Glow

Some women may object to this, but when I asked my gal pals about tanning, the consensus was unanimous: Glowing skin looks way hot. If you’re concerned with sun damage, such as skin cancer, consider a self-tanner like Clinique’s Radiant Bronze Face & Body Tinted Self-Tanner ($18.50 at Sephora stores nationwide). Apply the day before so nothing runs or wipes off during the big night. Sometimes a mixture of natural moisture with bronzer can stain the sheets.

Exude confidence

You can sexify from top to bottom, but your partner won’t notice the effort if you don’t carry it well. Although you may be in a vulnerable state of nakedness—literally—always remember that your body is beautiful, you’re gorgeous and your lover wants you. And if that’s not enough, then you might as well fake it.

2008-07-27T14:40:00.000-07:00

Sex and back pain

Back pain and sex don't go together very well and if you or your partner are among the 35 million people who have back pain, you know that back pain can disrupt your relationship. Sex is an important part of the intimacy between couples, and attitudes about sex, about rejection and about our self-image when we don't feel up to a sexual encounter can haunt a couple for a long time.

Sex is supposed to be pleasurable for both of you and the fear of hurting yourself or your partner inhibits the spontaneous joy that you probably felt before your back pain developed. But what can you do about it? Most couples in which one or the other is restricted by back pain will eventually get around to realizing that back pain does not automatically mean no more sex. What it does mean is that you will need to make some accommodations to the pain and or the fear of it. It also means you will need to talk about sex in a slightly different way than you are used to.

Let's back up for a second and begin with a very strong suggestion. Because pain has both a psychological component and a physical component, getting a sound diagnosis is critical to putting your mind at rest about what is wrong and secondly having a sound diagnosis will also give you guidelines for your physical limitations.

Secondly, after you have the diagnosis, involve the doctor or physical therapist in a frank discussion about dos and don'ts. Maybe that's an uncomfortable subject for you, but these days we are talking more openly about sex and you should tap into the doctor's experience here. In a perfect world the doctor would open the discussion for you, but if they don't you may have to initiate it. Ideally your partner should be present because he or she will have his or her own questions and concerns.

Starting off right
To start sex off right, begin with a massage, or ice down the painful area. A warm shower together might help too. That way, the muscles are relaxed.

Positions
Here are some sexual positions that can help you enjoy a pain-free experience.

For males:

Lay on a firm surface and use pillows to support your knees and head. You might like to try placing a small rolled towel under your lower back.

Try a side-by-side position.

Place a pillow under your lower back while your partner straddles you on top. You can also sit in a sturdy chair instead of lying down.

For females:

Try missionary position with the legs bent toward the chest.

Sit on the edge of a chair and have your kneel between your legs for entry.

Rear entry may also be more comfortable for women with back pain. Try it kneeling on the bed or lying on your belly with a pillow under her chest.

Sit on your partner's lap facing away from him as he sits in a chair.

Remember, the health of your back is dependent on many dynamic factors. Your symptoms may change over time so you may need to work with your health care provider from time to time as you go through the many stages of recovery. A word of caution is in order at this point. It is pretty common to begin feeling better and then overdo it and have your back pain symptoms flair up. We call this, the whoopee effect and it can happen to anyone. Just remember that as you improve gradually, so should your activity level also increase gradually.

As I mentioned earlier pain has two parts. There is the physical part. This is the actual stimulation of the nerve, like a painful tooth or a herniated disc pressing on the nerve. And then there is the subjective or the psychological part. This is how it feels to you and includes, among other things, such attitudes as fear that it will get worse or last forever, what will it means to be chronically disabled, and what you believe your partner thinks about it as well as how you are coping with your condition.

So, at the top of your agenda there needs to be a frank discussion of your pain limitations and expectations about sex. It is a mistake to believe that your partner understands what it feels like. It is your responsibility to communicate those limitations as clearly as possible; it is their responsibility to listen and try to understand. Pain, after all, is invisible and subjective. That means your pain is unique to you. We have heard people liken back pain to everything from a hot poker going down one or both legs to a chronic aching sensation localized to the lumbar area. It doesn't matter what words you use, just try to explain the pain, what causes it (position, certain movements, or whatever), and what feels good or is what is comfortable for you.

Is it obvious that if it hurts, don't do it is generally good advice but some positions and techniques hurt more than others? It may require some gentle experimentation to find out what works but as in most sex advice, "gentle" is the best place to start.

In terms of maximizing sexual pleasure, it is very important to stress that all you really need is your imagination and the willingness to experiment to open up new areas of intimacy. But it all begins with willingness to try. And given that, you just may find that the lemon of back pain can be turned into the lemonade of new sources of mutual pleasure.

2008-07-27T14:37:00.000-07:00

For The Goddess In You: What is tantric sex?

Tantric sexuality is a sacred expression of romantic love that comes out of the ancient Hindu tradition, which honors the divine feminine and divine male. It teaches that divine love can be attained through a loving partnership between a man and woman. Because Tantra treats the loving exploration of sexual pleasures as a sacred act, it can unite partners and inspire intimacy on all levels.

What it means
In Sanskrit, tantra means "expansion." Evidence of tantric rituals date back nearly five millennium. Practitioners of Tantric Yoga are taught sexual play and sexual union early on in life. Women passed knowledge along to children. Sex was just one of 65 arts, which included singing, breathing, meditation, chanting, writing and drawing, tattooing and making beds and spreading out carpets and cushions for reclining. One of the reasons tantric sexuality is so attractive to modern men and women is because it creates a sacred container for lovemaking that is very healthy for both partners. It honors our bodies, our sensual natures and our power. It gives men and woman a way to be close without some of the typical barriers, such as shame, or fear of being known by another. Men have the chance to truly honor their women because Tanta is a spiritual practice in which the female is revered, treated like a Goddess; her pleasure is the first priority.

This kind of intimacy and devotion to sexual love comes with practice and patience. It requires a partner who wants to love you as fully and deeply as possible. It offers a way to develop deeper intimacy and sharing between couples. Even single people can study up on it and work on developing a "tantra antenna" that can help draw the right partner to them when ready. The first key, of course, is to give ourselves that love and be willing to learn and experiment.

It is widely believed that the woman initiates her man to sacred pleasures -- rather than waiting for a fully trained "Tantra Man" to show up. You can inspire your partner to a higher love or, if single, you can do some homework, and prepare for a tantric loving. Eventually, couples engage in a back-and-forth exchange of energies so intimate, and so unifying, there is this great sense of oneness.

Tips for testing tantra
Tantric sex is not something for first dates, but to get started, you will find a tantric kind of "soul connection" though the eyes. Practice seeing into people's souls. Eye contact is an aspect of tantra you can use any time. � and it is not necessarily sexual or romantic. However, when you look deeply into someone's eyes you connect with them intimately and completely.

That technique can help anyone develop immediate rapport in almost any situation. Looking into someone's eyes also helps you "know them" and get a sense of what they are about. If a person can maintain the eye contact, it is a sign that they are not afraid to see you, or be seen by you. You can also trust the eyes to tell the truth about feelings. Look into the eyes of people you are attracted to and see if you can see love. The love they have inside them, as well as the love they feel for you, is always visible in the eyes. Tantra helps us to see if a potential mate or date has that certain twinkle, or warmth, before we do anything more than kiss with our eyes!

Take classes
Modern teachers, such as Charles and Caroline Muir, who teach The Art of Concious Loving Seminars around the world, have brought tantra into the 20th century. "We've taken the original tantric customs and have done our best to translate them for modern men and women," Charles Muir explains. "Our course is designed to make you into a better kisser, lover and toucher. It's also designed to make you a better communicator." Their Secrets of Female Sexual Ecstasy, (www.sourcetantra.com) is a home study video course. This video is highly educational and also graphic.

Read up on it
Dr. Judy Kuriansky, PhD., world-renowned clinical psychologist and sex therapist is author of The Complete Idiot's Guide To Tantric Sex (Alpha Books) a comprehensive, easy to follow, hands on tantra guide that offers a spiritual view of sexual power. In addition to guiding couples on how to have more magical, playful and loving relations, she addresses dating and mating for singles and how individuals can incorporate tantra styles and practice tantric sex without a steady partner, as well as how to find the perfect tantra partner. She contends tantra can enrich all individuals regardless of age, lifestyle or relationship status and she discusses how the tantra traditions offer hope and healing in the world today.

2008-07-27T14:32:00.000-07:00

How to flirt with text messaging

If you’re like most girls, the idea of sending your lover a sexy text can be quite exciting. It also doesn’t hurt knowing that the little ding of the cell phone text could alert your lover while he’s in a meeting, in class, or in line somewhere. No matter where he is, he can get your message -- loud and clear.

There are so many benefits to sending naughty text messages. For starters, they are a great way to keep the spice in your relationship. If you want to let your man know what you’re thinking but have a hard time saying it, the text will do it for you!

Likewise, if you’ve just started dating and you’re ready to move to that next level, a text will certainly have him ready for what you want to give him. But the best reason to send them is that they are safe and fun.

In the age of technology, you can start the foreplay mentally before you are even in your lover’s presence. Once upon a time, two lovers at work might toy with cyber sex over instant messengers. These days you can have text love, which will keep you both hot until you finally are together and able to do what you’ve been talking about all day long.

how 2 sxy txt

The problem is that with texting is that you only have so many words and characters to say everything you want to say.

But you don't have to over-complicate things -- when it comes to texting, less is more. You're not writing a novel, but just delivering a fun, sexy hello.

Here are ten ideas to get you started:

u look hot 2day
hey baby
i want to touch u
wanna come play?
thinking bout u right now
what r u wearing?
cnt wait 2 c u
thx 4 lst nite
guess what im wearing
u r so sxy

If you want more inspiration, Virgin Mobile might have you covered. A new site has been created called Let's Have Txt, which will teach you more about how to write those dirty messages that are so fun to send.

It's also a great place to go if you are apprehensive about sending those naughty text messages. You can go and choose a helpful professional that will work with you and teach you a thing or two about sending hot erotic messages -- the same kinds of messages you wish to send that special someone. Your lover will be shocked and satisfied when he finds that naughty girl he may not have seen in quite some time!

It will definitely set the scene for a hot night, whether you are doing it for a special occasion like Valentine’s Day or just because you want to have a memorable evening any day of the week. (You can even send a sexy message thanking him for the night before... and of course, this might lead to an encore performance.)

I don’t know about you, but just that thought alone has me ready to text and to get the verbal foreplay rolling!

2008-07-27T14:24:00.000-07:00

How to watch porn

by Ashtyn Evans

I know it’s not traditional for a woman to admit it, but I like porn. There I said it. I don’t think there is anything wrong with liking porn. It shows off sex, and sex feels good. Hell, sex looks good, too -- given the right positions and people involved.

This is not to say I like all porn though. I don’t prefer the hokey, made after a mainstream movie porn (Schindler’s Fist, anyone?). Come to think of it, there are actually five main things that I don’t like when it comes to porn.

1. UNINTERESTED WOMEN
There is nothing worse than watching a movie and seeing the girl sit/lay completely still with no reaction whatsoever. Alright, well, she might moan or fake a scream of pleasure, but it’s obvious that she’s not feeling it. I understand that she has to appear to be into it (thus the moans), but if she obviously looks like she's just pretending to enjoy it, what good does that do anyone?

2. MEN WHO ONLY MOVE IN ONE THRUST PATTERN
While I recognize that there are men out there that do this, there are two problems. First, these are men that rarely make women orgasm. Second, these guys are not getting a lot of sex. This makes them appear uninterested too. If they aren’t going to offer something that women cannot find in their own bedroom, they cannot expect women to be fans.

3. OVERLY-HAIRY WOMEN
Luckily there is an entire section of videos specifically for people that like overtly hairy women. If I am watching, I prefer neat or shaved. Anything less gives me the willies. I end up spending all the time looking at the bush and not anything else. It’s very distracting. I don’t know about you, but that’s not making me hot.

4. CUM SHOTS
From a marketing standpoint I understand cum shots. I do! They really aren’t very attractive though. In fact, they make me giggle. It amuses me how some men shoot so much further than others and some just drip. It makes me laugh just thinking about it. Besides, it looks too much like snot onscreen to be sexy. No one wants to be snotted on.

5. THE STANDARD PORN METHOD
Those of you who watch porn know what I am talking about. It goes something like… kiss, chest rub, blow job, optional clit lick, vaginal, anal, hand job, cum shot. Naturally this is changed up slightly if it’s a threesome. Usually there is some back and forth going on…. or doggie style and blow job, if its two guys/one girl.

FIGURING OUT WHAT YOU LIKE
With all of that in mind, once you watch enough, you will know what to look for if you want foreplay or if you want to laugh at a movie with a bunch of your friends. Coming up I will be offering some videos you might want to look for -- and some movies you will definitely want to avoid!

2008-07-27T14:19:00.000-07:00

A day in the life of a phone sex operator

by Sedona Day

“What are you wearing?” they invariably ask. I’m sure they’d choke on their spit if I told them the truth: flannel shirt, sweater, long johns, sweat pants, and fuzzy socks.

The life of a phone sex operator

In order to keep with my phone sex persona, I usually say something like, “Oh, I’m just lounging around in my red, silk robe. I’m totally naked underneath. Don’t you just love how silk makes a woman’s nipples stand out?”

Yawn...

But that usually gets them going.

Such is a day in the life of a phone sex operator. We are phone actresses, nothing more and nothing less. Unfortunately, in our puritanical society, I usually have to keep what I do for a living a closely guarded secret. If you’re in the adult business, you just don’t admit to such a thing in “polite society.”

I’m always amazed that actors and actresses can do steamy, nude sex scenes, and they’re not looked down upon. Yet we in the phone sex business don’t get naked (sweat pants and flannel are our friends!), and we certainly don’t physically touch someone. We may touch someone emotionally and mentally, but that’s all the touching we do.

A sexy skill set

In order to be a good phone sex operator, we need incredible story-telling abilities, as well as acting abilities. Depending on the niche, we may also have to fake orgasms on cue. I don’t know why most men believe we actually do orgasm with them -- I guess they think women get turned on in 75 seconds with a stranger. Or maybe they believe our phone is somehow hooked up to a vaginal device that vibrates every time the phone rings.

Many phone sex callers are just lonely, single men who want more of a connection than pornography gives them. They want to flirt a little bit and then orgasm with someone. Then there are other phone sex callers who just want to bark out a few orders, breathe heavy, grunt, and hang up.

Starting out

I was nervous when I started as a phone sex operator. My first caller sounded lonely, so that put me at ease. By his voice, I’d say he was in his sixties and a little cantankerous. He was a good ol’ Southern boy who immediately asked me if I could give him my home phone number, instead of having to pay for phone sex. I have no idea why he thought I’d give away phone sex for free, especially within only 90 seconds of “knowing” him.

I’ve noticed a pattern among phone sex callers, though. They seem to think the world revolves around their dangling parts and that their almighty erection is holy. Everything that spews forth from the holy phallus is somehow manna from heaven. But I digress...

This good ol’ boy’s fantasies revolved around my sweaty workout clothes, then he wanted to hear my pee. I had read in the past that some men are in to that, so I wasn’t speechless, although I silently giggled. Fortunately, the place where I took this call was in my kitchen, which also had a half bathroom off to the side. I took some bottled water out of the refrigerator and poured it into the toilet. It made a loud peeing sound. I felt pretty proud of myself for thinking on my feet like that. I don’t orgasm on cue, and I certainly don’t pee on cue!

While I’ve had thousands of calls since this good ol’ boy’s one and only call, I’ll probably always remember him. He was my first -- the one who popped my phone sex cherry.

I’ve learned a lot over the last few years of being in the phone sex industry -- about myself, sexuality, and men. Dealing so closely with other people’s bizarre sexuality can take its toll on a person, and I’m no exception. I often have to take a step back and laugh. Sex is funny, if you really think about it, and I’ve had quite a few laughs doing "phone boning."

2008-07-27T14:01:00.000-07:00

Does losing weight mean better sex?

by Erica Zucco

You already know that maintaining a healthy weight boosts your immune system, keeps cute pants fitting and ups your metabolism, but can it make for better sex?

You’ve probably heard that exercising can increase sex drive…and it can. Exercising increases blood flow, often directed towards the pelvic area, but this doesn’t last for too long. A big part of the buzz about fat burn leading to a hotter time in bed has more to do with men than women. In overweight men, blood often has trouble effectively flowing to the penis, leading to erectile dysfunction.

But for many women, however, weight loss leading to better sex has more to do with your mind than your metabolism. Diplomate of Clinical Sexology and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist Michelle L. Delevante says women’s body image proves significant in determining the way a woman acts and feels in the bedroom.

“In order to truly enjoy pleasure and fully immerse yourself in an intimate encounter, you need to feel comfortable with being vulnerable and losing your inhibitions,” Delevante explains. “If your focus is on covering up your ‘flawed’ body, not being seen naked, hoping he or she won’t touch you ‘there,’ then the result can be detached woman uncertain of herself and sexually unassertive. The pure pleasure of being sexual can be diminished and limited.”

For many women, letting go in bed and ignoring societal images of the “perfect body” for an adult women isn’t so simple. While you may not have Tyra Banks’ perfect legs or Anna Kournikova’s athletic, chiseled waistline, you can be comfortable in your body and enjoy sex completely, and a lot has to do with the way you think. Delevante provided some solutions that will help you to let go and surrender yourself to pleasure.

1. Enjoy and celebrate your personal sexuality.

Whether it’s your mother-in-law, ex-boyfriend or the Vogue magazine in the checkout line at Walgreens, women are constantly bombarded with images of women in size double-zero jeans and side comments such as “you’re looking rather curvy lately,” or “are you sure you want that second slice of cheesecake?” It can be difficult to feel good about yourself--- and even harder when you’re completely naked and surrendering yourself to the judgment of someone else. But here’s the thing that many women forget: you’re having sex because that man loves your body, and he likes it just the way it is.

“Women should cease identifying what they don’t like or wish to change about their bodies and instead stand proud in the mirror and identify things we love about our bodies,” Delevante suggests. Whether it’s your voluptuous chest, smooth skin or brilliant smile, figure out what you love most about yourself, and flaunt it--- in and out of bed. Believe it or not, you are a sexual goddess, and that man is lucky to be lying next to you!

2. Immerse yourself in the moment.

Now that you feel beautiful and appreciated, remember that sex is less about what you look like than what you do and the way that you make love.

“We must focus on the beautiful gift we have and tune into the amazing sensations we feel when being touched, caressed and held,” Delevante explains. Enjoy the way that he strokes your hair, massages your body and hold you tight: close your eyes and just think about the way that it feels.

“Letting go of expectations, moving your body freely, and letting breathing flow naturally while having sex can improve the amount of pleasure during lovemaking,” says Delavante. “Allowing your partner to explore your body and get lost in the moment can assist in countering those intrusive, negative thoughts.” Delevante’s suggestion? Explore your body, get to know it, become acquainted with it and love it!

3. When it comes to weight, your own happiness is key.

Without positive self-image, weight loss doesn’t do all that much. It is important to be healthy, and eating right and exercising regularly serves your body in plenty of ways. But don’t make achieving the perfect, “sexual” body your goal.

“I have treated several women that have lost weight or had gastric bypass surgery in hopes that they’d feel better about their bodies,” said Delevante. “Unfortunately, they were displeased with the results as they maintained their poor body image and continued to suffer from low self-esteem.”

The bottom line? Being healthy is, obviously, very important. But when it comes to sexual satisfaction, pleasure relies more on your mind and the way you choose to view yourself and the act of sex. And if you aren’t happy with your body during sex, ask your partner how it makes him feel during sex: chances are, you are more than perfect just the way you are.

2008-07-27T13:53:00.000-07:00

Remedies for premature ejaculation

by Brian Josepher

This past week I received the following e-mail from a reader: “I am confused and I don’t know where else to turn. I have this problem.I suffer from premature ejaculation.I can’t think of anything more humiliating. I know the trick about picturing something ugly. The trouble is, I can’t keep that picture in my mind. I’m like overtaken by the intensity and I just lose it. Is there anything else you can suggest?”

I don’t usually do this but I’ll share a little bit of my personal life here. I’ve experienced premature ejaculation too. It’s part of sex. The experience can be so overpowering, the energy so focused and relentless, that yes, we just lose it.

What you need is a diversion. Something to take your mind off the intensity, something to unfocus your energy. Here’s a list of the first five things that come to mind. Feel free to use more than one simultaneously, if the need should arise.

1) Listen to bad music during the lovemaking.

I’ll even suggest a tune: Debbie Boone’s “You Light Up My Life.”

“So many nights I sit by my window

Waiting for someone to sing me his songs

So many dreams I kept deep inside me

Alone in the dark but now

You’ve come along”

Yuck. Can you imagine ejaculating prematurely while that’s playing? No way. The syrupy sentimentality is a sure turn off.

And if for whatever reason that doesn’t do the trick, consider a different version of “You Light Up My Life.” The duet sung by Pat and Debbie Boone.

“Rollin’ at sea, adrift on the water

Could it be finally I’m turning for home?

Finally, a chance to say hey,

I love you
Never again to be all alone”

This is a father and daughter we’re talking about. Fathers and daughters should never sing romantic duets. There should be a law.

And if for whatever reason that doesn’t do the trick, consider a different version of “You Light Up My Life.” The duet sung by Donnie and Marie Osmond. This is a brother and sister we’re talking about.

2) Turn on the television.

I know, I know, there’s no way she’ll go for it. But I’m not talking about watching football. Let her choose the programming. All you’re after is the background noise and the image to distract you.

If she lets you choose the programming, watch a comedian. There’s some incredible footage of Chris Farley from his Saturday Night Live days. There’s no way you’ll ejaculate prematurely with Matt Foley in the room. He’s the motivational speaker living in a van… down by the river.

3) Wear condoms.

If I sound like an advertisement for safe sex, good. But condoms also serve a function here. They slow everything down. Getting that thing out of the package, unrolled and on is a form of gymnastics. Use that time to calm down. This in fact is the most effective time to picture something ugly. Personally, I’m a fan of Ronald Reagan. Yes, that’s right. I picture the old man while I unpackage the condom. A sure relaxant.

4) There is a sex toy worth considering.

Desensitizing penis creams. These are “control creams,” according to the advertising, to “keep it hard and strong, all night long.” If that’s really what you want.

Because this is America, the land of choice, these desensitizing creams come in different substances. There’s Ginseng Root and Hemp Seed and Benzocaine and even cherry Benzocaine. Yum. The Benzocaine numbs the head of the penis. There’s a spray too, for less mess.

I’m not sure how these others work. The hemp, I assume, gets you high and silly, which reduces the overall intensity.

5) Finally, I’ll offer one more suggestion. I alluded to it in number three. Men need to take breaks.

Consider a sports analogy. In football and basketball, there are timeouts and ends of quarters. In baseball, the inning ends. In tennis, there’s a change of serve. Why are these breaks built into the games? For the players to relax and reinvigorate. Why is sex any different?

2008-07-27T13:42:00.000-07:00

Sexy, fun and functional thongs, underwear, panties and knickers

by Aly Walansky

"I am commando girl. Why in the world would you want a little thing up your butt when you can go free?" Indeed, why would you? So said American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson after beating out the competition, and then added that she had gone without underwear for the entire duration of the contest.

Are you, too, a commando girl? Technically, the vernacular for girls is actually free-buffing. It's playful, it's mildly exhibitionist (unless you're Britney Spears)... and not very practical. The idea, thus, is to achieve the freedom and mobility of commando life -- and no visible panty lines, aka VPL -- without actually being in the buff. And so, for the rest of us, we have the thong.

Thing a thong

Celebrity wardrobe stylist Susie Esterline says the hottest styles are thongs and G-strings, boy shorts, slinky full backs and seamless undies. Obviously, we all have different body types and shapes to accommodate, but, she says, "I think all women can wear thongs."

Really? "I know some older and/or heavier women prefer a little more support and coverage, but with this comes the dreaded VPL, and I think I'd rather have a little hanging out than a big, thick line exposed through my pants," Esterline says. "Thongs are comfortable, though I know some fear that 'up the butt' feeling, even though full-backs ride up there too! Thongs say, 'I'm sexy and I know it!'"

Relationship expert/vixen Shoshanna Rikon shares her ultimate thong anecdote. "Let's just say that men appreciate it when I decide to wear a thong. I enjoy how sexy and naked they make me feel, even if it's like you're walking around with a permanent wedgie," she laughs. "I recently had a date with an adorable and gorgeous Frenchman... We spent four hours talking outside at a sidewalk café -- Frenchmen are notorious for being able to converse for hours."

To shake things up, Shoshanna took him to a Victoria's Secret store nearby and told him that she wanted to buy some new lingerie. "I spent the next hour teasing him as I modeled all the bras in front of him." She laughs, "He wanted me to try on a thong as well, but I told him it was only a first date and he didn't really deserve that."

Keen on comfort

"For me, as a full-figured woman, I won't compromise on fit and fabric. No scratchy lace -- no matter how pretty -- or stiff fabric that doesn't feel good against the skin. It has to have a certain amount of stretch to be comfortable, and depending on your booty shape, a high, medium or regular cut leg will be your friend. Panty lines are just not cute!" says Dianne M Daniels, a certified member of the Association of Image Consultants International and the current president of the New England chapter.

She says she prefers "a slightly stretchy knit with a wider waistband to discourage rolling and pinching." She also loves cotton for the summer, "especially if you run toward the warm side on the temperature scale."

For those who crave simple cotton comfort, Hanes Perfect Panty has no ride, no lines, no itchy tags and a perfect fit with 360-degree stretch. This underwear may not come from a designer lingerie label, but they are very comfortable and perfect to segue from day to gym to happy hour without any wardrobe complications. The Perfect Panty comes in a variety of styles and colors so it is possible to feel comfortable and look stylish underneath all your clothes. They retail for $7 for a package of two, so they don't break the bank either. (My personal favorite style is the texture bikini. Hey, if they are good enough for Oprah...)

Underwear for two

Sexy mamas is not just a pun -- there are quite a few hot pregnant ladies among us -- but sometimes finding lingerie and pretty panties in the maternity section leaves a little sexiness to be desired. Not anymore, though. Mimi Maternity's Luxury Lace Thong Collection has beautifully intricate feminine lace detail. They have all sorts of styles that make me wish I was expecting. (Well, almost.) Bella Materna also offer some cute lacy maternity thong-ish boy shorts in a pretty plum color.

Knickers for every taste

We all have days we want to be extra sexy. When that's how I'm feeling, my heart belongs to the classic trilogy of Shirley of Hollywood (whose thongs are hot, but so comfortable you feel almost like you are wearing nothing at all), Frederick's of Hollywood (check out their Leopard Bridget Lace Thong -- you'll go gaga), and Victoria's Secret.

Then there are those days we want to be a little extra sassy, and those are the days we must try Spitfire Girl's "Ride'm Cowboy" and "Yee Haw!" undies.

Does all that just whet your appetite? Well, for about 12 bucks, you can get some "candy-laced lingerie" from TastyWear.com to share with your favorite sugar addict. Even Amazon.com stocks a candy G-string -- made of those little candy beads they fashion kids' party bracelets out of.

Panties are the one accessory it's hard to live without (unless we go commando that is), and because of this, we all have opinions. Lucky for us, panties are cheap enough that we can have a wardrobe to fit our every mood.

Not just for the boys

"Boy shorts exude an understated sexiness, while also providing a bit more coverage," says Esterline. Be careful though, because boy shorts can often cut into your leg at a funky angle and will appear to shorten your legs! She suggests trying a boy short with ruffles to make the look more feminine.

"The girl who wears a boy short is showing her sex appeal while hiding her goods. Slinky or lace fullbacks give you more coverage again, but, in my opinion, are a mix between the boy short and a thong," she says. "While the cut on the leg is higher, the butt remains covered, but the sides of the legs, where the side of the panties would hit, is a very sexy part of the body -- where the leg meets the hip. The string draws attention to that area, but a girl can rest easy knowing her butt is covered," Esterline says, and adds, "Also, a lace option is always a sexy option!"

The bottom lines

"Good bikini underwear is a basic, as is a G-string, if you're comfortable in it," says dating advice expert April Masini. "Try out a thong and a G-string to see what is more comfortable for you. Although they are guilty of being the butt of all butt floss jokes, G-strings are also the antidotes to panty lines and the next best thing to going commando."

G-strings, she insists, are also surprisingly comfortable. "If you're experimenting, grab an inexpensive Victoria's Secret or Frederick's of Hollywood G-string and thong and see which works better for you. You want a sleek form-fitting shape and line." She also recommends making sure you have classic whites in your panty/bra wardrobe as well as basic black.

Feeling s-s-s-sexy

I have kept two New Year's resolutions in my entire life. One was to drink only champagne if it was available. The second was to only wear matching bra-and-panty sets. "For me, it doesn't matter if it's a thong, boy shorts, panties... as long as the bra matches, I'm the sexiest thing on two legs," says Mela Kucera.

"What I recommend to women is to wear panties that are pretty, flattering and make them feel sexy. If a G-string is making you walk like you have a disability, don't wear it. If you feel sexy in a thong wear it, but if you feel self-conscious, don't. Self-conscious behavior is not sexy," Masini says. "If you're not sure, have your best friend take a look and give you a brutally honest opinion. Or better yet -- ask your man what he likes to see you in."

2008-07-27T13:32:00.000-07:00

The tiny gal's tricks of the trade: Small but sexy breasts

by Aly Walansky

Those of you reading this do not know me. Thus, I can get away with telling you all sorts of wild stories about my sensual prowess. And, while it may be true that I’m flaxen-haired and have an affinity for bar-top dancing, were I to claim I was blessed with hot curves and a billowing bosom, it’d be a bold-faced lie.

Apparently, when God was giving out cleavage, my mom was in the wrong checkout line.

We all have our secrets, we all have our beliefs, and we all have our covert weapons. For those of us nature forgot to give cleavage to, enhancing and making the most of what we have is a constant uphill battle. “I always figure, it's best not to wear a heavily padded bra, because when I undress my breasts wind up in the laundry basket,” says Agnes Gomes-Koizumi of the AGK Media Group.

“As a chronically small-busted woman living in a city of overwhelmingly distracting cleavage, I have tried every non-surgical method of bust enhancement that is on the market today,” says Stephanie Hagopian. “The biggest problem with enhancing one's cleavage is doing it in a way that won't totally disappoint/surprise the man you're with when said enhancement goes flying under the bed."

That somewhat takes most of the inserts out of the running -- though they're still fun to try out every once in a while. (In fact, Stephanie recommends Bliss Spa’s Nu Bra Backless Strapless Bra to spruce up your décolletage.)

“The topic of small breasts is a huge one for the mental health of our culture,” says Nili Sachs, psychotherapist and author of Booby Trapped: How to Feel Normal in a Breast-Obsessed World. She says 85 percent of women have poor relations with their breasts and have a general feeling of shame about size and shape that grows worse as our culture obsesses more about them.

Have a problem finding your size?

Itty BittyBra was created for small-chested women. The sizes are 32 AAs, As, and Bs through 36As. And if you are looking for the maximum in uplift and cleavage, Evolution by Margarita Couture is by far the most amazing thing to come into my wardrobe…ever. The bra’s built-in sculpted graduated cups are designed to create a natural look, either under clothes or worn alone. (This, I’ve found, in push-up bras, is rare.) Extra points for really hot interchangeable straps that allow each bra to be worn five different ways. The Evolution bra is available at brastraps.com.

Pushhhhhh them up

We all have a few push-up bras in our wardrobe -- those are a great idea even if you are already well-endowed. But not all are created equal. The sexiest of the sexy bras for tiny things come from, believe it or not, Frederick's of Hollywood. A certain 34A girl we all know and love wears her Hollywood Extreme Cleavage bra religiously -- to much fanfare!

Sexy little things that we are (or try to be to catch our desired attention), push-up bras can not be the be all, end our entire enhancement. Shirley of Hollywood sells uniquely bold and sexy intimate apparel, and has taken special consideration to design sexy lingerie, corsets, bustiers and assorted underthings for the smaller sizes that are often ignored by other lingerie companies.

Other ways to make the most of what you've got

First and foremost: Stand up straight, shoulders back. This tip alone is worth at least a cup size! Second: Choose flattering clothing -- fitted but not tight, and try on a variety of different necklines to see what flatters your particular body shape the most. Finally, check out these great tips on an old Hollywood trick: using makeup to enhance your cleavage.

You don't have to go for bust

Fortunately, there are still many celebrities who not only don't give into the "bigger is better" vibe -- such as Mischa Barton and Kate Hudson at the top of this page -- but they actually don't try to conceal the fact that their boobs are about 1/20th of the size of Pam Anderson's surgically enhanced models.

As with men, size doesn't matter nearly as much as knowing how to use what you do have!

2008-07-27T13:18:00.000-07:00

5 factors to consider when buying and wearing high heels for romance

High heels make many women look sexy and feel sexy -- and they can be empowering when worn with some sensibility. Here are some high heels tips to remember next time you are down for a little romance!

1. How high can you go?

Determine the maximum height of the heel you can
wear without toppling over or suffering great agony. Imagine posing in your high heels and giving him the come hither look... and then tumbling over in a heap as you attempt to approach him and release your inner vixen. Not what you imagined!

You want to look and feel authoritative, alluring and powerful. Start with a 3- or 4-inch heel and work your way up.

2. Select a comfortable shoe size

When wearing high heel shoes above 1- to 2-inch height difference, your feet will tend to be pushed forward in your shoes. If you are uncertain about your real size, simply take the time and effort for an exact measurement. Then choose a size larger that you would normally wear to avoid what I call "the onion bunion effect." A reasonable formula is below:

For high heels between 2 to 3 1/2 inches -- go with 1/2 size larger.
For high heels between 4 to 6 inches -- go with 1 full size larger.
For high heels 6 1/2 inches and above -- go with 1-1/2 sizes larger.

3. Open or shut?

Decide if you prefer open toe or closed toe high heel shoes. Do not jam your foot into high heels shoes or choose a shoe that will force your toes together -- you don't want Vienna sausage toes the next day! You may try choosing open-toe high heel shoes instead of a similarly styled heel that causes discomfort in your toes. (Check out the Christian Louboutin Ambrosina pumps below -- a fave among Hollywood's elite.)

Again, you want to increase your confidence and feel good during your transformation. Wincing in pain as he caresses the length of your legs is not sexy.

4. Practice standing

Slipping on a pair of sexy high heel shoes can make your legs look really great. And you'll be anxious to use your shoes to your advantage and make them work for you when the occasion demands.

However, you have to stand before you can walk. How do you do that? Practice, practice, practice! Try standing in your high heels shoes for a couple minutes a day -- about 10-15 minutes should do it.

Got Wilma Flintstone feet? You're not alone. This little exercise will help get your feet accustomed to the shoe and it will gently stretch the shoe to the shape of your foot.

5. Prepare to walk

I know, I know. The shoes look fantastic on your feet and you feel they have enhanced you femininity and the sophistication of your look. You are ready to strut! But, slow down. Just as you practiced standing in the high heels shoes, you now have to graduate to walking in them. Think of it as training.

Walking in high heels shoes is a major adjustment -- not just for your feet but also for your entire body. Attempt to walk in them for about 20 minutes a day, preferably in the evening. As you walk in your high heel shoes, it should be part of your plan of seduction, not a plan of attack. To look graceful, take small steps, not long strides. Then, gradually increase your time walking in them around the house.

As you get use to wearing higher heeled shoes, do not forget to go flat or barefoot, too! High heels are not recommended for every-day, all-day wear. Save the use of your high-heeled shoes for occasions or functions in which you will not be on your feet for extended periods of time. Pumps and stiletto heels should be worn for short time spans -- I suggest two to four hours maximum.

High-heeled shoes can enable you to turn from day to day lady to night vamp in one easy step. With some practice, time and effort, you will strut in your high heel shoes and cause a commotion every time he sees you wearing them.

2008-07-27T13:14:00.000-07:00

Restart your sex drive

The popularity of television shows like Sex and the City has shown that women are interested in sex. Unfortunately, real life tends to get in the way. From taking care of the kids, the house and oftentimes dealing with work on top of that, there isn't always enough time or energy left over at the end of the day.

Despite the challenges, there are women who are enjoying an increased sex drive after kids, but for many it remains a continuing problem. Here, moms share their hints and tips about what has helped them improve their sex drive.

Be comfortable with yourself

One of the reasons many women report an increase in sex drive as they get closer to age 30 is because they begin to feel comfortable with themselves. Having a child forces women to focus on the good things their bodies do, and for some this feeling carries over and permanently changes how they see themselves.

"Having a son made it actually 'hit home' that I was a woman. A lot had to do with my inner feelings about myself," says Joyce Anthony of Pennsylvania.

Get help in other aspects of life

Don't try to do everything yourself. If you're too tired to stay awake for sex, it obviously isn't going to happen. Ask your partner to help out. If they know that it will make you more likely to be open to sex later, many partners will jump at the chance. Aline Zoldbrod, PhD, a Boston-based sex therapist and author of Sex Talk: Uncensored Exercises for Exploring What Really Turns You On urges women to "stop being a superwomen." "You will never feel sexual if you are exhausted and depleted and up to the gills in responsibility. Ask for help. Buy the brownies, don't bake them."

Spice things up

Sometimes all it takes to get things moving again is a change in scenery. Try staying at a hotel for the weekend to get away from your regular life. Look at your partner suggestively while at a party. Sleep in the nude. Try something different sexually that you have always wanted to try.

"Initiate sex," recommends Rhea Palmer from Tennessee. "Buy some sexy panties and wear just them to bed. Take control and be sure he knows what you want. I think foreplay is the key to anyone who has a lower sex drive."

Get physical

Getting physically active can help women increase their sex drive in two ways. First, we feel better about ourselves, so we are more likely to feel comfortable enough to be intimate with our partners. Second, according to Debbie Mandel, author of Turn on Your Inner Light: Fitness for Body, Mind, and Soul, exercising releases hormones that raise your libido. Strength training in particular helps releases testosterone, which increases sexual desire.

Try it, you'll like it

Many women, especially those with younger children, are very reluctant to give up sleep for sex. When they are "on call" 24/7, sleep becomes a precious commodity.

"I really think it all boils down to exhaustion in my case" states Kate*, a mother of two in Pennsylvania. "I'm just too tired. If I get a few minutes to myself, I just want to sit, and veg, and interact with no one."

While many women agree with these sentiments, some pleasantly discover that when they give in and forgo sleep for sex, they really enjoy the results. The key is remembering these times when libido is low. Sex is actually a great stress relief.

Anthony reminds women that "great sex calms your nerves, actually gives you greater energy, helps you sleep sounder and generally increases your mood."

If that doesn't work...

If, even after trying various things, your desire level is still low, you may want to try these two tactics:

One, if you had a sex drive before, think about what has changed. Zoldbrod recommends making "a list of the ingredients of your 'sexual recipe' back in the days when you were feeling more desire. Look at the list and see how far your current experience has diverged from your old experience with sex."

Make sure you discuss this with your partner, but be careful to not lay blame. You are simply trying to brainstorm ways to make things better, not point fingers.

Two, go to your doctor. The cause may be hormonal. Sometimes problems with the thyroid can cause desire problems for women. Also ask your doctor about birth control pills. Some doctors, including Dr Andre Guay, the director of the Center for Sexual Function/Endocrinology, think that the hormones in birth control may have something to do with low desire.

Whatever the cause, increasing your sexual drive will benefit your marriage and your well being. Make the effort. Kelly Muzyczka in Pittsburgh recalled telling her husband that they were so likely to be interrupted that she would rather say no and be frustrated than say yes and be annoyed later. "I think now that I was wrong. Try anyway. It's worth it for the times you DO succeed."

2008-07-27T13:10:00.000-07:00

How to move on from rejection, break-ups and being dumped

by Bob Livingstone LCSW

Julie was engaged to be married to a man who she was going out with for two years. She believed that they had a great relationship. Suddenly, and out of the blue, he tells her that he “wants to take a break.” He is unsure of what he wants in a relationship, and he is calling off the wedding. He wants to know if they can still be friends.

Julie is devastated and suffering from the worst kind of rejection. The kind of dismissal when there is no siren warning like a tornado ripping through your living room at dawn. She had no idea that her man was going to abandon her.

She was planning her wedding and fantasized walking down the isle with her husband-to-be. All her friends and family were going to be there, smiling down upon her on this sunny, happy day. What was supposed to the greatest day of her life has turned into a nightmare.

She feels the epitome of hurt, loss and shame. What was she going to tell everyone? How was she going to deal with all the pain that came from this rejection?

In order to work through this pain, Julie can either push it away by denying its existence or face it directly. If she avoids dealing with this pain, she may have difficulty ever resolving it, and she also may suffer from physical or emotional problems. Facing this rejection is not easy, but hiding from it will not bring her peace.

You can all probably readily relate to Julie’s story here. We have all been rejected at some points in our lives. Rejection and abandonment are as much as a part of life as the sun rising in the morning is.

7 ways exercise heals the pain of abandonment:

• First of all, realize that feeling traumatized after getting dumped in this manner is normal. There is nothing abnormal about feeling extreme anger or sadness. However, you need a way to process your feelings and work through them.

• Write down an "emotional pain question" such as “How could he do this to me?” or “How am I feeling about his abrupt abandonment of me?” or “How do I feel about him now?” The purpose of writing down this question is to prepare you to focus on it once you begin your exercise.

• Any aerobic exercise for fifteen minutes or more will increase your endorphin levels and bring about a feeling of calmness. Walking, running, skating, and swimming are some forms of exercise that you can participate in. Exercise increases the serotonin levels that improve mood and increases another brain neurotransmitter called norepinephrine, which teaches the body how to handle stress.

• Focus on your "emotional pain question" while you are exercising. While you are working out, the brain chemistry changes, and it gives you a sense of self-confidence and inner peace. That in turn provides the strength to face your emotional pain with increased clarity; an action that may be impossible to do while sedentary because the feelings of loss are too overwhelmingly frightening.

• Listen to music that provokes an emotional response while you are working out and focusing on your "emotional pain question." Choose music that you know will bring up intense memories of your former lover or other songs that trigger earlier memories. Sometimes these earlier memories can help us gather up the strength to deal with heart break.

• While you are self-questioning, exercising and listening to music, you will notice that you will deeply feel your pain. This program teaches you how to go into the pain in a safe way. It is not uncommon for folks to find relief after their initial work out. You may also discover new insights about yourself and begin to feel more optimistic about the future.

• After your workout, write down your thoughts and feelings in journal form. You will notice that writing down your experience will further advance your feelings of sadness, anger and betrayal. Eventually you will learn to accept this devastating loss and move on with your life. You will no longer feel like a victim, and your heart will be open for positive energy that may come your way.

2008-07-27T12:42:00.000-07:00

Top eight movies to watch after a breakup

by ichi nuraini

Breakups are tough – there’s no question about that. But when it comes to coping with heartbreak, what’s the best way to get over it? For some, rebound boyfriends are part of the “moving on” process. For others, alone time will suffice. For me, self discovery would be in order. And I do that with the help of some movies.

If you’re going through heartache, watch these for some necessary realizations in love…

1. The Sweetest Thing

You might just realize you’re like Cameron Diaz in this movie. Maybe you do sabotage good relationships and find things wrong with guys you date because you’re a bit of a commitment phobe? Regardless, this fun chick flick will clue you in on one thing: For the right guy, you will open up and refrain from ruining a good thing.

2. Sliding Doors

When one door closes, another one opens. That’s a good mantra to have after a sad end to what you thought was a good relationship. As hard as it is to believe, you have to know that you’re on a path that will eventually lead to something better. In this Gwyneth Paltrow love story, you’ll see how even the slightest change will reroute your heart. But at the end of the day, you’ll be right where you belong.

3. August Rush

Chances are, this ex-boyfriend of yours isn’t “the one.” Believing there’s a perfect match for you out there is just as important as moving forward after a failed relationship. Not convinced? If you watch this Keri Russell and Jonathan Rhys Meyers, you’ll become a believer. In the movie, two star-crossed lovers misplace each other. Spoiler alert! Their lovechild, an orphan, brings them back together like some kind of miracle.

4. Closer

After a breakup, watching people more messed up than you with even more horrific relationships can be soothing. In this movie, starring Natalie Portman, Jude Law, Julia Roberts, and Clive Owen, you’ll witness betrayal, lust and a lot of drama. You’ll also witness Natalie’s character rise above all of the mess. Trust me, the last scene will make you realize walking away from a bad situation was the best thing you’ve ever done.

5. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

Where would you be without your girlfriends? There’s nothing like talking with your lady pals after a breakup. They really get you through tough times, don’t they? This movie, starring America Ferrara, Blake Lively, Alexis Bledel, and Amber Tamblyn, celebrates the friendships that travel with us. Our BFFs are our rocks, and when men treat us less than fab, it’s our pals who nurse us back to health.

6. Love Actually

Yes, love exists. Colin Firth, Liam Neeson, Keira Knightly and Hugh Grant prove just that in this love escapade of a movie. This romance/holiday flick demonstrates various ways of lovin’ (not the dirty kind – relax). During heartbreak, it may be hard to see the silver lining – odds are you think love is crap. But if you catch this film, your faith in romance will be restored.

7. Amelie

Rough situations like breakups can derail our mental states. You might be able to relate to Amelie. She grew up a little on the strange side. Her father thought she had a heart defect so as a little girl, she rarely had contact with other people. She finally grows up and settles into a life in Paris. Partly due to her unusual upbringing, the waitress becomes consumed with people around her – it’s like she worried more about them than herself. Upon realizing she was damaging her own quest for love, she decides to assert herself to find the love she’s always dreamed of. Now it’s your turn.

8. A Lot Like Love

Timing is everything. Perhaps the reason you and whatshisface broke up is to make room for that guy who manages to come around at inopportune times. And if he looks anything like Ashton Kutcher and can make you laugh, even better. Now’s your chance – maybe both you and your on-again/off-again rebound guy have a chance!

2008-07-27T12:18:00.000-07:00

Bedroom taboos: 3 sex secrets

by
Amy Block-Muzekari

If it's a bedroom taboo -- he likes it. If it's far from the conventional missionary position -- he likes it. Like boys, men are often attracted to a challenge and anything off-limits.A guy may share his sexual fantasies or secrets. He may even question his own desires -- especially if they're not conventional. But here are some sexual secrets and insight into male desires that'll get any man excited!

SEX SECRET #1
Men are visual. He sometimes wants to sit back and enjoy the show. This can mean watching you dance seductively, caress yourself, and truly bring yourself pleasure. Make some noise. Moan. Talk dirty.

This shows him that you're comfortable with your body, tell him you're not some uptight prude who's afraid of letting loose and feeling good. Remember, your turn-on is his turn-on.

If you can let go of your inhibitions and enjoy your own pleasurable caresses -- even pretend that no one is watching -- he'll get hot and bothered and enjoy the challenge of having to wait until it's his turn to do the touching.

SEX SECRET #2
Anal sex. This may not cross either partner's mind during the first few rounds of heated passion, and it may not be something you want to experience with someone in the early stages of dating. But sooner or later, when you've established some level of commitment or consistent relationship with a man, he's ready for some variety.

A man should know to be gentle, and if he tries to make his way into the other side with a little too much force, just ask him to take it more slowly. Any decent, normal guy does not enjoy pleasure if it causes a woman pain. In fact, your pleasure is usually his biggest turn-on.

Most of all, relax. That area is charged with sensation; if you just let go, and tell yourself to leave reality outside the bedroom door and let your instincts and desires lead the way, you just might like what he has to offer.

SEX SECRET #3
Be the woman of his dreams -- literally. Wait until he's asleep, then make your move. Trust me, no matter how soundly he is sleeping, there is one body part that will definitely perk up when you touch it.

He'll be putty in your hands. The experience may be a bit surreal for him. He may never fully awaken, but he'll love his sexy dream and its leading actor -- you! If it's late and dark and he's sleepy, he may not be certain of where sleep ends and reality begins, but let him revel in this sleepy fantasy. He'll appreciate your initiative and awaken the next day with a satisfied smile on his face.

2008-07-26T00:43:00.000-07:00

The romantic kiss

by Larry James

What is a kiss?

A kiss has been described as the height of voluptuousness. It has a lovely, luscious and lusty legacy.

Kissing is an act of quiet intimacy and often borders on the erotic. It can be brief and cool or lengthy and hot.

It can be highly romantic, building to a succulent crescendo of emotion and passion or passed off as something that is expected and therefore no big deal.

Any day is a good excuse for pucker practice.

Two pairs of lips are for kissing. It is an essential element for communicating love and affection in your relationship.

A kiss is a secret told to the mouth instead of the ear; kisses are the messengers of love and tenderness. A kiss speaks many different meanings to its lover; when it is missing, many interpretations as to the reasons for its absence surface. These interpretations can become invisible wedges that prevent love from expressing.

When love is present, kissing is an important part of expressing that love. Pay attention to it. Breathe. Relax. Slow down. Concentrate and engage the electricity in your body.

Kissing does not always have to be a prelude to making love.

Happiness is like a kiss - in order to get any good out of it, you have to give it to someone else.

A kiss is a pleasant reminder that two heads are better than one.

This story from Pravda, the Russian News Service, shows that even in the former Soviet Union, couples are rediscovering what we refer to as "The Mighty Kiss".

In case you thought the kiss was little more than a "romantic handshake", we've decided to let you in on a little Russian research that shows that the kiss is so much more than a mere gateway to romantic expression. Here are just a few of the powerful effects the might kiss will have on you!

Kissing stabilizes cardiovascular activity, decreases high blood pressure, and lowers cholesterol.

Kissing prevents cavities and plaque build-up by stimulating saliva production while preventing gingivitis through the calcium present in saliva.

Kissing stimulates over 30 facial muscles which smoothes out skin and increase blood circulation to the face.

Kissing burns 12 calories per five-second episode and three passionate kisses a day will help you lose one pound!

Kissing prevents the formation of the stress hormone glucocorticoids which causes high blood pressure, muscle weakening and insomnia.

Kissing does its part to vaccinate people from new germs. Saliva contains bacteria, 80% of them are common to all people with 20% unique to each person. By sharing saliva with a partner, you are stimulating your immune system to respond to the different bacteria you are being exposed to. The result is that your immune system creates certain anti-bodies to these new bacteria, which in effect vaccinates you against these germs. This process is called cross-immunotherapy.

Finally, you may not be surprised to know that kissing offers an express analysis of genetic compatibility. While you are kissing, your brain conducts instant chemical analysis of your partner's saliva and issues a "verdict" of your genetic compatibility. Think about it. Don't you know much more about what you like or don't like in a person after one kiss? And kissing is much more fun than taking a relationship inventory!

Oh, did we mention kissing also cures hiccups?

The next time you want to give your sweetheart the perfect gift, may I suggest that you use your lips to speak to your sweetheart instead of your wallet. Actions speak louder than words!

Kiss someone you love today!

2008-07-26T00:39:00.000-07:00

Friends and lovers

by Larry James

My lover is my very best friend!

I am learning to see my love partner without distortion; to value her as highly as I value myself; to give without expecting anything in return; to commit myself fully to her welfare. Only then can love move freely between us without apparent effort. It's unconditional love between best friends.

When we are able to love in this selfless manner, we experience a release of energy. We cease to be consumed by the details of our relationship, or the need to operate within the artificial structure of exercises; we spontaneously treat each other with love and respect. Love becomes automatic.

My forever lover is my very best friend! I believe that friendship among lovers is essential to unconditional love and is the primary ingredient for a deep and lasting love relationship. I trust her with the deepest murmurings of my soul. She knows the best and the worst of me and yet loves me through and through -- a friend as well as a lover.

In order to experience the kind of relationship I want, I accept the fact that, in order to understand each other, my love partner and I must have clearly developed channels of communication. I cultivate transparency of myself by being a master in the art of self-disclosure. I know that when the inclination to reveal myself to the one I love is blocked, I close myself to her and experience emotional difficulties. I promise to never hide behind a facade.

I will forever practice telling my love partner exactly what pleases me, decreasing her reliance on mental telepathy. I express preferences instead of demands. I believe that I can never know myself except as an outcome of disclosing myself to her.

In ways I may not fully understand, self-disclosure helps me to see things, feel things, imagine things, hope for things that I could never have thought possible. The invitation to transparency, then, is really an invitation to authenticity. It is also an invitation to allow myself to be vulnerable.

When I allow my love partner to see me for who I really am right now, I am less afraid I will be rejected in the future. When my love partner accepts and loves me unconditionally, I know I will never have to hide in the relationship in the future.

To have inner peace it is necessary to be consistently loving in what I think, in what I say and in what I do. I think thoughts of love. I speak words of love. I demonstrate unconditional love for my love partner in all that I do.

Openness means being willing to communicate my deepest feelings. There can be no intimacy without conversation. The only way my love partner and I can truly communicate is to tell the truth. Truthful communication moves love partners and creates a condition of unity, love and satisfaction.

For intimacy to grow in a healthy love relationship there can be no withholding; feelings - both positive and negative - must be shared equally between love partners. The act of withholding the truth is always potentially a lie.

The energy required for the self-discipline of honesty is far less than the energy required for withholding. My love partner and I are dedicated to the truth and live in the open, and through the exercise of our courage to live in the open, we become free from fear. Fear cannot exist whenever insight is valued above feeling frightened.

I listen when my lover shares without making judgment. My heart is always open to hear what my love partner has to say.

Someone said that it is possible to be together so much that we suffocate each other. Perhaps. I do not allow this to happen in my love relationship. I believe that love includes letting go when my partner needs freedom; holding her close when she needs care. I am committed to creating space in my relationship when needed.

We have learned to cherish both intimacy and solitude. We never feel tied to each other.

At the heart of love, there is a simple secret: the lover lets the beloved be free. My love partner and I require different mixes of independence and mutuality, and the mix is freely discussed and renegotiated from time to time when necessary.

When two people in a love relationship are complete within themselves they do not experience the love they have for others as diminishing, detracting, or threatening to the love they share. They are secure within the relationship.

Insecurities bring forth jealousy, which, in effect, is a cry for more love. It is within your rights to ask for more affection when self-doubts surface, however, the indirect way that jealousy asks for it is counterproductive. Excessive possessiveness is inappropriate. Jealousy is the surest way to drive away the very person you may fear losing.

It is an irony that the more possessive I am, the more love I demand, the less I receive; while the more freedom I give, the less I demand, the more love I receive. I take great pleasure in watching my love partner be fully free and fully alive!

We encourage each other to widen our circle of friends. We each seek to ever expand our horizons. We enjoy celebrating life together and with friends!

I know that if I expect to be the only person who matters to my love partner I am setting myself up for disappointment. As wonderful as true love can be, no one person can meet all your needs. My love partner is, and will always be my very best friend, and she is not my only friend.

I fully expect my love partner to have other passionate interests other than me. To extend the freedom to develop her own interests in other people and hobbies can only empower our relationship. Freedom can never confine. It can never be detrimental to the relationship. It can only open up many exciting and previously undiscovered opportunities to enjoy life.

When my lover is pursuing areas in which she excels, she is happy. I enjoy her most when she is happy. People are easier to love when they are happy.

Trust is forever present in our love relationship; trust and deep commitment to each other, and loyalty and devotion. This allows us the freedom to care about people of the opposite sex and to enjoy friendships with them, and when we sit down together in the evening to share the events of the day, we do not have to ask if our love partner has been faithful.

The stronger and more secure we become, the more we are willing to be ourselves while encouraging our love partner to do the same.

Genuine unconditional love not only respects the individuality of the other but actually seeks to cultivate it, even at the risk of separation or loss. The ultimate goal remains the spiritual growth of my love partner, the solitary journey to peaks that can be climbed only alone.

I believe that no matter how committed my forever love relationship, I will always be "single" as well as a part of a couple. Unconditional love is a special, intense connection, and it is not an answer to all or even most individual problems. No one can make me happy but me.

2008-07-26T00:31:00.000-07:00

Forgiveness. . .What's it for?

Forgiveness is a gift to yourself.

Love Note. . . If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa

Forgiveness works! It is often difficult, AND it works!

We often think of forgiveness as something that someone who has done us wrong must ask of US. There is always another way of looking at something. My thoughts on forgiveness suggest that you focus on offering forgiveness TO the person who has wronged you. To not forgive them is like taking the poison (continuing to suffer for what they did or didn't do to you) and expecting THEM to die!

Alexander Pope once said, "To err is human; to forgive, Divine." Believe it!

Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It is not something you do FOR someone else. It is not complicated. It is simple. Simply identify the situation to be forgiven and ask yourself: "Am I willing to waste my energy further on this matter?" If the answer is "No," then that's it! All is forgiven.

Forgiveness is an act of the imagination. It dares you to imagine a better future, one that is based on the blessed possibility that your hurt will not be the final word on the matter. It challenges you to give up your destructive thoughts about the situation and to believe in the possibility of a better future. It builds confidence that you can survive the pain and grow from it.

Telling someone is a bonus! It is not necessary for forgiveness to begin the process that heals the hurt. Love Note. . . One pardons to the degree that one loves. - Francios De La Rochefoucauld

Choice is always present in forgiveness. You do not have to forgive AND there are consequences. Refusing to forgive by holding on to the anger, resentment and a sense of betrayal can make your own life miserable. A vindictive mind-set creates bitterness and lets the betrayer claim one more victim.

There is nothing so bad that cannot be forgiven. Nothing!

Some will argue that in the case of child abuse, the Holocaust, etc, the abuser has no "right" to forgiveness -- such blessings can only be earned -- that forgiveness only leads to further victimization. Such acts are heinous and dispicable and with time (and in many cases, therapy) they can be forgiven. Every day you may have to forgive again.

I believe that to withhold forgiveness is to choose to continue to remain the victim. Remember, you always have choice.

Love Note. . . Love is an act of endless forgiveness. - Peter Ustinov

When you forgive you do it for you, not for the other. The person you have never forgiven. . . owns you! How about an affair? Just because you choose to forgive, does not mean you have to stay in the relationship. That is only and always your choice. The choice to forgive is only and always yours.

When you feel that forgiveness is necessary, do not forgive for your "their" sake. Do it for yourself! It would be great if they would come to you and ask forgiveness but you must accept the fact that some people will never do that. That is their choice. They do not NEED to be forgiven. They did what they did and that is it - except for the consequences, which THEY must live with.

The hurts won't heal until you forgive! Recovery from wrongdoing that produces genuine forgiveness takes time. For some, it may take years. Don't rush it. It helps to focus your energy on the healing, not the hurt!

HEALTHY love relationships are not possible without forgiveness! You cannot have a loving and rewarding relationship with anyone else, much less yourself, if you continue to hold on to things that happened in the past. Regardless of the situation, making peace with past love partners, your parents, children, your boss or anyone who you think may have "done you wrong" is the only way to improve your chances of a "healthy" relationship with yourself or anyone else for that matter!

Love Note. . . Genuine forgiveness is participation, reunion overcoming the powers of estrangement. . . We cannot love unless we have accepted forgiveness, and the deeper our experience of forgiveness is, the greater is our love. - Paul Tillich

It is not possible to truly be present and available to a new relationship until you heal the hurt and upsets of the past.

Forgiving someone else is to agree within yourself to overlook the wrong they have committed against you and to move on with your life. It�s the only way. It means cutting them some slack.

"What?" you say! "Cut them some slack after what THEY did to me? Never!" Let go! Move on!

Non-forgiveness keeps you in the struggle. Being willing to forgive can bring a sense of peace and well-being. It lifts anxiety and delivers you from depression. It can enhance your self-esteem and give you hope.

Love Note. . . The things that two people in love do to each other they remember. And if they stay together, it is not because they forget, it is because they forgive. - From the movie, Indecent Proposal

Forgive and forget is a myth. You may never forget AND you can choose to forgive. As life goes on and you remember, then is the time to once again remember that you have already forgiven. Mentally forgive again if necessary, then move forward. When we allow it, time can dull the vividness of the memory of the hurt; the memory will fade.

Forgiveness is a creative act that changes us from prisoners of the past to liberated people at peace with our memories. It is not forgetfulness, but it involves accepting the promise that the future can be more than dwelling on memories of past injury.

There is no future in the past. You can never live in the present and create a new and exciting future for yourself and your love partner if you always stay stuck in the past.

If you are at war with others you cannot be at peace with yourself. You CAN let go. . . and forgive! It takes no strength to let go. . . only courage. Life either expands or contracts in direct proportion to your courage to forgive. Your choice to forgive or not to forgive either moves you closer to what you desire or further away from it. There is no middle ground. Change is constant.

Love Note. . . To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness. - Robert Muller

Want peace of mind? Forgive. The same energy you use to hold on (to not forgive), is the same energy you need to create a new and exciting relationship TOGETHER; a relationship anchored in unconditional love.

Forgiveness helps you move forward. No one benefits from forgiveness more than the one who forgives!

Give yourself the gift of forgiveness. The very word forgiveness is built on the root word give. Forgiveness releases your partner from your criticism and also releases you from being imprisoned by your own negative judgments. It is not surrender, but a conscious decision to cease to harbor resentment. In affect, it takes the poison our of your body. It cleanses your system of the poison that will surely fester and cause illness and continued misery if not released. You cannot take the poison and expect someone else to die. They will go on with their life and you will be the only one to continue to suffer.

Love Note. . . You know you have forgiven someone when he or she has harmless passage through your mind. - Rev. Karyl Huntley

Forgiveness is the key to your own happiness. Forgiving someone else takes moral courage. It ends the illusion of separation, and its power can change misery into happiness in an instant. Forgiveness means choosing to let go, move on, and favor the positive.

Forgiveness is a form of love within the context of a personal crisis. To forgive is, in a sense, to love one�s enemy. When forgiveness is given because you think you should, it no longer is forgiveness but an act of self-interest.

Robert Enright, a developmental psychologist at the University of Wisconsin defines forgiveness as "giving up the resentment to which you are entitled and offering to the person who hurt you friendlier attitudes to which they are not entitled." Research has shown that people who are deeply and unjustly hurt by others can heal emotionally and, in some cases, physically by forgiving their offender.

Forgiveness breaks the cycle of hatred, resentment, anger and pain that is often passed on to those around you.

Forgiveness. What it's for? It creates the freedom to create a new future beginning now!

Love Note. . . Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. - Mark Twain

Love Note. . . Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much. - Oscar Wilde

Love Note. . . There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness. - Josh Billings

Love Note. . . The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. - Mahatma Gandhi

Love Note. . . When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free. - Catherine Ponder

Love Note. . . Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past. - Alexa Young

2008-07-26T00:24:00.000-07:00

Cohabiting is bad for women's health - but not men's

Women eat more unhealthy foods and tend to put on weight when they move in with a male partner, according to a new report by the University of Newcastle upon Tyne, England.

On the other hand, a man's diet tends to become healthier when he starts cohabiting with a female partner - and her influence has a long-term positive impact.

The reason for the change in dietary habits, say experts, is that both partners try to please each other during the 'honeymoon period' at the start of a cohabiting relationship, by adjusting their routine to suit their partner and eating food that he or she likes.

However, women have the strongest long-term influence over the couple's diet and lifestyle, mainly because the majority of female partners still assume the traditional role of food shopper and cook.

The report, by Newcastle University's Human Nutrition Research Centre, is published in the health professional title Complete Nutrition.

It reviews the findings of a variety of research projects from the UK, North America and Australia which looked at the eating and lifestyle habits of cohabiting heterosexual couples, including married couples.

The research shows that women are more likely to put on weight and increase their consumption of foods high in fat and sugar when they move in with their partner. Men, on the other hand, report a reduction in 'bad foods' when they begin to cohabit, reducing fat and sugar and increasing consumption of vegetables.

Women are also more likely than men to turn to food to deal with emotional stress in their relationship. Women have been found to gain weight when they quit their relationship, but the same finding has not been observed in men.

Yet the report also highlights one study where both men and women were found to put on weight after they started living together, which experts suggest could be due to changes in eating patterns and a tendency to make less time for exercise.

A key reason for the change in dietary habits is the symbolic nature that food assumes in a relationship. Many cohabiting couples reported food as being central to their partnership, and eating together in the evening was an ideal sought by many.

The report's author, Dr Amelia Lake, a research fellow with Newcastle University's Human Nutrition Research Centre and a registered dietitian, said the research findings highlighted major health issues which couples needed to address as a team early on in the relationship.

The research findings confirm work by Dr Lake which found more men than women found their partner to be a positive influence on their diet, in terms of encouraging them to eat more fruit and vegetables, eating regular meals and taking control of their food shopping and preparation.

Dr Lake said: "You can't just blame an unhealthy lifestyle or diet on your partner, as there are many other things that affect what you eat and do. However, research has shown that your partner is a strong influence on lifestyle and people who are trying to live healthier lives should take this factor into consideration.

"Couples who move into together should use the opportunity of the honeymoon period to make positive changes to their diet and lifestyle by working together and supporting each other.

"But couples who have been in their relationships for longer should remember that it is never too late to make changes and again this needs team work."

2008-07-26T00:21:00.000-07:00

Communication is key to long distance relationships

With summer approaching, many college students are preparing to go their separate ways for the three-month break. That could be returning home, an out-of-town internship or extended vacation.

For some, summer break may mean leaving friends and significant others behind. Long distance relationships aren't always easy, but they can work, said Charlotte Shoup Olsen, Kansas State University Research and Extension family studies specialist.

"It is easier to connect to people we care about today, than it was about 20 or 30 years ago," Olsen said. "Cell phones, e-mail, instant messaging and even Web cameras have made it easier to connect and allow us to see each other through our computer screens."

People may have different ideas of whether or not it is better for a couple to end a relationship and date other people while they're apart.

Sometimes, one or both partners will get their hearts broken because of something the other person did or didn't do while they were apart, she said.

To avoid the chance of hurting one another, couples should talk about how tight they want their relationship to be before they separate. If they have opposite views about it, they need to communicate, be respectful of each person's feelings and reach an agreement.

Reaching an agreement about how tight the relationship will be over the summer can make reconnecting in the fall a smoother experience and reduce the risk of disappointment, Olsen said.

2008-07-26T00:17:00.001-07:00

Why you're still single: You don't trust your judgment - Linda's side

Why are you still single? It's not about catching men or reeling anybody in. Catching is for escaped zoo animals and nine-year-olds playing freeze tag, and reeling is for trout. This is about you considering the possibility that you're tripping over your own feet -- no matter how much of an amazing, smart, hot, totally worthwhile ass-kicker you may be as a general rule. In other words: If you're looking for a different approach, the authors of Why You're Still Single have ideas for you. Here are two views.
One of the things people asked me when they found out I was working on our book was an obvious, but intriguingly weird, question: Why would anybody listen to a single person's thoughts about relationships? This was a question particularly directed to me by a couple of smug married people I met casually, who wouldn't read a book like Why You're Still Single anyway, didn't know me, and believed that they were far more difficult to read than they actually were.

The thesis behind this question is that a single person, by definition, knows nothing about relationships, because if she did, she wouldn't be single. It makes sense on the surface, right? But think about it this way: if success is defined as the ability to have a long-term relationship that doesn't end for one reason or another, then every person starts every new relationship batting 0-for-whatever. All your relationships have ended. You haven't made it work yet. Ergo, you know nothing.

This kind of thinking, if you embrace it, will sink you. You are asking yourself to enter your next relationship assuming you don't know anything. In my experience, it's not the things you genuinely don't know that mess you up; it's the things you won't admit you know. It's the things that are sitting right there ready to be noticed if you're willing to pay attention to what's already happened in your own life.

You've learned, for instance, that when people stop calling and they make you do all the work, that's a bad sign. You've learned that picking at the scab of an old argument has never, ever, in the history of your relationships, made anything better. You've learned that nobody interesting is attracted to you when you act helpless. You've learned that showing off how damaged and needy you are will only attract drama.

So you have two choices. You can go on the theory that you don't know anything. You're single, after all. What do you know? Or you can listen to your own judgment and your own experience, and you can admit that you have, in whatever painful way, probably learned a lot.

Of course, the problem is the fact that not all your instincts should be obeyed. Lots of things -- fear, overthinking, past hurts, external pressure -- can throw them off. It's not that you should act on every impulse that you have on the assumption that your accumulated wisdom will steer your impulses every time. The trick, I think, is how to tell the difference between an impulse and an instinct. I'd love to tell you that there's a rule of thumb that will identify the difference between a gut feeling you must not ignore and one that you must overcome. From time to time, you're going to guess wrong; there's no way around it.

Consider the classic problem of what to take personally. Your boyfriend is busy at work, and he stops calling. On the one hand, your experience will tell you that signals that come in the form of people pulling back from you should not be ignored, and that reading the room is important. On the other hand, it may also tell you that you have some tendency to take things to heart that should not be taken as such. What do you do? It would be great if there were a bulletproof way to be right, but you're going to have to draw a line. In this case, it's a line that marks how much dropping out is too much before you freak out. The fact that you freaked out unnecessarily last time over not being called for two days doesn't mean that you should let it go by if you don't get a call for two weeks. In the same way, the fact that you feel like you missed the signs last time because your boyfriend avoided you for three weeks doesn't mean that the first time he asks for a night alone, you should tell him you get it, tell him you understand, wish him well, and rush right over to pick up the DVD you left at his apartment so that the two of you never have to speak again.

What you have to do is read the signs -- all the signs, good and bad, and do the best you can. You know things, and it's when you can feel yourself straining to ignore one of those things you know that you're going to get yourself in trouble. What do you, a single person, know about relationships? Probably more than you think.

2008-07-26T00:12:00.000-07:00

Why you're still single: You don't trust your judgment - Evan's side

Wouldn't it be great if people were like computers? Instead of acting on things like "feelings" and "emotions", we'd work off facts and empirical evidence, so that we'd never be fooled by the same racket twice. Sure, no one would be able to cry at chick flicks or sense when something's wrong when you come home from work, but who cares? The day you emulate your laptop will be the final day you look across the dinner table at your boyfriend and ask yourself, "What the hell am I doing with this guy?"

Regrets? I've had a few. And after each bad relationship, I find myself retrospectively scratching my head, wondering how I could have been so blind. Ever ask your friends, "Now that we broke up, what did you really think about him?" Sure, you have. Upon which you learned that everyone unanimously felt he was a jerk since Day 1. What are friends for, if not to lie to you by lending unconditional support?

So if the rest of the world can see that someone is toxic, why do we stay? How do we end up with people who turn others off, but turn us on? I think it's those damn human feelings getting in the way again. Even a total jerk can be expected to be a nice guy 80 percent of the time. And that 80 percent is all the positive reinforcement you need to stick around for too long with the wrong guy. If you were to be an impartial third-party judge of your own life, you might act differently. But it's a lot harder to leave your own neglectful boyfriend than it is to tell your girlfriend to dump hers.

It's simple to put labels on a guy to justify why he should be dumped� he's neglectful, he's abusive, he's selfish, he's gay, blahblahblah. What's far more interesting is when you find yourself wholly invested in someone who defies any of these "bad" descriptions. In fact, you're pretty sure you're dating a good person. He was generous when courting you, he was respectful when he met your parents, and he gets along really well with your friends. You couldn't have seen his downside when you first got together. But since he lost his job, you've discovered he has a really short temper. Plus, he hasn't been too aggressive in finding work. In fact, he said that he's contemplating a new career, although he doesn't know what that will be quite yet.

Revelations like this present a real problem. People fall hard and fast for each other, which is wonderful and normal. No one should begrudge anyone's puppy love. But as any parent will tell their teens, puppy love is evanescent. True love takes endurance. Which is why there's no point in beating yourself up about not trusting your judgment. It doesn't do you any good.

By the same token, I'm not saying that you should always trust your judgment. We're humans. We make mistakes. However, like lab rats who get shocked when they go for the wrong cheese, we have the capacity to learn from them. And if you're going out with the same narcissistic guy or the same alcoholic guy or the same emotionally unavailable guy over and over and over gain, THAT's where you need to beat up on yourself. The one thing you can trust is that you've been down this path before and you know how it ends.

It may make perfect sense to be gun-shy following a string of mistakes, but the present is not the past, and you are not the same as you were during your last relationship. Because relationships are inherently exploratory, judgment is best rendered later, when you have more facts. And if, after all of this, you still can't trust your judgment, try to trust your gut � the part that says that you're not excited by him, the part that says that something's a little off. You'll never know right off the bat if the guy who's close with his family is a spineless mama's boy, so give him a fair shake until he doesn't deserve one. Just don't expect your friends to tell you the truth until it's over.

2008-07-26T00:10:00.000-07:00

The key to successful relationships

Relationships can be the most difficult and joyful part of your life. You cannot avoid them unless you never get out of bed in the morning and sometimes not even then. You will find yourself interfacing with others almost immediately each day.

Due to the complex multiple roles you have in your life this can be plentiful. On an average day you could be talking to your husband, wife, co-workers, children, siblings, friends, parents, our children teachers, your significant other, your boss, the grocery clerk and at the end of the day it could be a telecommunication caller.

One of the most important skills that you need in any and all of these relationships is listening. Better listening skills will allow you to create a more harmonious relationship where respect and cooperation are more likely to occur.

So ask yourself now... How well do I really listen to others? How well do I listen to myself? Can I be still and quiet enough to really listen? Or do I feel restless when there is silence and so I start talking right away? Here are some tips on developing better listening skills.

1. Listen with concern and a desire to understand. Do not pretend to be listening or give only part of your attention if you are distracted. If you need and it is possible, ask the person to wait until you can be more attentive.

2. Let the other person talk without interrupting. Avoid quickly giving advice interrupting or making assumptions as to what you think they are going to say. Pause and breathe staying present and silent until he/she is finished.

3. Do not prepare your answer while they are talking. Try to stay only in the listening mode. Once you have all the information you will be more prepared to respond.

4. Do not engage in selective listening. Listen to the words, facts and overall content of the person �s story. Do not just pay attention to what you find interesting.

5. While you are listening observe their facial expressions, gestures, eye movement and body posture. This will give you information as to what they might be feeling about their conversation, more information to help you understand.

The second part of the skill is learning to reflect back what you heard the person saying. Paraphrasing and repeating back what you heard allows the person to know you have been listening. It keeps clarity in conversation and allows for overall better communication. This is also a skill that requires some practice. Here are a few tips.

Try to briefly summarize what you heard them say and repeat it back to them.

Ask them is this is what they were trying to tell you. If not, try again to summarize or ask them to repeat part of what you did not understand.

Do not immediately respond with your belief, opinion or advise before you have clarified their position. Only give advice if they are asking for it.

Use empathy in your response instead of being judgmental. Be neutral and clarify what you heard their feelings, thoughts or opinions are. Do not yell, argue or criticize. Ask more questions. Try asking why, when, where or who questions. This gives you more information.

Determine what they need from you. Would they like you just to listen and say nothing, give feedback, provide advice, help them problem solve a situation. Of course, if you are talking to young children you may have to interrupt this yourself and offer what your intuition feels they need.

Whether you are in contact with your children, boss, husband, or wife or significant others these tools are valuable. For the next week or so try to exercise these new skills. Observe what happens when you listen and respond in an empathic manner instead of with advise, opinion or judgments. Make a note of the new interaction and compare it with your old way of listening or not listening. Observe their manner; are they calmer, more appreciate? What do you notice?

We all have a need to be listened to and understood. Most of us grew up with not enough of the focused attention we need. As a result we are all a little deprived, that is why so many of us want to talk and talk and talk and listening is something that we just don �t know how to do. In fact we are uncomfortable with being quiet and still.

I suggest to you that if you practice you will benefit in many ways. All your relationships will dramatically improve. You will find that you will gain a greater ability to listen to yourself and you may find that others more readily give you time and attention. What we need from others we must be willing to give to them as well. Be patient, praise yourself for your efforts (don �t wait for others to praise you), and watch your skill grow.

2008-07-25T13:45:00.000-07:00

How many do you have? The number of sexual partners for men and women

by Abby Terlecki

As if the number of birthday candles women blow out each year isn’t enough stir up insecurities, the number of men they’ve hit the sheets with has become etched into their minds, and possibly hearts, as well. These days, it’s hard to determine an “appropriate” number of partners. So how many is too many?

The percentage of women who have had a lower number of sexual partners (10 or less) is generally higher than men, according to an ABC News’ poll, the American Sex Survey. And at the start of the tier of 11 partners and above, the percentage of men increases while the number of women decreases.

In other words, comparatively, the majority of men have had a higher number of sexual partners, and the majority of women have had a lower number of partners. Psychologist and Professor Norman R Brown and his colleagues at the University of Michigan report that -- on average -- by the time a man is in his 40s, he has had 31.9 partners, while women have had 8.6 partners.

What does the tally mark mean?

But women don’t need statistics to know that typically a man’s number is significantly higher and more socially acceptable. Men can be more open about sexual activity with multiple partners, and it’s considered acceptable for them to give precedence to the shape of a woman’s legs over her lifelong goals. Who hasn’t heard inappropriate comments made about women followed by the universal and pathetic excuse, “But I’m a guy...”

Conversely, women’s sexual histories and beneath-the-sheets activities remain hush-hush. Unlike weight, there’s no BMI to pinpoint a healthy sexual lifestyle. “The number” has morphed into another notch in the bedpost for men -- and a self-deprecating representation of past failures in search of Mr Right for women.

Why such a stigma?

Why should our sexual past carry such a stigma that we’re reluctant to reveal our number, even to our gynecologists? A woman in her late-20s says, “I think men prefer women to be more pure than they are. It’s a turnoff if they think a woman is more sexually experienced. It’s a blow to the ego.”

This creates a problem if men expect to have sexual adventures when young, yet settle down with “conservative” wives years later. This leads to women being judged for being "prudish" when young -- yet any subjective “high” number insinuates sloppy intoxication, low self-esteem or a need for attention down the road.

A number, however, that seems to get overlooked and under-judged is oral sex partners.Somehow it’s become acceptable to have an infinite number of oral sex partners, as opposed to the number of intercourse partners. Fair or not, foreplay has less social and emotional repercussions, besides being defined as a tease.

Does casual sex carry emotional benefits, not only baggage?

A young woman explains, “I’m much more inclined to have sexual experiences with someone I know I don’t have a future with. It’s a defense because I don’t get hurt.” Some women have one-night stands as a way to receive sexual pleasure. Others use it to stave off hurt or gain equal ground in future relationships. Sometimes, sex becomes a spiteful and defensive action against men -- an attempt at unemotional, unattached, hot-animal sex.

One woman explains that a one-night stand for her made her feel powerful for her next sexual relationship, as well as helping her overcome a brutal breakup. Another woman, who refers to her sexual fling as "Mr Z," says that he “helped me to feel wanted again, and gave me the opportunity to a rebuild badly shattered self-confidence,” after her fiancé left her.

Although most women would agree that no matter how hard they try to keep sex casual, emotions often get involved -- and attempts at being Samantha Jones from Sex & the City leave them feeling shameful and lonely.

How are women keeping up with the times?

With significant social changes taking place, such as couples waiting longer to marry and an increase in the prevalence of reliable birth control methods, women will increasingly have healthy sexual histories on par with men. To expect men to accept higher numbers and more experiences from potential wives, women should also be confidently comfortable with their own non-monogamous, active sexual lifestyle. Steamy nights might lead to romance or they might fizzle out to be just another hook-up.

But like turning a year older, another number might just mean more experience and wisdom both inside and outside the bedroom -- which is beneficial to both sexes.

2008-07-25T13:42:00.000-07:00

Guys: How to meet a woman online... The grammar attraction

by Lisa Camerlengo

What's on your short list of ideal qualities in a mate? Nice abs. Cute butt. Sensitive. Witty. Good grammar.

Good grammar?!

Though this least favorite of grade school subjects may not be on your radar as a potential dating deal-maker or breaker, here's why you may want to reconsider.

I can't speak for every woman, but it truly warms my heart to get a well-crafted message – one with the proper use of punctuation and nary a misspelling. And a guy who knows the difference between a gerund and an adverb is really going to knock my socks off!
In today's digital age, where more and more couples are meeting and maintaining relationships via online dating, lots of single women have come to appreciate a guy who puts his best grammar forward. (And, trust me, if you're a man who doesn't know when to use a comma, forget Kama Sutra – you need to read on.)

A sucker for sentence structure

Many years ago, I had a long-distance relationship with a friend of a friend who lived in Toronto. Our primary means of communication was e-mail. Every day, I would look forward to his perfectly punctuated, witty banter. He really challenged me to think about my writing – checking it twice, of course, before I pressed "Send" – and that challenge excited me.

In the end, the distance prevented us from having a match made in grammar heaven, but I did take away something very important from the relationship: A man who can write is sexy! I now have a motto – and though it may sound like innuendo – it's really based on grade-school goodness: Don't dangle any participles or end sentences with prepositions, and we'll get along just fine.

The way to a woman's heart is through her brain

Intellectual stimulation is – let's face it – stimulation. If a guy sends me messages that resemble the musings of a third-grader, he probably won't get further than my Inbox.

In fact, Ysolt Usigan, a self-proclaimed "former serial dater," used grammar as a filter to her heart when cyber-shopping for a beau on Match.com. "I relied on the grammar factor a lot to weed out potential dates. It sounds silly, but if there were spelling errors, incomplete sentences and other mistakes in an e-mail from a man who wanted to match with me, I wouldn't reply," she explains. "I think being a strong writer is a definite plus. It shows you're educated and that is sexy to me."

Ysolt eventually met a man she describes as having "great transitions," and recently celebrated a one-year anniversary with her "very literate" love.

Decoding mixed messages

Okay, what if you're not concerned about intellectual stimulation – consciously, anyway? Consider this: How many times have you tried to decode messages full of misused words and spelling mistakes? The era of instant messaging has admittedly made all of us lax when it comes to properly using the English language – even I have been known to utter an "LOL” here and there. But when a guy can't tell the difference between "where” and "wear” (and – gasp! – even refers to it as "underwhere!"), it's a serious turn-off.

Case in point: "I have to admit, I do think twice about responding to an e-mail or a profile of a man who does not know how to use there, their, or they're,” says Janet Larsen, a 37-year-old registered nurse, eHarmony reject and Match.com veteran, who is chronically set up on blind dates by her mother. Janet, who identifies herself as a "hopeless and optimistic romantic," adds, "You have to feel sorry for the dyslexic out there who is brilliant but can't write a sentence to save his life... or get a date.”

Finding "Mr Write”

When attempting to make a great first impression, you should want to be at your best. Would you agree to a second date with someone who showed up on your doorstep looking like he just rolled out of bed? Probably not.

"In the cyber world, your first impression is in writing, so it will be judged – just like a guy who is dressed neatly in a suit for work will be considered a professional versus the guy who's in a t-shirt and jeans,” Janet says.

The point is, if your sweetie wants to be your "Mr Write," he should be at the top of his game – and, like it or not, using good grammar is just playing good offense. When it comes to love and romance, the merit of using good grammar is clear; you can spark – and hold – the interest of the intended recipient.

Exceptions to (sexy) grammar rules

Since other factors do play important roles in falling in love, I won't argue that there's hope even if your hottie isn't a grammar whiz.

"I married a man who doesn't know a participle from a preposition, but somehow we make a perfect pair. Too bad he can't appreciate the alliteration,” says Robyn Tellefsen, a 30-year-old freelance writer and editor.

So, before you give your potential soul mate a punctuation primer or require him to memorize Strunk and White's "The Elements of Style,” remember – there are just as many arbitrary reasons why people fall in love as there are exceptions to the rules of the English language.

Maybe grammar isn't everything. But here's to hoping we've inspired at least some of you hopeless romantics out there to put sentences together – one clause at a time.

2008-07-25T13:37:00.000-07:00

Plan a Guy-Friendly Date

by Jennifer Chowdhury

Traditionally, women have always left it up to men to plan the date, which can be a lot of pressure on them. Try taking the load off your man's shoulders with one of these guy-friendly date ideas below. He'll love that you're taking charge and you'll love knowing exactly what your date will entail!

Sports

Anything that gets the adrenaline pumping is sure to turn your man on. Try playing golf or taking tennis lessons together or let him teach you how to play his favorite sport. Of course, the traditional way of going to watch his favorite team play will thrill him to bits. He’ll be ecstatic about letting you enter his world.

Learning

Anything that includes getting out of your comfort zone will surely pull him in. Learn something new such as dancing, cooking, wine tasting or an introduction to learning a foreign language. Learning a new skill together will make you bond.

An Adventure

What guy wouldn’t like to go skydiving, deep-sea fishing or try out a particularly terrifying ride at a amusement park? Show him that you are up for anything he is and watch his admiration grow for you.

A Meal

You know how they say a way to a man’s heart is through is stomach? It's absolutely true. If you’re trying to especially please your man, make sure his taste buds are completely satisfied. If you like cooking, prepare him a home-cooked meal or if you're a complete klutz in the kitchen, make reservations at his favorite restaurant from ahead of time, without letting him now. It seems like a simple idea, but nothing is more satisfying than enjoying your favorite meal.

A Massage

You don’t have to be a professional to learn how to give each other massages. Giving each other a foot massage or hand massage will relax you and will definitely lead to something more engaging.

A Test-Drive

Men love their cars. Plan a day to test drive some impossibly expensive cars such as a Porsche. It’s probably the only form of window-shopping most guys won’t be pouting throughout!

A Weekend-Getaway

Men love doing the unexpected much more than women do. Plan a romantic weekend at a Bed and Breakfast or Inn that is a couple of hours away. He'll love the idea of spending a weekend with you all alone!

2008-07-25T13:34:00.000-07:00

Online dating dos and don'ts

by Dawn Papandrea

Ready to join the estimated 40 million Americans who are giving the online match game a whirl? If so, you'll need to give your profile some pop to stand out from the pack. More important, you'll have a real shot at finding a click-worthy guy you really, well, click with.

Get started with these dating profile dos and don'ts:

... go into online dating cold. Before you start entering your sassy stats, do a search as if you were looking for "you" and see what comes up. Read other gals' profiles to see your competition, get some clever ideas, and take note of the things that scream turnoff.

... make your user name unique. "It doesn't have to be brilliant, but it should signify some expressive detail about what makes you you," suggests Gail Laguna, online dating expert and spokesperson for Spark Networks, which operates several niche online dating sites. Some of her examples: TennisTime, Luv2cook, SalsaDancer. Much more intriguing than Sexylady123, isn't is?

... go overboard with the seductive picture poses or bawdy talk. Overly suggestive pics or innuendo may attract the wrong type of person, warns Stephany Alexander author of the book "Sex, Lies & the Internet: An Online Dating Survival Guide." Remember, there's a fine line between flirty and trashy -- don't cross it.

... be positive. "There are few of us who enter the dating scene who don't have some emotional baggage," says Nancy Michaels, founder of MatchGoneWrong.com, a dating site for women over 40. Still, she says, try not to emphasize phrases such as "no games" or "no drama." Instead, specify what you are looking for, such as "a great guy who shares my love of jazz music."

be intimidating. Often Mr Right just needs a little nudge in the right direction to get the courage to contact you, says Laguna. Be sure to include an invitation to contact you in your profile to come off as approachable and warm.

2008-07-25T13:29:00.000-07:00

The secret fears of men

by Brie Gatchalian

Dying alone, ending up with the wrong person, not feeling fulfilled … things I’m deathly afraid of. Many women can relate, I’m sure.

When it comes to men, one would presume their biggest fears have to do with providing for a family, the Yankees (or their favorite team) losing the World Series, and never having a boy to carry the family name. I wondered how true these assumptions are so I asked some guy friends to reveal their secret fears when it comes to relationships. What I found: They’re not so different from ours.

On their list of secret fears: Letting one get away, being nice, and keeping the spark alive.

What If I’m a Jerk?

Purnell Cropper, a single 25-year-old male from Philadelphia, PA, is afraid he’ll come to realize he’s a jerk. “I maintain a certain image of myself in my mind – generous, caring, etc. – but when everything is said and done, you are how you treat people,” he explains. Purnell fears proving this image false one day. “I can think of a couple of ex-girlfriends who would say that I’ve already accomplished this feat and am just living in denial,” he believes.

Was She My True Love?

As you can see, Purnell is the “sensitive” type. And with that comes his hopeless romanticism. And FYI, he’s ruthlessly defending the sanctity of his first love. “I’m afraid that somewhere in my heart I think that my relationship was the purest, and that everything else will inevitably be a failed attempt to recapture those old feelings,” he realizes. In fact on some level, Purnell sabotages good relationships before they even have a chance to develop.

What If Things Change?

On the other hand, Eugene Oh, a 27-year-old male in a committed relationship (far from sabotaging a good thing) is afraid to lose his current love. “I can grow very attached to a person over time, as anyone else does,” he explains. “What if that person leaves me or what if they cease to become a part of my life anymore?” For Eugene, life’s constant changes leave him in fear. “Your life can change in the blink of an eye,” he points out. “If you’re in a relationship, you get used to having that person around on a daily basis and in the long-term view.” Should things falter, then what?

How Do I Keep the Spark Alive?

In trying to avoid change, Eugene realizes yet another fear: Keeping the spark in his progressing relationship alive. “Whenever I date someone for the first time, sparks are flying and everything seems so exciting,” he says. “But once you hit a certain period of time when dating someone, it seems so easy for things to become boring.”

From keeping the flames burning to settling down with the right person, it’s clear that my concerns in my relationship are similar to that of my guy friends. News to me, yes. Is it news to you?

2008-07-25T13:26:00.000-07:00

The good girl that always falls for the bad boy

by Jennifer Chowdhury

I consider myself a walking cliche -- the good girl who always falls for the bad boy. I guess I've always been a bit of a rebel myself (despite being a good student and a mostly dutiful daughter) so I identified with guys that seemed to not give a damn about what the world thought of them. Growing up in a strict Muslim household, I was naturally prone to being attracted to anything that would mean defying my parents. My choice of boyfriends often reflected that.

Freddie (I've changed his name to protect his identity) wasn't particularly attractive, witty or smart. He was tall and skinny with shoulder-length curly hair that he tied up with a scraggly hairband and had a small gap between his two front teeth. But, what drew my attention towards him was his stay-away-from-me attitude. His hostile attitude towards me (and everyone else) made me curious. He was the only guy in the pizzeria that we both worked in that didn't flirt with me or go out of his way for me. I was the youngest employee there at the age of 17 and the only girl under 30 that worked there, so the men always flocked around me and I enjoyed the attention.

At first, I didn't care much that he barely ever spoke to me. But after a while, his mysterious demeanor started to get to me. Who did he think he was? Hell, he wasn't even cute, so why the attitude? Eventually, the lack of attention got on my nerves. I ignored him harder than he ignored and made a point not to acknowledge his presence. When that didn't seem to draw a reaction out of him, I tried another approach.

"Hey, you need some help", Freddie and I were the only ones working at the pizzeria one morning when I decided to finally talk to him.

He grunted what I took to be a 'yeah' and I helped him roll out dough for the first batch of pizzas of the day. We kneaded side by side, silently. I stoke a quick glance at him from the corner of my eye and saw his face relaxed for the first time--his trademark scowl was nowhere to be seen.

I took the opportunity to start a conversation. "So, where do you..."

"Wanna hang out after your shift is over?", he abruptly cut me off.

"Sure", I said and walked over to the customer service station because the telephone lines were about to open for orders.

I met Freddie outside after work and without a word we started walking. He led me up to the roof of an apartment building at the end of the block of the pizzeria. As soon as he sat down, he pulled out small bag of weed (a dime bag, I would soon learn). I'd never smoked marijuana before nor did anyone I knew closely.

"I'm assuming you don't want a pull?", Freddie asked. I nodded a no.

After a few puffs, he turned to look at me and asked me if I was sure I wanted to be here with him. I said yes -- and that's all it took to get our story started.

I got to know the side of him that few people rarely did -- that he wrote songs and played the guitar. He didn't aspire to become a famous musician and he didn't let anyone read his songs or listen to him play. His music, like everything else about him, was only for himself.

After that first day, he never asked me to smoke, drink or do any other kinds of drugs, ever. But he never shied away from indulging in front of me, either.

By our six month anniversary, we spent most of our time together. I went to his apartment in the basement of his parent's house on most mornings instead of going to school. Although I was no virgin, he was the first guy that made me aware of all the things my body could do. He gave me my first orgasm and he made me discover a whole new sexual side of myself.

I didn't introduce him to any of my friends, even though I was close to all of his. I went to a specialized high school and my friends were all a smart bunch, and I knew they wouldn't understand what I was doing with him. I was a senior and prom was approaching and I had a serious dilemma -- how was I supposed to take him to my prom? I explained to him that it would be better if I go with all my girlfriends, as we had promised each other at the beginning of the school year that we would be each others' prom dates if we didn't have a guy to go with.

Ironically, by the time prom rolled around, all four of my girlfriends had serious boyfriends and they wanted me to find a date so we could all go with our guys together. Even then, I didn't tell. And haven't since, either.

2008-07-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

3 Places to Find Your Next Boyfriend

by Margeaux Baulch

There are many theories about where to meet eligible men: online, a bar, a supermarket, church, at work, and so on. The best place, however, depends on what you have in mind. A quick pickup at a bar can be fun, but as the saying goes, "everyone looks good at 2 in the morning." However, if you’re searching for a little more of a connection than a one-night stand, try the following locales. (Wingman optional.)

Volunteer organizations

“Volunteering is a great way to meet people because you are able to see how they interact with others,” says Sandra Schwartz, a matchmaker and founder of Cause and Effect Dating. “And it says something about the quality of person they are that they want to give back to the community.”

Although Schwartz recommends sports-related volunteer activities as being the most optimal places to meet men, soup kitchens, museums, and political rallies all need volunteers as well. Check out http://www.volunteermatch.org to find opportunities near you.

Wine tastings

“Wine tastings are the Tupperware parties of our era,” says Anu Karwa, whose New York-based company Swirl Events holds wine tasting parties for singles. “They are great for meeting people because you are able to get to know someone in a nice environment without it being too dimly lit or loud to hear each other. And, of course, the wine seems to loosen people up too.”

To host your own tasting, Karwa recommends picking a fun theme, like “Dream Destinations,” in which everyone brings a bottle of wine from a country they’d like to visit, or “Pick-Up Lines” where the male party-goers wear name tags with the beginning of a cheesy pick-up line and the ladies’ wear the corresponding ends.

Serving dry rosés and crisp picnic wines (“ones that you’d drink on a hot, summer day”) will also rev-up your guests’ romance engines. Pure Love wines with their tongue-in-cheek labels are also on Karwa’s picks-list. Try “Layer Cake” or “The Prisoner.”

…Whatever else you are passionate about:

Although opposites may attract, dating someone who you already share a passion will build a stronger foundation for a relationship than meeting someone whose only been brought into your life by a computerized quiz or a love of late-night boozing.

There’s no need to study those “Football for Dummies” books either. With the advent of Meetup.com, there is literally a group for every interest. Love Horse-back riding? Dominoes? Italian New Wave cinema? There’s sure to be a great guy out there who will love it (and you) too.

2008-07-25T13:11:00.000-07:00

10 habits of a loving couple

Romance is a way to express your love, the icing on the cake. But don't wait for special occasions to express your love. Make sure that you nurture your loving relationship by practicing these basic habits in your day-to-day life. These may seem very basic, but how many do you do? Don't despair... it's never too late to adopt good, loving habits.

The 10 habits
1. Say "I Love You" at least once a day. Your partner does need to hear the words.

2. Kiss good-bye and hello. Throw in a hug while you're at it.

3. "Date" your partner for the rest of your lives. Treat your partner even better than when you were dating... Remember that you are sweethearts ~ * open her door * straighten his tie * hold out her chair * hold hands when you're walking together.

4. Don't sweat the small stuff. You can let his/her bad habits bother you to distraction... or you can accept them, and work around them. Does she leave the cap off the toothpaste? Buy separate tubes... Does he leave clothes laying around? Ignore them, or pick them up, remembering just how much he does for you in other ways. Or, make it easier for your partner to satisfy you... buy several clothes hampers and keep them handy. ;-)

5. Concentrate on the positive. Instead of thinking about the ways that s/he lets you down, think of all the positive things about your partner that drew you to them in the first place.

6. Take a breather when you're mad. Don't try to talk when either of you are angry. Take a few minutes to walk around the block, lay down, just get away from each other so you can regroup. A short break will allow you both to stay on track and discuss what's bothering you instead of accidently making personal insults that you will regret later.

7. Don't use your partner's secrets or weaknesses against them... ever! What may seem insignificant, trivial, or cute to you may be serious to your partner. Recognize what is important to your partner, and don't discuss it with your friends, mother, his family, anyone! And certainly don't throw the words back at them in an argument. A loving relationship is one of the most intimate and trusting that anyone can have.

8. Think about your partner first. If both of you do this, then you can't help but win! Say 'yes' to your partner as often as possible... go to that sports event with him, get him out on that golf course because he loves golf, make life easier for your partner, and hopefully they will do the same for you!

9. R-E-S-P-E-C-T your partner. Don't badmouth your partner to anyone! When you talk about your partner, let your respect and love shine through.

10. Find a way to regroup together every day. Discover what works well for you both... eat a meal together, meet for happy hour drinks, skip Leno at night and just lay in bed in the dark, take a walk around the block, etc. You can even mix things up and vary your routine. If one of you is travelling, call home at night just to hear their voice. The point is to spend time together daily, just talking or breathing the same air, feeling connected.

Remember... the more you put into your relationship, the more you gain! Make love and romance a part of your daily life!

2008-07-25T13:04:00.000-07:00

Hey! I'm talking to you!

"What we have here is a failure to communicate." Sound familiar? It is said that words have great power. This is especially true until we start to really understand what's behind the words -- what's underneath. In the meantime, author Vincent Kedar tells us there are things we can all learn to help us better communicate in ways that are rich, loving, compassionate and effective.

Poor communication root of many problems
I have been providing communication therapy services for the last twelve years. Over that period of time, working with couples and families (and my own relationships), I have come to learn this: many (if not most) of the "deep-rooted" problems in relationships are caused by poor communication.

So, before you wipe out that check book and pay a psychiatrist your life savings, consider improving the way you communicate with your loved ones.

Most important thing to remember
The most important thing to remember regarding communication and how you communicate with others is that we all process what we are hearing in very different ways. There are five representational systems (ways in which the brain processes information and stimuli). And most people have one primary representational system, meaning that they are weak in all the others.

Because of the differences in these, you cannot (even with respect to your family, closest friends, lovers or associates) assume that the person your are talking to processes what is being said in the same way you do, because this is usually not the case!

Now, on top of differences in representational systems, add the fact that we all, from time to time, are engaged in the habit of hearing what we want to hear, rather than hearing what is really being said. This is especially true in situations where the conversation is of an intense, sensitive or volatile nature. Now, add to this, the fact that we all have a nasty habit of interpreting what is being said according to our own model of the world. We do this rather than making an effort to determine or clarify what is being said so that we can understand the other person's model of the world!

Here's a clue
Ah! Therein lies a clue....making the effort to understand the other person's model of the world. This is extremely important for clear, concise and effective communicating. It is also essential to the cultivation of compassion, a very necessary element when communication is tense, strained, or starts to breakdown.

Here's the hard part. If you want to improve communication within your most intimate and loving relationships, you will have to start, not by pointing the finger of blame, but by taking responsibility for how you contribute to the problem. In fact, improving how you communicate will, over time, actually change the behavior of those you are in relationship with. Then you can help them make the changes you have made. Here's where to begin.

The response you get
If you don't get the intended response, or you're not happy with the response you're getting, you probably need to examine the way in which you are communicating and choose a different tact, one that incorporates the other person's model of the world. This is especially true when you are aware that all parties to the communication have sincere intentions.

Ah. "How do I incorporate the other person's model of the world into my communication?," you ask. Well, I can't give you the results of years of research in this field in one article, but here's a hint: by communicating in a way that elicits the other person's model of the world (more on this in future articles).